you know how you talk with someone over a period of time (whether it be weeks, months, years) and the two of you make these elaborate plans that most of the time never see the light of day, until one day when you decide that you're going to do it. forget waiting for the other person to step up, the time is now.

how do you feel about leaving that person behind? isn't it scary to go out on your own?

i'm asking these questions for no reason in particular. it's not exactly what i'm thinking about, only because i can't figure out how to put into words my exact thoughts.




jason wanted to make a wager on the game last night. he took the grizzlies +5 points, and i had the mavericks. if he won, i had to collect some shells and sand from the beach and write him a poem. he didn't win though and i did.

i couldn't figure out what he should do if i won. i mean, i know what i want - for him to really think about this whole not dating me, but being best friends with me thing - but i don't think that's a good wager, even though i knew i was going to win.

i can't fix this. i'm slowly accepting that fact. i can't control how he feels about me today, nor how he will feel about me in the future. i won't say that this will never happen, because to me there's always a 5% chance. and if we remain friends, maybe he'll turn around (just as i'm about to walk down the aisle with another man...like in My Best Friends Wedding...).

today, it doesn't bother me as much as it did two days ago. or last week when i was just so empty inside. i think when i'm sitting on the beach next week with the waves crashing and the seagulls squawking, i'll have some time to really clear my mind and find that inner peace. it's all about meditation to me right now.

so what did i win? he's bringing over krystal burgers (with cheese and extra pickles) and some beer and we're going to watch the mavs win the next round too. and honestly, i have no other intentions but to watch a game with a great friend who also enjoys basketball and eat my favorite burgers in the world :)

and because i'm a nice person, i'll probably still look for some shells and get some sand for him. i'm already sending postcards to a few people, his will just have a poem about the waves instead of the usual "it's so beautiful wish you were here" that everyone else's will say...