love, lust and similar topics
a post not for cold-hearted unemotional freaks

as i've already established, i'm a sap. and i'm almost positive that will be one of the causes of my death. heartache, heartbreak, heart attack, they're all the same.

i love romantic movies, romantic tv shows, romantic songs. i love the anticipation and excitement of something new, or even something old that's found a new light. i love the safety of it all, the companionship, the guarentee that this one person cares about what you say and what you think and what you do.

unfortunately, i'm still looking for all that. well not so much looking because i think that when you look, you're setting yourself up for great disappointment. i'm waiting for all that. i just never imagined that it would take so long to find me. i know i'm not drop-dead gorgeous, but it's not like i have three noses or something. i am pretty fun to hang out with (or so i think). i like sports and some other guy things! i just always seem to 'fall for' the wrong guy. i don't want to date or fall in love with some guy who's just like me. if that was the case, in 20 years we'd be two fat slobs that did nothing but lie on the couch watching football. i want someone who is just different enough that we have interesting converations and heated arguements (that end up peacefully b/c we know that's an area that we're not the same).

let me tell you a short story. once upon a time, this girl (who remarkably was just like me) thought she found the perfect guy for her. not so much find, but the perfect guy just somehow ended up in her life. the girl could not thank her lucky stars enough for him because he seemed to balance out everything she thought was wrong in her life. yeah, they argued sometimes, but not to the point where they stopped talking to one another. it just seemed as if their personalities were matching puzzle pieces. of course, all of these statements were from the girl's point of view. when the picture is turned around, the guy doesn't see any of these crazy things the girl sees. the guy is bitter, jaded, quite cold when it comes to relationships. in a real emergency, odds are this guy would not come visit you in the hospital. so what's the point? the girl assumed that if she stuck around for a few years, things would change and the guy would warm up and everyone would live happily ever after. not the case though. the girl is now turning into the bitter, pessimistic, frustrated person she used to not be.

see i don't want a relationship because i'm one of those sex freaks, or i'm dependent on another person, or i'm low on cash. i want one so i can have someone to turn to when bad things happpen, or when good things happen. i want one so i can share my experiences with someone else, someone who can relate to whatever is going on at the time. i want someone who will check on me when there are thunderstorms because they know how much i hate storms. why is this too much to ask for most people?

the conclusion to the above story is that the girl has grown tired of giving everything she has to make something work in her favor. she tried everything subtle that she could think of. after many years of taking risks for other guys, she decided that she'd save herself the trouble and the sadness and just give up. surrender to reality and go on her own way.

i just don't understand why everyone always says 'oh don't worry about it. there's this perfect guy out there and when you're in the right place at the right time, he'll show up." so what if i show up 10 minutes early and leave? or what if i weigh 300 lbs and he's actually the perfect guy when i weigh 100 lbs? i could go on with the what if's i guess.

i just wish i could stop thinking about it. about how unconcerned he sounded when i told him someone tried to jack my tires. about how good of a time we have when we hang out. about how happy we'd both be if by some act of God that this worked out.

someday, right?

oh, and if you think i just spent the past 30 minutes writing about you, you're wrong.

<3