signs?

i'm not totally superstitious, but my horoscopes for the past couple of days have been kinda freaking me out:

Dear laurie,
Here is your horoscope
for Sunday, September 12:
Thinking of making something more permanent? Have you been thinking about it for several days? Well, they've been thinking along those lines too. Work out the details over an elegant, relaxing dinner. Tonight would be best.

Dear laurie,
Here is your horoscope
for Friday, September 10:
Stop putting off that conversation. There's really no reason to worry about it any longer. All the cosmic lights are green, and this is the stuff that storybook memories are made of.

now everyone and their grandma knows that i've been debating this whole relationship thing with mike in my head for like a month. and i still haven't said anything because it just doesn't feel like the right time or something happens where it would be stupid of me to bring it up.

i dunno. last night i was planning on watching the texas/razorbacks game here by myself. then it turned into a mini football party friday afternoon. then around gametime it turned into just me and mike drinkin beer at his house. i'm not complaining about it, it was a lot of fun. i saw my baby brother on espn 3 times :) after the game we took our drunk asses to ihop (it's just down the street...so none of those dwi lectures please). and we were just sitting there in a dark booth and he was staring at me which made me kinda nervous. blahblah. ate and went back to his house and i was going to go home (it was like 130) b/c i had been awake since 7, but i had to pee so i went upstairs. when i came out of the bathroom he was watching cartoons and i just kinda crashed on the bed. well not 5 minutes later he's crawling onto the bed with me and cuddles up behind me and will not let go for anything. so i'm like cool, i'll just sleep here, b/c i'm a sucker for cuddling up with him. well the a/c was blowing right on me so i was freezing and i kept shivering and finally he got up and turned it off. so i'm dozing off again and he's massaging my back and we make out for a while (sheesh...i've been wanting to do that for like a month) and i finally give in and we have sex.

sorry i put these details out there like that.

after we did it, i felt really guilty. i never had that feeling before. is that normal? i just wanted to get dressed and go home to my own bed. so i put my clothes on and we talked about something for a few minutes and i just got up and kissed him and left. when i was driving home i was screaming "what the fuck is going on? what am i doing? this has got to stop" and i know that i don't really want it to stop, but i do want to know what's going on.

i think i know more now what's going on than i did the first time i brought this up. ever since we both had our vacations, we're spending more time together and it's like more intimate. we know each other's routines and schedules (work, family, whatever). we have conversations about what we'll be doing in a few months together, things about our families that you don't really talk about with your friends, everything except the blaring obvious - are we or aren't we a couple? everyone says we are. i even wake up in the morning and say "ok i'm going to have a mike-free day" meaning no phone calls, no trips to pick him up from work, no contact. and by 3p, he's called me or text messaged me. we may not hang out, but it's like something's wrong if we don't communicate.

monday he starts a new job at night so we'll be seeing each other after work again like we were a few weeks ago. next saturday we have razorback tickets (north end zone if anyone's going). the next friday we have van halen tickets. and then before you know it, it'll be october when we have nba basketball games and apparently a Jay-z concert to go to. if we're still together at christmas, then everything that is going on now is considered part of our relationship. hah.

maybe i'll have that conversation tomorrow night. tonight is out of the question b/c he's kickin it with the guys, watching the chiefs' game. so yeah. tomorrow. i did write down most of my thoughts with full intentions of passing the note like in jr. high, but i haven't even done that. it's in the car. so maybe when he's driving tomorrow he'll find it and just answer everything. we just need to have a nice quiet dinner at home and that way i can just put everything on the table and watch his reaction and if it's bad, get the hell out of there and be done with it. i don't think it will be bad though. things are too good right now for things to go bad.

i still want to know why i felt so - i don't even know if it was guilt - weird, after we...yeah. whatever. ack. what if i'm falling in.....love..... ?

<3