dirty laundry to be aired


i'm in a really bad mood. i have no idea what brought it on, unless spending time thinking about things counts.

this blog goes in million directions all the time. so if you picked me up because you thought i'd be a political read, i'm sorry. i'm occassionally a political read. i'm usually a nutcase with a lot of pecans to spill. and if you just started reading this week, i'm really sorry because you've caught the worst week of the month. take a week off and check back then. maybe i'll be back on some political rampage.

if you actually care about me and my personal doings, then i guess you're welcome to stay.

i have a lot of stress in my life. i'm sure you do too. but see, i am a giver. i worry about other people all the time. how they feel, what's going on with them, what their stress level is like and what i can do to alleviate that. so, in turn, my personal crap just waits in line patiently for it's turn and then about once a month it all comes out and i'm mad as hell for two days and then it's over.

so instead of worrying about *me* i've had my hands full with people from work who've been sick and hurricanes blowing my dear nikki away and my dad being in Anniston, AL, and another friend who's having surgery next month and hurting someone's feelings because i don't like them the way they like me and helping another friend with his website and there's a commission meeting coming up at work and...well you get the picture.

so here's what's on my plate that needs to be shoved down the disposal:

i'm one broke woman. this week is payday at least. and october is a 3 payday month! that's like an extra paycheck! i need another job though. if not a full time, higher paying job, something part time and easy. i just don't want to spend every waking hour working. but i guess that's what you've got to do sometimes. the deal i have with my mom is to find something once i get whatever is wrong with me worked out.

and speaking of whatever is wrong with me. if that's not stress, i don't see what stress is. i worry all day long about whether or not i'm going to be sick if i have a cereal bar for breakfast or some grilled chicken at lunch. i'm worried about the procedure next month. and then today my mother wants to know how much weight i've lost since i can't eat all the things i used to love. i've lost 5 pounds! apparently that's not enough. i've decided that i'm a solid girl who's stuck at this weight forever more and i guess as long as that weight is considered obese, then i'm obese. sure, i'd love to be skinny. i'd love to weigh 150 even though that's not so skinny. i'd love to have every man on the street turn his head when i walked past. but they don't, and honestly it's not that big of a deal to me. i don't like group attention so much. i love individual attention. who knows though. maybe i will lose weight when this ordeal is all over with. is it going to get me more attention? maybe. but honestly, there are like 3 people on this earth i would accept attention from right now. and part of me would turn them down if they showed up when i was skinny. they didn't like me when i was fat, so what's the difference? i'm still the same laurie.

that issue just took a turn into the whole boyfriend thing that i posted about sunday. i should post some of the emails i got in response to that. one guy said that i should raise my age limit b/c the good guys are all older than 26. you know, almost every guy i've ever gone out with has been 5+ years older than me. and going out with them only made me realize how young i actually was. i'm immature! that's why i thought i should stick to guys closer to 23. they usually act 16 which is what i feel somedays.

one of my friends thinks i'm depressed. and you know, i might be a little. i've been depressed before, a long time ago and this is nothing compared to that. i deal with things better now than i used to. if i am bummed out it's because of boy things. i always like the wrong guy and the wrong guy always likes me. and well i'm sick of that and i'm sick of having to make my own entertainment all the time. why doesn't anyone invite me to do anything? i'm always the coordinator of events. and that's b/c i get sick and tired of being alone with me all the time. and then when i ask other people to do things, i feel like i'm invading their space and wasting their time if they say yes. i would think (hope) that my friendship is more valuable to others than that, but sometimes i do need reassuring. i'm a freakin girl! girls always want compliments and praise, things to prove that they are worth something. and i live by myself so i don't get that everyday. and i work in a very small office where you're just expected to work your ass off and not get a "you're doing a great job" everyday. you know what would be nice (and if this happens i'm so going to know it's not your original idea, so keep thinking)? when i do have this scope thing done next month, it would be nice to come home and see notes from my friends. or even see my friends who took the time out of their busy schedule to care for their sick friend who is always taking care of them. that's really bad of me to make such a strong suggestion like that, but seriously, i'm scared as hell. i am a person who does not get sick damnit!

i just want to be special, but not special to just anyone. the right people. i discriminate like that.

this post has gone on for way too long. i doubt anyone would read this garbage, but if it's any consolation, i feel better sorta. it's not for you, it's for me. maybe i'll be back on my game soon.

<3