i haven't felt like writing anything, and honestly, i don't feel like saying anything right now either.

i really wish beth was still here so she could give me some corny advice. i never took her advice, but it was always good to hear what she had to say. and she'd give it to you straight up, no filler. that's what i loved about her.

after yet another weekend with pretty much no contact with the boy that's my friend that i used to occasionally sleep with (i dunno what else to call him these days), i'm sitting here beating myself up like i think i do every sunday night.

these rhetorical questions are ringing in my ears: "why did i let myself get this involved?" "how could someone bring me down this far?" "what did i do to deserve to be treated like this?" "why me?" "how did i not know that this would never work?"
"did i really believe that he gave a damn about me?"

and so on and so on...

i'm so tired of feeling like this. like i'm second place. i have no idea what's in first place, but i know i'm not nearly as important as whatever it is. i'm tired of acting like everything is okay, when that's no where near the truth. i'm tired of being strong. being miserable because i never get what i want. it kinda makes me want to stop wanting anything because i know it'll never happen.

and yeah, tomorrow, he'll call at 3 like he does everyday, as long as it's a weekday, to see what's going on with me today and to tell me about all the great and wonderful things he did over the weekend. and then he'll probably feed me some line about his phone not working, or he didn't hear it ring, or he was out with so and so and that's why he didn't get around to meeting up with me or calling me or whatever we planned to do over the weekend. whatever. i suddenly find myself too busy to chat. everyday at 3. coincedence? hmm...

i always said i'd never be one of those girls...and look at me now. i'm everything i loathe!

<3