the purpose of this thing


i've been reading more blogs lately. mostly b/c it seems like i have more people reading my blog (awesome!). a couple of them brought up the feeling of voyeurism that they get when they read other blogs. i can see how that would be, especially if you read mine.

once upon a time, i used to talk about issues in the world that i felt passionately about. politics, social issues, how screwed up arkansas is, how school was a waste of time, etc. and then it seemed like i was getting more feedback when i started airing my laundry here. which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

now it seems like the focus of this blog is me, myself and i. good ol' selfish Laurie. just the way i like it. i still go off on tangents when i read something that hacks me off, but lately i've become so self-absorbed i haven't written about anything (much less taken the time to read a magazine to fire me up).

this blog is like conversation with an invisible best friend. when something good happens, i'm going to come here and gush about it like a 14 yr old girl. when something bad happens, i'm going to come here and cry about it. and if you feel the need to respond, wonderful. it's just like my friend giving me feedback as if we were sitting in a coffee shop discussing this.

i live by myself and my best friend in the whole world lives a 16 hour road trip away! if you feel like you're peeping on me, don't worry about it. mi casa es su casa.

and now i've got to go get ready to play some softball. yup, i said play. they've weaseled me into participating instead of watching this weekend. rarr!!! i'm excited though.

oh! and i lost 5 lbs this week. *takes a bow*

<3

and the mood swings back in the other direction

i'm exhausted so i'm not going to say much. mike and i are back on again. by what means, i'm not exactly sure. laying low seems to work better than i thought. he's making me go to the softball game saturday so i can cheer for him. weeeee.

i really don't know what else i should say. me, bt, april and him stayed up way late last night. hence why i'm so tired.

and i guess that's it.

hi to all the new people who read this! i promise to tell halfway more exciting stories some other time soon.

<3

a big big big big big mistake
or maybe a misunderstanding?


well this weekend didn't exactly go as well as i dreamed. and i want to kick myself for dreaming about it in the first place. probably why i'm so mad about everything right now.

don't get me wrong, i had a good weekend. riverfest was bloody hot and i enjoyed the two days i did spend down there sweating my ass off. just wish it reflected on the scale a bit more.

i just had one of those dr. phil 'lightbulb moments' about an hour ago. and that realization is...that i don't want to be with mike. well i do want to, but i can't. and he doesn't really like me, not unless he's drunk and stoned and there's no other woman in the room.

we went to the movies tonight b/c the weather sucked and we figured it was nicer to be inside and dry instead of outside and soaking wet at riverfest. we saw the day after tomorrow. it was lame and cheesy. nonetheless, it scared the crap out of me and i'm still scared right now. he thinks that's hilarious. it's funny that i watch movies with my hands over my eyes. and yeah, i do agree with that sometimes. but if you're a guy and you're out with a girl who's doing shit like that, shouldn't you like console her in some way, shape or form? when that didn't happen, and he called me a wuss on the way home, i knew that we weren't on a date and this wasn't going to work out.

maybe i am just considered one of the guys. which is what i wasn't going for, but usually happens. that's probably going to stop very soon.

so after what, like 5 days...ok we'll say a month b/c of what happened in memphis, i'm moving on. he really was a flavor of the month. congratulations.

the plan now is to just say as little as possible and stop hanging out. and when he asks what's up i'll just have to say that i misread some stuff last week and now that i can see clearly, i realize i need to back off.

i have no idea why i like him so much. i spent the drive from his house to mine trying to figure that out. he's got bad teeth (which i called him out on one day like 6 weeks ago and he still brings it up), he smokes way too much pot, he gets drunk practically everyday, he has the shittiest car known to man, he lives in a scary studio apt with hardly any furniture, he's got a group of people in corpus that want him dead, he has this annoying lisp when he says certain things. he has this bump on his nose where it looks like it got broken once before. he pinches my arm like every time we stand close to each other. we fight over the armrest in the car and at the movies. we have halfway intelligent conversations about things that interest me - sports, music, movies, politics, news. he holds my hand when we're cutting through a crowd instead of making me hold onto his shoulder. he knows when i'm having a rough day and at least acts like he wants to hear what's up.

damnit, i was making a list of the things i don't like.

anyway. it's still not going to work. or at least right now it's not. i need to grow up in some areas before it can. and he needs to grow up in different areas.

last wednesday was a mistake. i really don't think he knows what happened, even if he says so. i shouldn't have allowed that situation to develop, much less go as far as it did. it only gave me the wrong idea about our relationship and now i'm paying the price by being kicked in the face by reality.

i'm probably pmsing which is blowing everything out of proportion like usual. i'm still just going to lay low for a while. it can't hurt the situation any more.

thank god June is a day away. roll out some fresh meat.

<3