learning curve

i'll admit, i'm pretty slow when it comes to learning new things. i used to be fast, but i think the lack of organized schooling has made me incredibly lazy and my brain just doesn't like to learn anything anymore. or maybe it's my stubbornness. like i'll understand everything, i just won't absorb it because i have to see the point right then and there. if there's no point, why do i care?

i'm still in fort smith. i need to go home. something's missing though. i had all these doubts about coming here and i somehow managed to push them away so i could get out of the house. now that the weekend is over, i'll just say some questions have been answered. good or bad thing, you ask? good for me, probably not so good for other parties involved. haha. how's that for a generic answer?

i'm realizing more and more what i want and don't want out of life and relationships. you always think you know, until you're put in a situation that questions that knowledge. i thought i knew, until i started overanalyzing things on the 3 hour drive, and some of those things really weren't blown that badly out of proportion.

yeah. could i not get to the point any better than that? this is not where i should be right now. i should not be in fort smith. i should not be messing around with phil. i should not have imagined things were ever going to be anything other than what they were two weeks ago. i have a need to feel important. and i don't feel that important when he rather sleep than cuddle. or he has all these errands to run today, even though i'm still here, which makes me have to leave sooner than i thought. and yeah, those things just came up at the last minute. but he was considering working today too. i'm not mad. i just feel like i've been shafted. i sacrifice this blahblah and this is what i get in return?

he's still great and a lot of fun to hang out with. i hope we can still be friends, just this whole other part of our relationship is going to end. now why couldn't i just come out and say that before? because he reads this and i'm sure these are words that will never come out of my mouth. i'm pretty detatched sometimes, but he's like 9083425 times worse. i wouldn't mind a long distance relationship b/c i don't like having someone around 24/7. i just expect that when we do get time to be together, we make the most of out of it because it'll be a long time before we do it again. you know?

off that topic -

i saw ross, which totally made my day yesterday. we haven't hung out i guess since that day we had on the border, right before mike and i broke up. i wish we could have hung out longer than a couple of hours! i think we did good though :) he needs to come by and see my new apartment now!

and freakin Mash, fallon and jo the dirty whore never called me back last night! you can't blame me for being a snob now!

and russ is still alive. i talked to him for a few minutes yesterday. i cut him off because i had something better to do, like take a shower. haha. that did feel good, so there were lots of positive things that came out of this weekend.

i'll try to post again before christmas, but in case my life gets so boring and i don't, i hope you have a merry one. i work 5 days this week and 3 the next! wee!

and if anyone knows anything about this new years party at the peabody...can you let me know? from what i've heard, that's where i want to be, but i want to know what i'm getting for my $40.

<3