freaking out!

still no word from atlanta, although it's not quite noon yet on tuesday. i called my recruiter lady and her voice mail says she's out of the office in meetings until friday, but she'll return messages during her breaks. is that a good sign or bad sign?

i can't take this stress! i need to know now! i'm assuming the worst, but maybe they just haven't decided. it's just frustrating to know that you could do this job, but you're not sure if you put that into your words as well as you could have.

i had another job interview today with the Board of Pharmacy. it's a small office downtown that's a lot like my old gig at law enforcement standards. the people were friendly and it pays more than i make in master control, so i'm hoping i can get that. deep down i want atlanta, but i guess this is a good plan B?

my mini vacation starts tomorrow. i had hoped that i was going to spend it cleaning up and packing around here, but i guess i won't! six flags and eminem is a go for thursday/friday, so at least i have something planned to do.

my grandma fell in her yard while picking tomatoes sunday, and no one found her for over 2 hours. she doesn't get around all that well, so she couldn't get up when she fell. luckily, my aunt came back to the neighborhood and noticed things weren't right (garage open, golf cart in middle of yard with no one around), so she was found. just a bunch of scrapes and bruises and a few ant bites. scary though for what could have been.

i can't stop thinking about mike either. if we get back together, things have to be different. i'm not sure i want to do that though. i don't know what i want honestly. if and when we go to dallas, we'll have a good 5 hour drive to talk about things...maybe something can be worked out. maybe not. like i'm not stressed out enough as is. although, he usually says things that relax me. maybe that's why i want him around so badly now.

i finished harry potter for the most part. i think i have like 3 pages left. i didn't cry. i figured that's who was going to die. kinda ruins my trent reznor thing having Snape run off like that though.

i just have a lot to say lately...i need all the catharsis i can get.

<3

relapse

i fucked up. not as badly as it could have been, but still...a major step backwards.

i was at work, doing my thing (aka - reading harry potter), and at like midnight i get a text message from mike asking if i'm coming over after work.

now i'll admit, he and i had a really good lengthy conversation on friday, but nothing along the lines of we should get back together. and yesterday afternoon i did text him to tell him about the UFC matches that were going on at the metroplex. but after i sent that at like 5, i didn't hear anything back. so i was like alright, whatever. well at like 1030 i get a message from him saying the matches were awesome, indicating that he was there. so i was like alright, whatever and i texted him back saying great.

the next message i got from him was the one at midnight. and i just kinda sat there in shock wondering why on earth would he want me to come over, and why am i even considering it? so i responded that i didn't know and why should i? and he said that he missed me and he just wanted to kick it. so i said alright, whatever and decided i'd go over there. i miss him too and i hadn't seen him in almost a month, so i just wanted to fill that void i guess.

i left work, stopped by my house to drop off the lunch i take everyday (but never eat), mixed me up a redbull & vodka and went to his house. he was sitting there watching vh1, smoking, and drinking a beer. how romantic! hehe. i crashed on the bed like i always do and then we talked for like 2 hours straight. i heard all about the UFC matches and his vacation and how he *still* doesn't have a car. how he's going to dallas on thursday to see Eminem & 50, but has no ride b/c bill is cheap. he wants to go to six flags still, so maybe i'll get my roller coaster trip after all! he's off thursday and friday...which i guess also means that i might need to reschedule my trip to FS ross...eek. but it's six flags! you have to understand that's the original reason i took off next week!

we talked about atlanta and he says he knows that i got the job and he's really bummed that we haven't had time to hang out lately like we used to. he said that he's going to miss me and that he promises to come visit, but he won't say that i should stay just b/c of him.

he always says everything i want to hear when he's been drinking. he's a mushy drunk, which is usually why i always had my way with him after we went out. i didn't last night though. i couldn't stay the night because i know that would have reaaaallllllly messed up whatever progress i'd made over the past 3 weeks.

so we watched the last half of can't hardly wait and he was getting sleepy and i didn't want to give the idea that i was staying so i got up and collected my things and told him to go to sleep since he had to work today. that's when he jumped up and grabbed me from behind and just held onto me and he was saying stuff in my ear about how great i am and how sorry he is that we aren't together. i turned around and said that i was sorry too, but i can't stay. i said that i missed him so much while he was gone, but he never called and he never has time to hang out with me and i just can't do that. i didn't know what he was going to say to that, and we just stood there holding one another, and he said he knew and then we kissed (eek!) and he kept talking to me as i went down the stairs about how i should stop worrying about ATL b/c i got it and how we have to spend some time together before i move.

i got home at like 415, which wasn't so bad. i was pretty tired, but not sleepy b/c of the redbull from earlier. it didn't take long to crash out though. and then i woke up this morning feeling really guilty about going over there in the first place. it felt sooooooooo good though. just hearing him laugh and having his arms around me, it was like the world was right once again.

i really do think that the only way this breakup is going to be just that, a breakup, is if i move away. especially now that we've both kinda taken a step backwards. how often do people actually break up on the first try anyway? we'll see where this is going as the week progresses...

<3