deep thoughts....not from Jack Handy

i've been thinking a lot about what i want to say here and how i want to say it. i know there will be a lecture from someone about how this is a huge mistake and i'm only setting myself up for pain, but how else will i learn? besides, i get that lecture from the people at work, which is why i decided i'm not telling them anything.

i talked to mike again on sunday when we were supposed to have lunch, but he stayed out at some party saturday night and was going to some other guy's house from wresslin' so lunch didn't happen. he even said that i was probably cursing him in the back of my head for bailing, which was true. when i said "you know, i don't think i can be friends with someone who never has time for me," he responded that he knew i was going to say that sometime. and i almost cried when i said that so i did that little laugh thing i do when i try to hide the fact that my voice is breaking b/c i'm that upset. so he said to not give up on him and we had lunch yesterday instead.

lunch was good. he insisted on paying since he feels it's his fault we don't see each other anymore. we talked for the entire hour and a half about everything not related to our feelings for one another..hah. i laughed a lot and i felt so...complete?

i know he's not perfect, and there's no guarantee that he and i are ever going to get back together, but would it be so bad if we did? if we communicated more then we wouldn't have the same problems we had the first time around. (i sound like dr. phil..ha)

we are supposed to hook up again this week some time. this huge part of me wants to go to his apartment and get him to lay in the bed with me like we used to and just talk. those are some of my favorite memories of our relationship - when we were just laying there, talking, and he was messing with my hair and i was holdling his hand. i learned a lot during those times.

i love him. i know i said that before, but now that we've spent time apart, it just seems like it made me feel even stronger. maybe i'm just insane. either way, he needs to hear me out on this. and if he says 'no, we're not doing this again' then i have to go and probably cut him out completely. you can't be in love with someone and remain in their lives just as a friend. i'll be crushed when i find out he has another girlfriend (he's not even seeing anyone, i asked...ha).

i've never felt this way about anyone, ever. i'm not saying he's my soulmate, but he is someone that i want around for a long time. we just click in this effortless way, and i'm sure that if we would talk about how we feel (this is all based on the fact that he feels the same way) more often, then it would be more obvious.

am i crazy? am i making a huge mistake? i miss him, especially when i get off of work and he's not there. maybe that's what's causing this...but i seriously doubt it.

i just needed to empty that out of my head. i wish i had one of those pensives like in harry potter where i can draw out a memory and then step into it and relive the scene.

<3