Friday, January 02, 2004

clearing the air


ah. happy 2004. so far so good i guess. i haven't done anything but work! money is nice to have. i'm happy, and that's what matters most, right?

things have been worked out regarding last weekend's dramatic events. i was pretty bitchy sunday morning and he was pretty nonchalant. but we talked last night and he apparently still likes me and apologized for his actions and stuff.

i dunno.

honestly, i'm not all that attracted to him. he's country and i'm city and he's sorta immature and i like to think of myself as mature. but, when the well is dry, you gotta take whatever is offered to you don't you? is that wrong? i am thinking of using someone to fulfill my needs. heheheh.

anyway...that's where that stands. maybe when i'm off next weekend i can shack up at his house for a few days. just long enough to get my fill and then i can go home and enjoy my peace.

i'm not really in a storytelling mood right now. maybe some other time this weekend ;)

<3

Sunday, December 28, 2003

christmas good. boys bad. very bad.


ok this is the last for the year probably. happy 2004!

i am so.......disappointed.....right now. to get to right now though, i have to backtrack and tell you all that's happened since midnight yesterday (fridaynight/saturdaymorning).

i got off work last night and justin (person i was mad at and reconsiled with earlier this week) was waiting on me. we go to walmart we come home to my apt. we stay up til 4 watching movie, playing video game, talking. i have the worst time trying to go to sleep because a) i'm so excited that there is actually a guy sleeping in my bed with me, b) i'm so nervous b/c there is actually a guy sleeping in my bed with me, c) i hate how other people breathe/snore/move when they sleep. it was still good though.

so blahblah we are very lazy this morning and it seems like right after we get dressed, the gang (mal,patrick,mike,matt,ash) shows up. we were having a party for ryan tonight since he's home from ft. hood and no one has gotten to see him. party is fun. me and ryan spend most of the night in my bedroom ripping cds for his ipod, rest of group gets drunk and annoying. everyone but ryan and justin leave at like 8 something. at like 10ish, justin comes in and says he's got to go to benton to see one more person before he heads home. i'm like that's fine whatever, no big deal. he swears he'll be home at 1 and i'm like ok that's fine go on have a good night. so he leaves. and me and ryan hang out until like 11 when he decides it's time for him to go. well i'm exhausted b/c i didn't sleep the night before so i put on my pajamas and fall asleep.

at like 1:15 i get a phone call from justin. he and girl from benton are at WaHo (7 mins from my house) and they are too tired to drive back to benton and no one can take girl home so they are just going to get a hotel room and shack up. WHAT THE FUCK? i say ok fine whatever. and he's all like "you're mad now, right?" and i say no and he says "oh come on now say it if you are" and i'm thinking well you don't expect me to be jumping for joy do you? so i'm short with him and say whatever and he says he'll call me in the morning when he's on his way back here. whatever. we hang up.

i'm pissed. i go out and grab my spare key that he was expecting to use to get into the apt when he got home. it's on the counter in the kitchen now. i'm tempted to gather up his shit and take it to the hotel and tell him to go fuck himself. i think that's the rational response to this bullshit. even though i'm practically desperate for attention from any male these days, i do not deserve to be walked all over and treated like dirt. i'm too freakin tired too though. and that lazy bastard proved to me this morning that even though he says he'll be here in the morning, that could be 1 or 2 in the afternoon. fuck that shit. i'll leave his bags outside and go about my business.

i opened my apartment up to you as a nice gesture and then you manipulate my feelings and end up screwing me over anyway.

you know. i was sitting here earlier tonight comparing my notes on justin and ryan (for some reason, all of a sudden this sounds like the damn bachelorette show) and i realized that i'm going after the wrong guy. ryan is more my type. he's big city, big politics, big music, big almost everything i like. justin's just like mr. right now who's in the area and if i need attention he (was) there to give it out. i'm not ryan's type though. we've been there before.

i'm upset that i let myself get all excited over this because i knew damn well it was not going to work out the way i had it in my head. this is what i get for letting my guard down. thanks fate!

<3