i've got nothing to say

that's usually when i say the most, isn't it?


i'm feeling sorta lonely today. like i'm lost and i don't know who to turn to. now before you jump up and say "hey! what about me?" sit back down. it's nothing a friend can do. i just am in one of my "i want to be held" moods.

my crush on mike has faded. he's becoming more annoying than anything. he acts like he cares and is interested in what you say, but it's apparent he's not. and then he expects you to help him with whatever is bothering him. it doesn't work like that. most of the people there are getting on my nerves actually. but, in a way, it's nice because i sit on a row by myself and it's easy to ignore what goes on behind you. sometimes i wish there was someone i could bs with, but it's hard to concentrate on work when you're goofing off.

ryan left wednesday morning. he brought me my tables tuesday night after i got home from work. i'm really going to miss him. i already do! he was very angry b/c the army fucked him (and the rest of the 34th) over. they kept promising the guys time off before they left for Ft. Hood, and then instead they worked 17 hour days and decided the day before they were leaving that they were in fact leaving. those guys should not have been treated that way. especially since they are going to be gone probably until 2005.

i used to like ryan you know. i'd like him for a few weeks and then i'd stop b/c we quit talking or he was sleeping with whores or whatever, and then i'd go back to liking him b/c things got better between us. i really wanted to tell him and i was going to before he left, but apparently in his search for acceptance and consoling he went back to the bitch he hated when we first became friends. i'm no match for an ex-girlfriend. i did meet her though. she didn't say anything but "hi" to me. she's kinda trashy looking. very short. very skinny. stringy blonde hair. i was surprised she was there when i went to his apt that night. and he didn't tell me she was there until we were about to walk in the front door. it was sort of disappointing because after that, i had no desire to tell him anything.

i'm just going to miss our current events chats. he'd get all excited about politics and government affairs and i loved that. i get excited about those things too! and since i started working all the time, he was keeping me updated on what was going on. now he's working all the time too, so it's hopeless. he said he'd write me, but i doubt it. i probably won't ever see him again.

well that was depressing.

that's why i'm lost though. i don't even lust after anyone right now. the past two (see above) shouldn't really count because both of them were impossible to obtain, but at least it was something to dream about. now i'm just stuck with nothing. john mayer will be here in two weeks though. does that count?

blah. i think i'm going to go to sleep. another exciting workweek begins in less than 12 hours.

<3