fantasy vs. reality

do you ever stop and step back and look at what you've done with yourself and wonder is this real? like you tell yourself something over and over to the point that you believe it. hypocondriacs do that all the time to convince themselves they are sick, but i think i do that to make myself sound better than what i really am.

now, don't make that sound like i'm going around telling everyone how great i am. i really don't do that. i do stretch the truth on occassion. i think it's because i want to make myself sound like less of a loser. i've tried to stop, but it's hard to when you've got secrets that no one else knows and you don't want those secrets to come out so you just make up some story to match whoever you're talking with and take the focus off of yourself.

i'm trying to think of a hypothetical that is completely not related to the information i keep inside, but it's hard to really.

i just feel really guilty about not telling the complete, honest truth. and i only know of one person that knows that truth. everyone else has been led astray. why on earth do i feel so bad about this today? i guess we were talking about things at work and those people are expecting more from me than what i give them. i didn't lie...i just answer questions with open responses so people can form their own conclusions. it's not my fault if they have misconceptions.

i don't trust anyone with the truth really...except for that one person that already knows everything there is to know.

gawww i just don't know. i'm afraid that i'll dig my hole so deep that if i ever did feel like coming out (not in a lesbian way) and fessing up, then it'll sound even worse.

but in a way, they're not a fantasy, these stories i tell. the questions i ask usually get open ended answers too, so i'm just drawing my own conclusions. and i guess they could be completely wrong because i've never been told they were completely right. no one ever said they were wrong either.

so i guess i need solid answers before i start beating myself up about my conclusions. i just don't have the nerve to ask the solid questions or something.

have i confused you yet? i know i am.