i can't stop crying. it's like wake up. go to work. have a crappy day of work. come home. do some stuff. get in bed. cry cry cry. sleep. wake up at crazy hour from bad dream. cry. sleep. wake up and do it all over again. it sucks.

and this isn't totally related to jason. yeah, i'm a bit upset that he didn't have time to talk or whatever today. he got mad and i got mad and hung up.

i just have had the worst freaking week ever.

i was all excited because all signs pointed to me moving into the empty office at work. we have to hire a new AE and a new traffic person and we have zero empty cubicles, so logic would put me in the office. no. as of today, probably not going to happen. the person that works from fayetteville most of the time is probably going to move to little rock and that's going to be his office.

you know, my check still isn't right with the commissions, and i wasn't going to complain because i wanted that office and it was going to make up for the missing money. and now i've got neither!

we're adding another station, sooner rather than later. i'm going to be doing paid programming and there's going to be a ton of it. the difference is that they won't sell for as much as on my station b/c it's in a smaller market and it's a smaller affiliate. so, for about the same amount of money that i'm making with my station, i'll be tripling my workload. AND doing research.

seriously. how many hours are in a day again? and i only get paid for 40 a week. it sounds like i'm going to be working 60. i don't see how this is going to work.

i have so many freakin job duties, even i can't keep up with them. if it's not directly associated with an account executive, then it must be my job. i can't do this!

i filled out paperwork earlier for the therapist i'm going to see next week. it amazed me how many boxes i had to check for what was bothering me. anxiety? yep. feeling panicky? yep. gained weight? mmhm. memory lapses? oh goodness yes. i'm going to be in counseling for years at this rate.

i feel so helpless right now. like i'm being plowed down by everyone around me. i can't do enough and what i can do is always inadequate.

i'm not good enough. i'm not strong enough. i'm not fast enough. i'm not creative enough. i'm not pretty enough. i'm not fun enough. i can't win no matter how hard i try. i'm tired of trying. tired of crying. tired of hurting. i just want to sleep and wake up when it's 2045.