changes

well, i got the job i applied for in promotions. i'm not really sure how i feel about it. i'm excited of course. more money, schmoozing with the public, doing something completely different...it's all good. i'm scared though. i'm afraid that disco frank has built me up into something i can't be. i'm wondering if i'm moving too fast. i've been with this company since october, 8 months. in that 8 months, i'm on my 3rd position. i know master control is a sinking ship and usually the only place to go from there is engineering. and i know i'm not a technical minded person. i don't know.

i start working with Jennifer tomorrow for half-days so she can give me an idea as to what she does. my superiors (term used loosely) in master control say i can probably cut all ties with them by wednesday. i don't want to go though. i know i gripe about some people there a lot, but other people there i sincerely like and i'm going to miss them. i won't be able to come hang out and i guess i'm afraid they won't come by and say hi to me. it's not like i'm leaving the building, it just seems like it.

i guess i just don't like drastic change that much. like all of this has happened so fast and i haven't really had time to sit down and really think about it until today. and now i'm just..apprehensive. i keep thinking that i should have just kept my resume to myself. i could have kept on living my quiet little existance, bothering no one. i'm happy like that.

i guess something deep down inside me is screaming to get out. my conscience is tired of keeping to itself. i don't understand why though. i have no desire to be wealthy. i have no desire to be famous. as long as i have enough money to pay bills and enough friends to help and be helped, i can't think of any reason to not be happy.

besides the fact i can't find my norah jones cd. i've got the empty case! i just wonder who i let borrow it b/c no one i speak to now really likes that kind of music.

what am i going to do? i have thought about just trying out the job this week and if i absolutely hate it telling disco frank i'm sorry but i just don't think i'm cut out to be a promotions and events coordinator. i don't like calling people. and it's not like they gave me the money i was hoping for. 1500 raise now with another 500 in 6 months. it helps, that's for sure.

but maybe frank is right. maybe he sees something in me that i don't see b/c i'm so hard on myself. i strive so hard for perfection in other areas of my life, maybe i'm overlooking whatever is staring everyone else in the face. lately i have been so focused on getting skinny and finding the balance between friendship and something more with mike, that i haven't even had time to call some of my friends that i used to talk to every week! of course, they haven't made the effort to contact me either, so i'm hoping everyone is just really busy. my dad has always been trying to get me into promotions since he talked to some lady that works for Verizon at a concert. she toured with the band and set up a stand to promote their wireless service at all the shows. i can totally see myself doing that. it better be a good band i hook up with though. like JM :) or incubus will do, too.

i hate sounding so whiny about all of this. i really am confused though and it seems like no one wants to listen to me. everyone i've talked to is more or less "you should be excited! this is a big promotion!" maybe sometimes i don't want a promotion. i liked trying to get everyone in MC to hate me b/c i'm screwing with their schedule. i liked watching general hospital at 2 with mike and keydrin and bill. and even though it really creeped me out, having lunch with the 'management team' of MC was still fun.

i've gone like the whole weekend without talking to mike too. i think this is like the first one in a month. i've decided to just hang back on that pretty much. BT and i went to sonic friday and we were talking about it. and he said that everytime he starts talking to mike about how awesome i am and why on earth we're not going out, mike tells him to mind his own business. and apparently some other guy that's friends with BT and mike, that i don't even know, who just saw me going to my car one day, was also asking mike why he's not with me. hah. i think it's b/c i don't look like the girls he likes. i know what he likes and it's not me. it's like the opposite of me. stupid, really pretty girls that are so dumb that they have to be obnoxious to get a guy's attention. me, i'm just obnoxious for the hell of it. so yeah. if he's telling everyone who's talking me up to mind their own business, that's my cue to step out of the picture. i'm not asking any more questions or making any more phone calls. and maybe someday he'll miss me.

quiet, low-key existance. that's still what i want.

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