on and on and on and on and on

i don't feel like writing anything, but i've got time to waste and i guess that if i make myself sit here and type, something interesting will come of it.

i'm tired. like physically. i've been like this since sunday and i'm not totally sure why. sunday i slept most of the day until i had to go to work. monday i took a nap (but i did get up at 7am for a job interview) and yesterday and today i didn't get up until like 9. i guess 9 is kinda early for someone who doesn't get home from work until 1:30am. maybe it's these work hours finally taking a toll on me.

i had a really good phone interview on friday with the lady from Atlanta. the next step is a video conference interview with the important people from turner master control. the human resources lady i've been talking with pretty much prepped me for the video interview, so i just need to memorize my answers to their questions. the HR lady is on vacation this week, so i won't hear anything about the next meeting until next week. the class has been moved to late august or early september, so that gives me a little more time to sort things out around here. i really want this job, for like a million reasons.

monday i interviewed with the rimrockers. that sounds like a fun job as receptionist, i'd get to work at all the home games, but i'm not sure if they are going to be able to pay me as much as i need to quit my current job. and if i quit my current job, would that affect the turner situation? should i have told the rimrockers about my job offer developing in atlanta? i didn't. they aren't looking to fill this recptionist job until july i think. maybe by then, i'll know more about what's going on in atlanta, and i could maybe turn it down immediately.

i talked to carrie for like an hour and a half monday. it was so great to hear from her. she's my only girl friend and it sucks that she lives so far away now. she still dishes out great advice though. i complained about mike and she compared me to this girl that we used to hang out with who let her boyfriends beat her up. that was kind of a reality check for me. mike doesn't physically beat me up, but sometimes, emotionally, i feel abused. and now that he's basically changing out his whole set of friends, i feel like i'm next on the chopping block. we hung out on saturday, but that was the last time we even had like a complete conversation. i dunno. i accomodate him whenever he needs it, but he never accomodates me. and i think it's time he reciprocated all i've done for him the past year. we just need to talk i guess. and not while one of us is at work. carrie wants me to get out of this immediately, but that's so hard. i've grown dependent! i admit it! i don't want to be alone! and i've got no one in mind to take his place. i don't know.

maybe that's another reason why i'm so tired. i'm tired of fighting to keep whatever we have (had?) alive. this is the longest relationship i've ever had and i guess i always imagined it ending with me finding someone better.

now you know i've written a thousand times about how i'm breaking up with him on whatever day, and then i never do it. because he always freakin comes through when it matters most! i have to be tough! and strong! i can't let him lure me back to the dark side!

we'll see...

<3