why do i care?

have you ever gotten up in the morning and you just know you're in a bad mood? it's not that anything is going wrong, or that i feel sick...i just feel mad or mean or disgusted with something. fed up maybe.

or i guess it could just be a pms-ey mood swing.

i don't feel like being nice today. that's not good for most people.

the avril song where she screams "why do i care? you weren't there when i was scared...i was so alone," has been going through my head since i woke up.

i'm not getting what i want most. and usually about once a month (hmm...) i get where i'm tired of that. but i can't figure out if i should just stop wanting it or maybe if i throw a temper tantrum someone will notice and offer a distraction or just become even more miserable by subjecting myself to further torchure. unfortunately, even know i know it's the wrong choice, i choose option C: subject myself to more torchure.

what is it going to take for me to give up? i'm not a quitter. and the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do and like i said yesterday, i do not think i could do that. no matter how awful i'm treated, it's still like the only thing i can think about when i get a spare moment.

man i just want to go back to bed and get this mood out of my system. if i'm not mad i'm on the verge of crying b/c whatever reality is, it sinks in. and then usually i just push it out so i can continue my dream life in my head.

blah.

<3