if you could rewind your life and start again, at which point would you start over?

today, i'd probably only go back a year. ok, so i read what i wrote on this day last year, and now i'm sort of rethinking. haha. but really, a year ago today would be fine. it seems like i knew the whole mike thing was about to end. i was all about some eating healthy and working out everyday. proud of my new ipod and the new coldplay cd (that i never listen to anymore). i even gave myself a shout for being at the -54 pounds mark and said i could lose the last 30 by christmas. my, how things have not worked out that way.

i'm still at a net loss of poundage at least. it's just -30 now. i hate myself for gaining those 25 pounds back. i think i'm rebelling against myself though. i am around carrie and jarrett who are both insane health freaks. and when they speak sometimes, it just sounds so superficial and vain. worrying about skin and how certain foods turn straight into fat or whatever. i don't want to be like that. i don't want my world revolving around how i have to order the wheat tortilla because it packs more fiber than the herb tortilla that automatically comes with my turkey wrap. i don't want to debate whether coke zero is better than diet coke, even though neither has any nutritional value. i worked my ass off and lost all that weight and for what? i still felt like a huge blob and mike didn't want me any more than the first day we met. i think that's why when we split, i felt like this pressure was lifted and i didn't have to live by someone else's rules anymore. so i ate what i wanted and stopped working out and for a while, i think i was happy. now the pressure is back. people are "worried" about me because i basically don't care anymore. i don't want to look sloppy, but i don't want to be sacrificing the small perks in my day just to look the way everyone else says i should look. i try to get up early and work out. i try to eat better. it's just not working for me.

a year ago i was still in my old apartment. this is so awful, but i miss that place more than anything sometimes. i had the best patio that i could sit out on and read my magazine and not bother anyone. i always had a great parking spot in the shade. i didn't have to share anything. it was just nice - doing what i want when i wanted and without worrying about disturbing others. i spend so much time trying to make sure i'm not bothering my roommate that i think i end up bothering myself to no end.

a year ago, i was still working at night. i didn't enjoy that so much, but i think no matter what, i would have ended up where i am today. the whole job thing can stay the same. i was interviewing for a job in atlanta this time last year. wouldn't that have been wild if i moved there?

i probably would have made better decisions with my relationships. mike was out. potato...i dunno. i think i would have kept him for the night like i did. no harm there really. i definitely wouldn't have messed around with phillip the first time or any time thereafter. and with that being said, i probably would have been nicer to jason sooner, but less likely to hang out with him.

i wouldn't have moved with carrie. we were good friends before she moved to NC, but not like we hung out all the time or anything. we were once a week phone buddies while she was gone and then whamo, she's here everyday now. i think that's eroding our friendship, and i hate that. the longer i live with her though, the more i realize how we have absolutely nothing in common. i spent time with her and jarrett tonight and i felt left out. i'm not all about celebrity gossip and healthy eating and going to the club. i'm about hanging out and watching the game or maybe a good movie (but not freaking talking through the entire thing about how vince vaughn looks so fat). it's just not good for me and i don't know what the right plan is to abandon the situation, so i tough it out. wow...it hurts to say that, but it feels so right too. i don't want to upset anyone, so i put it all on me and just survive.

i don't like how i've become dependent on jason now for support. it's like if anything goes wrong, or if anything is bothering me, i pour it all out on him and hope that he can somehow mop it up. i know he can't fix anything, that's all up to me. he helps. i can't explain how or why or any of that. i just know that i can sleep better when we've talked because i let some of the steam out. so i guess in some backwards way, i'm saying thank you.

i'm done for now.