who am i?

i'm having a bit of an identity crisis. i know i have presented a number of different personas to people and i think it's about time i merged them all together to become the real me. i may be one way to you, but to someone else i'm probably a different person. it's not like i have multiple personality syndrome or anything, i just want to blend in with the crowd so often that i blur my personality enough to hide out. i want to be liked! liked by everyone! it bothers me when someone doesn't like me. i'm nice! unless you do something mean to me i guess.

so since i'm in a list making mood this week...here's what i know about myself. check your observations of my qualities and see how different it is.

i am shy. i don't usually like telling people how i feel about things. i don't like doing that because i don't like confrontation and saying you have a different opinion usually causes confrontation. i've grown up my whole life arguing with people about various things and i guess i'm just tired of that. it's not that i'm going to agree with you, it's just that i'm not going to let you know i disagree.

i am obsessive compulsive. when i organize things on my desk at work, i don't want you touching it because i know you won't put it back where you found it. i like my magazines on my end table stacked the way they are stacked. if you read one and put it back, when you leave i reorganize the stack. i hate cleaning my bathroom so it's not that bad, but i really do vacuum twice a week, even though no one ever comes to my apartment. i like leaving dishes in the sink. when the sink is empty, i have to get a drink just so there's one cup in there. it's odd, i know. it feels right to me though.

i am a control freak. it's why i always drive myself to things. i get so nervous when i'm in a car with someone else driving. i'm afraid we'll crash and i'll have no control in saving my life. i talk a lot when i'm riding in a car because it takes my mind off of the situation. controlling things is also a part of OCD that i mentioned above. i'll probably never live with anyone just because i know they won't be able to do things the way i like them done.

i am a virgin. shocked? i can only think of one person who knows that b/c i've told them. whatever i told you about my sexual life was a lie. i am embarassed that i'm 23 years old and abstinent. it's not a moral decision, it's a lack of opportunity i guess. i'm incredibly picky and there is no one in this world that has liked me as much as i liked them, or vice versa, for me to throw off my clothes. honestly, i'm scared to death of sex. i had a really awful date when i was 19 with a guy that was 29 and he really messed up my whole perception of the act. and yeah, 4 years is a long time to hold onto something like that, but it really was tramatic to me. i don't want to have sex with anyone right now...i want like the whole other side of a relationship--the companionship, the flirting, the bonding, the connecting. then maybe i'll worry about sex.

i am a liberal democrat. you know, political labels are funny to me. how can you align yourself with a side, when there are so many issues in the world that you're sure to disagree with your "party" at some point in time. i say i'm a democrat because i agree with more than 50% of their positions on issues. i'm pro-choice. i'm for gun control. i'm against tax cuts. i like social programs. i was against the Iraq war. i don't think that we'll find weapons of mass destruction. they're gone. syria has them. iran has them. anyone has them, but they're not going to be found. blahblah. now i'd love to list some republican views here that i agree with, but i can't think of any off the top of my head. i like Rudy Giuliani though. Joe Scarborough is my favorite TV conservative. maybe i just think they'd be fun to hang out with though.

i am fat. i don't care what people say anymore. i hate buying clothes (why do you think i have 30 pairs of shoes?) and looking at myself in a floor length mirror. probably another reason why i don't exactly throw myself at guys. i don't like what i see, so why would he? i've tried to make myself mad enough to stop eating (and truthfully, i'm down to like 1 meal a day now). i've tried to go to the gym, but i hate going by myself, but then i don't want other people to see how out of shape i am. i gripe b/c my mother nags me about my weight. i don't want to be nagged, i want to be motivated. encouraged! mentored! when i see myself in pictures i always ask myself "do i really look like that to the world? that is not what i saw when i got dressed today." that's because i have this fake perception of myself! and i guess i expect other people to see me the same way. i hate when skinnier people gripe about how fat they are. this one girl i know will show me the fat "rolls" on her stomach and sometimes i just want to lift up my shirt and say "you want to see a fat roll?! check out this shit!!!" but yeah, it's just safer to keep it covered up.

i am scared. i'm scared of a lot of things. storms, relationships, financial situations, employment, my health, your health, my family's health. i'm scared that i'll be condemned because i never went to church after the age of 12, even though i believe in God. i'm scared of things that i can't control. i'm scared of what people think of me, especially now that i've decided to just tell the truth to everyone. i can't continue to hide whatever my true self is from the world. i'm scared to move away. i want to move to the city and just leave everything and everyone behind. but i'm scared to start a new life. i don't want to be isolated under conditions that i didn't control. i don't mind being here by myself, but if i had to be alone everyday, all day somewhere else i don't think i would survive.

so now you know a bit more about me...the real me. and maybe as i figure more things out, i'll let you know more about who i am.

<3