Monday, June 19, 2006

so is it really better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?

i guess without loving, you'd miss out on all those wonderful lessons that you learn from making mistakes. but are the lessons worth it sometimes?

it just seems like i keep learning the same lesson over and over. either i'm too stupid to realize what's going to happen before it happens, or my memory skills are really that awful. i'm leaning towards the bad memory thing actually...hehe

i know things are going to be different now. i just hope it's not too different. distance will be good though. at least i keep telling myself that. i have to figure out how to express myself verbally. i can't tell anyone how i feel - whether it be good or bad. i always am waiting for that "perfect time" which never comes. you can't tell someone that the reason you're running away is because you're in love with them, especially when you know that he doesn't feel the same way. so that's what i do, i say nothing and run as far away as i can.

i'm scared to death that jason's not going to be around for me anymore. he's always been there for like the past 6 months. and now i have to go on like he's not. this cold turkey thing would have been a lot easier if i managed to sneak out and somehow remained in hiding for a year or so. hehe. that's a joke. seriously. i'm in pain. i joke. kind of like chandler bing.

i wish that i didn't say anything, but deep down i know that if i kept to myself much longer, i was going to hurt even more people that mean the world to me. i can't keep isolating myself or sabotaging the great things i have going on. the last thing i want is to be alone, and subconsiously i'm shutting myself off from the outside world. i've got to get to a point where my actions and my thoughts are together because right now i'm going 100000 different directions.

look. i know i've been incredibly selfish lately. i know i've said a lot of things here and in other forums that were probably hurtful and out of line. i have excuses, but i'm sure you don't want to hear them. just know that i'm sorry. i love you all more than anything. i just have a lot going on in my mind and it's built up to a point where i can't take it anymore and i've been lashing out. maybe it's some sort of crazy woman's cry for help. i dunno.

so thank you and i'm sorry. take whichever one applies to you at this exact moment. you may want the other one later. ;)

<3

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