needs

do you ever watch something on tv, or maybe hear something in a song, and think "you know, that's how i feel. that's how i've always felt and i just never realized it until now." ?

i was catching up on Six Feet Under (since i don't have HBO i'm watching the dvds) and one of the characters just broke down because she, for once, felt needed, and then the person that needed her disappeared. so she realized that no one needed her.

and i was thinking, you know, that could possibly be me. who really needs me? besides work. your job only needs you because you accomplish something daily and if you're gone, then something is not being done. but you can be replaced at a job, so it's really not the same.

who would have a vacant spot in their life if i just moved away? or if i died? i guess my parents because i'm their only daughter, and there's so many things that i'm sure my parents want from their daughter (weddings and children, etc. etc.). that's an obvious answer though.

i thought about this the other day too. how i really don't have any friends left around here. like we've all grown apart or i've just flat out gotten tired of people. i never return people's phone calls. i don't have any money, so how much fun could i be to hang out with? and usually i'm just not in the mood to hang out. i really want to move to the north...northeast...a major city. and if i did that, i don't think anyone would notice. not even the one friend i still do like hanging out with. he only hangs out with me because i ask like every week and i guess he gives in every once in a while hoping i'll lay off for a bit.

i guess i'm just wondering...doubting the quality of the people i associate with. i need people. they know i need them (i hope). but everyone is so concerned with their quest to be independent, they don't realize that isolation is not healthy. they need people as much as i do, they just don't realize how important it is to let others know you need them.

i sound like i want a pity party. i don't. i just want that one person who i can trust, that needs me as much as i need them. not for blood donation purposes, but for like moral and emotional support. encouragement. dinner conversation. movie critiques. star gazing expeditions. whatever...

and if i do find a way to move to whatever city that will take me, i'm not telling anyone. and i seriously mean, no one will know.

and nikki...you are the exception to everything written above. ;)

<3