the start of the last month of the 24th year

well i never intended it to be the 10th of january before i got around to posting, or at least posting something legitimate.

i don't really know what to say about the things that are going on. it's a new year, and therefore, everything needs to change. what does that mean? i'm not sure. i just have this overwhelming sense that i need change. i turn 25 in 31 days and while i'm at that quarter-century mark, i want things to be stable. i want financial stability and emotional stability and romantic stability. as of right now, i've got none of that.

i worry about a lot of things, and that worrying keeps me awake at night. i don't know what i want to do with my life. i don't know how the bills are going to be paid the next month. i don't know if mike really cares about me (more on this later). i feel like i'm being selfish because i'm worrying about myself and my issues instead of my friend on her death bed or tsunami victims or even spending time with my own family.

i need a day job to go along with my night job. i cannot make enough money working 40-45 hours a week to pay for what i have. so i guess i need to be working 60 or 70 hours. my dad and i are going tomorrow to see what i need to do to get rid of my car. this really depresses me because i love that car more than anything or anyone. the cold, hard fact is that i can't afford to pay for it or to put gas in it or to get the oil changed. i guess i could grow to love a cheaper, older, more efficient car, but never as much as i love my eclipse. if i'm working 70 hours a week, i'm going to have to give up on my exercising because i won't have the time. and that really sucks because i'm doing so well with that (even my dr. said today that he was very proud of me). so it's like i have to figure out what's important to me, being healthy or having money in my bank account.

you probably thought the whole 'are they or are they not a couple' thing was out of the way when mike and i talked and decided we were a couple like in november. and yeah, it was fine and i guess it still is fine. nothing has changed - i'm just getting tired of the current situation. part of me thinks that the only reason mike is with me is because of the physical things i have to offer, including the car and the computer and the lunch i buy him every now and then. i'm afraid that if he should get a car, then he'll figure out that there's no reason to keep me around and he'll be gone. insecurity? you bet. i missed him so much while he was gone and now that he's back, i'm trying to figure out ways to spend time apart from him. it's like i need to reassure myself that when he does leave me, i'll be okay because i have all of these other people to hang out with and these other things to do. he really gives me no reason to think that he wouldn't be out in a flash like that though. yeah, we make plans for things, but in the short term it seems like he's more interested in what we're doing than the fact we're doing it together. last night we watched wrestling and the OC like we do every sunday (when i'm not at work) and when it was all over, i was crashed out on his bed and he came over and basically asked me to leave so he could go to sleep. so in order for me to sleep over now i guess there has to be some motive or plan for the next morning, like when i had to take him to the airport at christmas. i can't just sleep over and go home in the morning. i just don't get it. it doesn't help that the 3 guys he hangs out with have all left their wives and are now 'living the good life.' maybe that's what's causing me to be stressed....they all did it, and we're not married, so what's the big deal if he just splits?

so yeah....all of that is going on. and i'm waiting now for him to call like he always does and then we have lunch and he goes back to work and i go home to finish my laundry or whatever. i feel like i'm being a pain in the ass because all i want to do is talk about *us* all the time. but it's been almost 2 months since the last discussion so that's not too soon, right? i guess i need some reassurance that i'm not wasting my time and he really does like me, not just my stuff. and then i guess i need to say something about how i mad i get when he sends me home at the end of the night.

when i'm 25, i want to be able to come home and go to sleep with taking some advil to help. i want to stop worrying about everything. if anyone knows of a good part time office secretarial job opening, let me know! i'm a really good secretary. hehe.

what a pessimistic new years post! i'm really sorry. i just have a lot on my mind and a lot to figure out.

i hope you're having a great 2005!

<3