it's so sad, and so frustrating

i went to visit my grandma in the hospital this afternoon and it was just depressing. she fell and cracked her pelvic bone and is now living in a rehab center at baptist hospital. she's only 87, so a speedy recovery is definitely out of the question. she didn't have much mobility before she fell, and now she's almost helpless.

so anyway...i get to the hospital and she has no idea who i am. she did this on sunday too! my mom blames the painkillers, but i dunno. she kept calling me the name of one of her sister's kids (who would be over the age of 40). i know that she's old and she's totally confused, but it still bothers me that she didn't know me. she also kept seeing things like kids lined up against a wall and a man on a horse riding by. and she speaks gibberish sometimes. it really really sucks.

i never went to visit beth in the hospital or hospice because i didn't want to remember her in that state. i wanted my last memories of her to be the happy, laughing, obnoxious other mom that took good care of me. i do regret not going and saying goodbye to her, but i'm not nearly as messed up about it as i am with my grandma.

grandma will never be the same. if she gets to go home, someone will have to live with her because she can't even get out of bed on her own. i don't like how my mom and her siblings are having to delegate who's turn it is to camp out at the hospital. it's wearing them down.

blah. it's just depressing. she's my last grandparent! she better remember who i am!