so fresh and so clean, clean

well not really, but that's my own fault. maybe after i clean out some thoughts here in the ol' blog i'll take a shower. i just wanted to get that song in your head. bwahaha ;)

my body hurts like from the tip of my big toe all the way to the split ends i have on my hair. we had a softball practice game yesterday and although i'm in much better shape than i was this time last year, you work some crazy muscles throwing and catching and hitting. it hurts to walk and move my arms and breathe and sit. hell, it only feels good to lay down. i must be getting old. i did have some pretty good hits and i got tackled (!!) at home plate trying to get some guy out. i've got a lovely bruise on my right shoulder from the collision. our first game is this coming saturday against my former employer, equity. should be a good game since i know they're bringing ringers. clear channel is just bringing a ringLer. hahaha...ok, lame pun. it was just asking to be said though.

i was sick like all yesterday morning and when i went to the game i felt okay...and then i went to work and at like 8:00, i got all clammy and had to run to throw up. it was crazy. i got to leave work early! but still....the final 4 games were a bust so i just fell asleep realllllllly early. i'm not sick today and i've had some really unhealthy food, so i'm guessing it was just a one day bug thing. i hope that's what it was at least.

mike and tis grilled today on mike's patio and then we watched wrestlemania XXI! they are some pretty good grill chefs...we had brats and ribs and chicken and beef fajitas. i brought some chips and dip b/c i obviously don't cook. we had way too much food for 3 people though. mike was trying to get me to take home some of the brats and i was like nooo way. those things are way too greasy to be kept at my house. i left the sugar cookies too. i guess i'm pretty evil, but lord knows if i had those cookies here, i'd have them all eaten by tuesday b/c they were the good soft ones with the icing and sprinkles on top. i know you know the ones i'm talking about...they melt in your mouth.

wrestlemania was pretty good i guess. my man randy orton lost, but he did better than i thought he would. batista, my other wrasslin lust, won the championship and the annoying smackdown jackass lost his championship so maybe now i won't have to listen to his crap every thursday. i'm sure you wanted to know all about it. i don't know why i like wrestling, and i don't freak out if i miss an episode, it's just something to kill time with that's violent and funny. we spend a lot of time trying to see the tricks (like how one guy slaps his thigh every time he "kicks" someone in the chin).

i think i was supposed to spend the night at mike's, but i really didn't feel like it. he acted like i should stay, but he was all about getting a shower and going to sleep, so who am i to interfere? i dunno. i'm back in one of those "i should just end this relationship now" moods. i was kinda mad that tis was there tonight since sundays are like the only freakin day that mike and i have off together. i'm off tomorrow too, but mike won't skip work because he's trying to save time for his summer vacation to his mom's and he's supposed to go to dallas in a couple of weeks to see his brother and stuff. so yeah, i'm working next weekend, and then the weekend i'm off he's in dallas, and then i work the following weekend, and then we go to memphis. that sucks! so i guess i'm just trying to last this thing out until after we get back from memphis (i have to go see the killers!) and then i'll just end it. i guess. i dunno. i'm not feeling fulfilled. yeah, that's what the problem is. i'm a needy person sometimes. i need reassurance that i'm wonderful and i mean something. and well, sometimes i don't feel like i mean anything. and i still have that fear that if we did split up, i'd be left with no one because most of the people i hang out with are people i know through him. i know i have my own friends (hi to you..hehe) but it's still hard, you know? i think this fulfillment thing is just a today thing and since i didn't get the attention i was craving since freakin tis (i should just call him that from now on, Freakin Tis) was there tonight, i'm whiny now. or it's pms.

if i really was in love with him, would i feel this way ever? i know i care a lot (probably too much) and he does mean a lot to me, but is it love? whoever reads this that knows what love is.....have you ever doubted your relationship? is that just like a phase that you overcome?

something else that's been on my mind is what if i got pregnant? not that i am, or i should or would, but sometimes those things happen. it would be a really cute kid hehe. i dunno...i'm not so against it as i was like 6 months ago. i don't want to be 50+ when my kid graduates high school. but do i want to be tied to mike forever more? i dunno. i guess that's why the church preaches that you should abstain until marriage. i just don't see myself getting married for a long time. yeah, so this whole baby thing has been taking over my daydreams for a week. i don't think its a sign of any sort.......i just need something else to occupy my thoughts. i have a girl named. hahaha. the boy i'm still working on. if it gets his last name, then i want something with a latino flair.....but not like predictable juans and ricardos and crap.

work is alright. starting tuesday, i work like 8 days straight before i get a day off. that kinda sucks, but i traded with jamie to get tonight off, so i'm trying to not complain. i'm thinking about sending my resume to the devil since i know they are desperate for help on overnights. maybe they'll pay me more than i make now to come back and work since i know how to do everything (pretty much). at least over there i would have the same days off all the time, plus i could probably find a decent day job to help me out. the temp agency hasn't called me and i think part of that is because i have to leave at 4:30 in order to get to my other job. i wish i could just work 1 job and make enough to live! why isn't this happening? i've been out of school almost 2 and a half years and shouldn't i be established in my career by now?

i want you to find and download this great song from Colin Hay (yup...from men at work) entitled "I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You" from the Garden State soundtrack. thanks to zach braff for putting it in his movie and to my beautiful Rossifer for hooking me up with the sdtrk :) it's sad....and compelling....and romantic..and pretty much how i feel tonight. and if you haven't even seen Garden State...get off your ass and watch it! it's so good.

i'm tired of having the same complaints and thoughts weighing me down week after week. i'm tired of asking my mom to spot me a couple hundred bucks b/c even though i worked 12 hours of OT last payperiod, i still don't have enough money to pay all of my bills (thanks pulaski co. treasurer!). it's not like i go out anymore. i'm tired of worrying about mike and whether or not this is real. i'm tired of eating healthy and working out 5 days a week and STILL weighing 190. i'm tired of being insecure about things..and negative about others...and tolerable of others.

i saw a roach in mike's kitchen. that's probably why i couldn't sleep over there tonight. i'd dream about bugs on me and my body hurts so bad i couldn't jump up and run from them. he did say my shoulder bruise was cute. haha

i'm sorry for the whiny nature of this. i just needed to get it out, and i talked to myself the whole way home, but i guess i had more. you guys need to write in your own blogs about how great life can be so i can read it and get all positive again. :) i love you guys!

<3