a big big big big big mistake
or maybe a misunderstanding?


well this weekend didn't exactly go as well as i dreamed. and i want to kick myself for dreaming about it in the first place. probably why i'm so mad about everything right now.

don't get me wrong, i had a good weekend. riverfest was bloody hot and i enjoyed the two days i did spend down there sweating my ass off. just wish it reflected on the scale a bit more.

i just had one of those dr. phil 'lightbulb moments' about an hour ago. and that realization is...that i don't want to be with mike. well i do want to, but i can't. and he doesn't really like me, not unless he's drunk and stoned and there's no other woman in the room.

we went to the movies tonight b/c the weather sucked and we figured it was nicer to be inside and dry instead of outside and soaking wet at riverfest. we saw the day after tomorrow. it was lame and cheesy. nonetheless, it scared the crap out of me and i'm still scared right now. he thinks that's hilarious. it's funny that i watch movies with my hands over my eyes. and yeah, i do agree with that sometimes. but if you're a guy and you're out with a girl who's doing shit like that, shouldn't you like console her in some way, shape or form? when that didn't happen, and he called me a wuss on the way home, i knew that we weren't on a date and this wasn't going to work out.

maybe i am just considered one of the guys. which is what i wasn't going for, but usually happens. that's probably going to stop very soon.

so after what, like 5 days...ok we'll say a month b/c of what happened in memphis, i'm moving on. he really was a flavor of the month. congratulations.

the plan now is to just say as little as possible and stop hanging out. and when he asks what's up i'll just have to say that i misread some stuff last week and now that i can see clearly, i realize i need to back off.

i have no idea why i like him so much. i spent the drive from his house to mine trying to figure that out. he's got bad teeth (which i called him out on one day like 6 weeks ago and he still brings it up), he smokes way too much pot, he gets drunk practically everyday, he has the shittiest car known to man, he lives in a scary studio apt with hardly any furniture, he's got a group of people in corpus that want him dead, he has this annoying lisp when he says certain things. he has this bump on his nose where it looks like it got broken once before. he pinches my arm like every time we stand close to each other. we fight over the armrest in the car and at the movies. we have halfway intelligent conversations about things that interest me - sports, music, movies, politics, news. he holds my hand when we're cutting through a crowd instead of making me hold onto his shoulder. he knows when i'm having a rough day and at least acts like he wants to hear what's up.

damnit, i was making a list of the things i don't like.

anyway. it's still not going to work. or at least right now it's not. i need to grow up in some areas before it can. and he needs to grow up in different areas.

last wednesday was a mistake. i really don't think he knows what happened, even if he says so. i shouldn't have allowed that situation to develop, much less go as far as it did. it only gave me the wrong idea about our relationship and now i'm paying the price by being kicked in the face by reality.

i'm probably pmsing which is blowing everything out of proportion like usual. i'm still just going to lay low for a while. it can't hurt the situation any more.

thank god June is a day away. roll out some fresh meat.

<3