the boys of christmas past

i haven't said much since my whole love rant that i went off on a couple of days ago. it's not because i'm mad or anything. i'm still actually pretty happy. things were going on with other people and i was being the 'good friend' and helping them instead of throwing in my own story. so i just came here and dropped that instead of acting like my friends' problems weren't as important as my own.

lots of breakups seem to be happening this week. the freakishly cold weather causing this?

i got dumped one time at my favorite spot in little rock. it was like august so the mosquitos were really crappy and he took me to the park where we did a lot of hanging out and said we were breaking up! i was so mad, not because he dumped me (i was about to move like 2 hrs away) but because he ruined my spot! it took like a couple of years before i went back but i'll never forget the mosquito bites i had because he spent so much time trying to get to the point.

for some reason i was thinking about boys from the past last night. like the guy (who i still can't remember his name) that i made out with on new years eve at riverfront park under the rolly polly slide. i honestly don't think i knew his name then either. i just didn't want to be alone on NYE and really wanted to make out with someone. he wasn't very cute and he thought he was cool because he drove some kind of sports car. like a firebird or something. it was very uncomfortable in the car.

there's the guy that i worked with in the bookstore who could cook like julia child. he was cute and really funny. veeeerrrrrrrry republican. i went out with him around presidential primary election time. i remember he drove a nissan frontier and had this huge Bush/Cheney sign that he liked to stick in the windshield when he was parked. he also carried a gun. we went out a lot for like 3 months and then one day i woke up and decided i didn't like him anymore. well something happened with his phone and i couldn't call him and when he did finally call me i never answered. he liked to kiss me on the forehead. like everytime he left he did that. i run into him every now and then at various places and we just act like we don't know each other. if we were still together, i'd weigh 400 pounds.

there's richard. i wasn't going to name names, but he's a jerk. he used to come over and i'd kick his ass at some video game and then he'd get revenge by beating me up with a pillow and we'd somehow end up making out. he went to some party one weekend and hooked up with this skaaaaaanky girl that strangely enough, now lives like right next door to me. i'm not so bitter about that because everytime i kissed him all i could think about was how gross it was and how badly i wanted someone else. and he knew i wanted someone else so i guess that's why it never really worked out.

and, the most notorious of them all...Rob. rob is the reason i am what i am today. rob really messed me up. i dropped out of college and was working for a radio station. i was convinced that my boss was like the perfect man b/c he was fun and he had an awesome job and drove an awesome car and liked the same music as me. well like a dumbass, i told him that i thought he was awesome so he says let me buy you dinner. we go out to this fancy place i've never been (and never been back to) and he buys dinner and we go back to his place where bad things happen. kissing him still makes me want to gag. he is like 10 years older than me and most definitely in a different place than i was back then. graphic things (that still give me nightmares...so i can't go into detail) happened and resulted in him getting pissy and stomping off and then he tried to fire me the next day. eventually he got another job (and i found out he was sleeping with most of the women working at the station) and i got my job back when he left. i blame him for all my insecurities, including the fact that i am really scared of getting close to another guy.

i'm used to being turned down when i ask someone out, so when they accept i have all of these rob flashbacks and i usually bail before the date happens. i gotta have some non-dates first, and become friends with a person so that i can see they aren't going to turn into some psycho rapist when i freak out, and i'm prone to freaking out.

so anyway...don't you feel so much closer to me now? i'm sure that's a lot of information you didn't need to know, but that's a place i haven't thought about in a long time, and well since i let it out instead of putting back in the back file drawer of my mind, maybe i can resolve all those issues.

or not.

<3