discombobulated.....disconnected...

don't those words basically mean the same thing? someone get a thesaurus and let me know. you have to agree that discombobulated is a fun word to say. like catharsis and plethora, my two favorite words in the whole world.

i'm having my serving of maple and brown sugar oatmeal, and unfortunately it's the healthiest thing i've eaten in like 4 days. carinos, chili's and krispy kremes have somehow infilterated my life again. but it all tastes so good!

i just don't feel right lately. like i'm trying too hard to impress everyone.

i'm really scared about what's going to be going on in the next few weeks. i was excited like two weeks ago, now reality is setting in and i don't like transition periods.

and it's not just starting the new job that's scary. that's actually on the bottom of my list. here's the list:

1. social life. will my friends want to see me all the time since i'm off at night again? are these people really my friends? do i want to be around them still? i don't keep friends very long. usually a year, and then i just move on to different people. and things are definitely different now than they were last time i had tons of free time at night. do i even have any friends left? (yes, i know that's a dumb question because YOU are my friend, but for some reason, in the back of my head..that question lingers) i treated people like crap when i was in a relationship, so now i guess i'm trying to fix all of that.

2. carrie's arrival. i love carrie to death. she's my one and only girl friend (besides the gay guys, who get their own queen category). i don't want us living together to ruin that, but i'm afraid that i'm going to screw that up. i haven't lived with anyone in 5 years! i'm selfish! i get annoyed when i stay the night at other people's houses! i don't know where i'm going to put her things or how we're going to get ready for work in the morning. i guess it will be better in december when we move to a bigger place, but will i be able to last until then? i want to share my space and my stuff, but i'm really afraid i'm going to come across like she's invading my territory. i don't want to be like that! i need her around to keep me balanced and less of a tomboy!

3. the "m-word." i've decided that the person i used to go out with will have to be refered to as the "m-word" now. not because rex said he'd freak if he ever read this blog, but because i need to phase him out. yeah, i know i've said this 90 million times, but i'm starting to realize that it's true. took me long enough. why now? running into him the other night is part of it. i'm scared to move on because i don't know what things are going to be like without him. am i going to regain those 60 lbs? (probably, if i keep up with the donuts) is anyone ever going to want me again? are all of the people i ditched last year going to welcome me back into their circle? everything was safe then. if i wanted to see a movie, i was guarenteed a date. if i wanted to go see blue october at juanitas, he'd complain, but he'd go. now i have to take initiative and cater to myself again. i lost myself in him. i guess that's what it comes down to. now i'm scared to be me because i just want to be liked! i don't think i miss him so much as i miss the concept of having someone around all the time. and there's really no one in my life that i want to fill that with, so i'm trying to fill it with as many people as possible.

4. my weight loss. is it going to stop because i work during the day? am i going to be too lazy to work out after work? should i get up at 4am so i can do something in the morning? i don't want to go back to shopping at lane bryant. i have to stop comforting myself with good food though. there's not enough time in the world to work off donuts and alfredo sauce and fried egg rolls. i need to buy groceries.

5. new job. for obvious new job reasons.



see. i don't feel right because i have all of these thoughts torturing me at all hours of the day and night! i'm scared. i'm depressed sorta. i'm lazy. i'm just...i dunno. i'm not right in the head i guess.

sorry...i guess this is one of those posts that's mainly directed at me. but feel free to share your thoughts. and none of that, you know i'm your friend crap. i know you're my friend! and i appreciate you for it. just know that i'm battling these other demons within myself. thanks.

<3