Tuesday, March 09, 2004

gnawing at the thought of it

when i have a lot on my mind, and i don't feel like talking about it or i'm afraid to talk about it, i usually chew on my bottom lip until it bleeds. i sorta like the stinging and the coppery taste of blood. and then when it seems like it's sorta healed, i go at it again. haha! you cannot heal you evil lip!

first let's just get the bad news out of the way. my second mother, beth, from my old job at law enforcement standards, found out yesterday she has brain cancer. she had just beaten lung cancer and she was doing pretty well. and then her eyes started messing up and the eye doctor couldn't find anything wrong. and then she blacked out at work. so yeah we knew something was up. just didn't expect that kind of news. it's three large clusters of cells and the only treatment is radiation. that woman got on my nerves so bad sometimes, but she also takes really good care of me. she is like my 2nd mother and well it really bothers me that the cancer is taking her over like this. so please keep her in your prayers. she's way too kind to have to go through this.

on to sorta brighter things...

there's a party on saturday. i dunno if i want to go or not. i told a friend i'd go if he'd take me, but now that i think about it, i'm not sure if i want to go with him. he'll just get trashed and i hate putting up with drunk people. and i'm sure everyone will be drunk. so yeah i don't know.

i had some stupid idea that i should get feb's SFM to come over. i never got the nerve to ask though and i probably won't talk to him again for another week. it's weird really. i don't want to have him over for sex. i just want to touch him. like i miss how he felt. his skin was so smooth. my fingers want to run over his scars. and my lips want to kiss him. and then he can go away again for another month or two. i don't want a relationship with anyone. he doesn't read this, so i'm really not all that worried. i just wish i could talk him into coming over. it's not like he's got super major important things to do that can't wait another weekend. damnit! if you'd come over i'd shut up about it! *twitches*

i was gnawing on my lip before i found out about the cancer. and i really think i'm doing it because of the previous paragraph.

but if he doesn't make it...then i guess i'll go to the party. and i'll have a good time. and maybe i'll find someone else who is touchable and kissable.

and i left out the fact i got a great new job from my list of why Feb 2004 was so wonderful. i love my job. i feel so appreciated and like my suggestions and comments actually are heard and sometimes even applied to situations.

i guess that's all i can say right now. my mind just doesn't seem to be in a full functional mode. like my thought processes aren't completing and i keep thinking about how badly i want to touch the SFM! see! i just wandered off into fantasyland again...

ok i'm saving this now before it's like 3 hrs later and i haven't said anything more...

<3