high fidelity

i watched that movie tonight. shocking to most people i know, i've never seen it. i read the book a long time ago. i'm totally a list maker like Rob. i've even posted a few lists in this blog in the past.

it's weird watching that movie and comparing it to what i wrote earlier tonight. i don't think i need to go back to all my old boyfriends and ask why we never worked out. i know those reasons because half of the time i ended things. the other half i ended up freaking out and that's why the guy dumped me.

i'm a freaker-outer. it's like when things get just a little serious, i freak out. i went out with this one guy for like 3 months and then i just woke up one morning and thought that i shouldn't be there. so i never returned his calls and eventually he gave up. that was so childish, but i have no courage when it comes to telling people how i feel. well not how i feel but when i have to describe my emotions to others. i'll tell you my opinions and how i feel about *things* but if it comes to *people* i can't do it. i think it's because the last 5 or 6 people i've finally built up courage to tell them how i felt, it was a complete disaster and most of them never spoke to me again.

blahblah rejection is a part of life blahblah. yeah i know. all too well i think. so last fall i decided that i just wouldn't "pursue" anyone anymore. i'll be nice and be myself and if i ever bump into someone who thinks that's cool, then great. if i find someone that i think would be great, tough tootsie rolls. i can't say anything and i sure as hell shouldn't ask them out. i'll just have to get over it because if they wanted me, they could say something. and if they haven't said anything, then obviously the feeling isn't mutual. so much for that women's movement where the girls should do the asking.

so i know last week i posted some weird crap about how i loved you (you is for me to know, and the reader to figure out) and after coming down from that estrogen high, i realized that i do love you. it's not estrogen talking all the time. it's me. like the real me, as opposed to the made up me that is seen walking around the streets of Little Rock, Arkansas. but, as i said earlier, i'm not asking anyone out ever again. and i think you've had ample time to do something about it, should the notion have ever crossed your mind. nothing has happened, so the notion never crossed, therefore, my feelings are irrelevant. and by not hanging them out there on some sort of banner, i'm saving myself a lot of face and embarassment and heartache. i just wish i could figure out how to stop loving you. how to stop caring. how to stop thinking. how to stop questioning. how to stop...just stop.

how i got from high fidelity to that is a big tangled web. but now it's kinda sorta in writing, which sometimes means i've sorted something out in my brain and can sleep better at night!

this cathartic session is brought to you by the great taste of vanilla coke.