i think as time passes, things just don't affect you as harshly as they did originally. last time i said it didn't hurt so bad, and now it's just like a throbbing.

i was confronted about what i said here. and he offered to stop being my friend and calling me everyday in order to fix things. that's not the solution though! i need him around as a friend. he's one of the most honest, sincere people i know. i think it would hurt 12940978234 times worse if he just disappeared from my life.

i don't want things to change. i want to keep hanging out, going to concerts and football and basketball games. doing things we both love. eventually, we'll find our solemates and probably grow apart, but right now, i think we should enjoy the time we have!

i know i'm going to be fine. i'm fine now actually. i'll be great again sometime soon. i just want to focus on fixing me before rushing out and trying to disrupt someone else's life. and i have a lot of work to do.

i'm a little less negative now. either it doesn't hurt as badly, or i'm growing numb.

i just can't figure out things. that's not like me, or at least it usually doesn't take this long.

we had this conversation monday and it went like this:
i said something about not liking something he likes.
him: "what?! i want a divorce! this relationship is over!"
me: "what relationship? i thought there was none."
him: "you have to admit, this is the best relationship either of us have had in the last 7 years."
me: "if you say so..."

i want to be friends. he's pretty good about putting things into perspective for me and making me laugh when i feel like i can't go another day. even with everything, he still makes me happier than anyone else. i'm just afraid that i want to be friends for the wrong reasons - reasons that include him realizing i am the greatest woman in the world and his life would be empty without me. ;)

so do you see why i can't figure this out? talk about frustrating!

i'm back home, which means back to reality. reality is not nearly as much fun!

on the inside, i feel like i'm being ripped apart and i want to scream so badly about how it hurts. i can't let it show though.

i'll never understand why i'm like that. it's like i rather battle myself alone rather than let other people in to fight the demons. no one likes a debbie downer! and i'm not that person.

it just hurts.

i'll say more when i figure out how to word it.