i know i get attached easily. guys don't exactly fall for me every time i snap my fingers, so when one does, i wish i could hold onto him as long as possible.

so when i get dumped, i usually try to fix things. with mike, i spent months probably trying to figure out what went wrong and what i needed to do to make everything right again. now, looking back, i know that was a wasted section of my life. i'm glad it didn't actually work out too.

phillip really pissed me off the last time i saw him. when he walked out that door, i knew that would be the last time and i somehow achieved some peace by seeing him leave. sure, a little part of me missed him, but i knew i'd find someone better who actually wanted to be with me as opposed to fuck me.

i know what jason did was wrong. he knows it was wrong. we've discussed it. it's been beaten to death really. i miss him though. he calls me everyday to say hi and bitch about how bad the grizzlies suck (but hell yeah go mavs!). he just thanked me like five minutes ago for our friendship and how i checked up on him all week while he was sick.

i do things like that. i call you when you're sick, even if i live 2 hours away and there's really nothing i can do, but tell a lame story that makes you laugh. i take care of my people because i expect they would do the same for me. a lot of the time they don't, but i don't let that stop me. it's about karma. eventually, someone will have the light come on where they realize how wonderful i am, and how great i deserve to be treated.

now is that person jason? i'm not sure. i'm looking for a relationship with someone that can be my best friend number one, and my lover number two. i think he's doing it the opposite, which is why he ended things so soon. honestly, i rather be married to someone that i can talk to, that shares my interests, and takes care of me than someone who makes me jumble my words b/c i'm so infactuated with them. it's nice to get those butterflies about someone, but that feeling also makes me sick to my stomach and i'm forced outside my comfort zone.

i don't think i'll ever change his mind about why we should be dating instead of best friends. and i guess i'm okay with that. i don't know. it's hard because i really want to stay friends, but the only way i'm ever going to "get over it" is to avoid him for a few months. i can't do that. i care too much to just not answer the phone when he calls.

it's funny how our relationship has worked out. he's liked me for a long time and i was still hooked on phillip, so i would be nice to him but i wasn't interested in anything else. then we had lunch at mcalisters and he would tell me how great i am and we talked like all afternoon. but i was still thinking about phillip. so i went to his house one weekend. just randomly. we had big martinis that made us both sleepy before 10pm. he was trying to cuddle with me and i was avoiding it and he kissed my forehead as i was falling asleep. then he slept on the couch! i thought that was sweet. but the next day, i still told him i wasn't ready for anything and i know i apologized 100 times that day. luckily, he didn't give up and the next time we saw each other i let my guard down and we had fun. and we had fun when he came through town. and we had fun last weekend too! but i guess, as soon as i decided this was something i wanted to explore, he was over it. either i waited too long, or the game of trying to get me was more fun than actually getting me.

i don't get it really. like if you don't want to be with me, then why do you need to hear my voice everyday? i know i like hearing his voice everyday, which is why i always answer. i wonder sometimes if i'm patient enough, will he come around. of course, if some other opportunity should come knocking, i'm not going to ignore it. but for right now...what's wrong with missing him and enjoying the time we do share together everyday?