i can't stop crying. it's like wake up. go to work. have a crappy day of work. come home. do some stuff. get in bed. cry cry cry. sleep. wake up at crazy hour from bad dream. cry. sleep. wake up and do it all over again. it sucks.

and this isn't totally related to jason. yeah, i'm a bit upset that he didn't have time to talk or whatever today. he got mad and i got mad and hung up.

i just have had the worst freaking week ever.

i was all excited because all signs pointed to me moving into the empty office at work. we have to hire a new AE and a new traffic person and we have zero empty cubicles, so logic would put me in the office. no. as of today, probably not going to happen. the person that works from fayetteville most of the time is probably going to move to little rock and that's going to be his office.

you know, my check still isn't right with the commissions, and i wasn't going to complain because i wanted that office and it was going to make up for the missing money. and now i've got neither!

we're adding another station, sooner rather than later. i'm going to be doing paid programming and there's going to be a ton of it. the difference is that they won't sell for as much as on my station b/c it's in a smaller market and it's a smaller affiliate. so, for about the same amount of money that i'm making with my station, i'll be tripling my workload. AND doing research.

seriously. how many hours are in a day again? and i only get paid for 40 a week. it sounds like i'm going to be working 60. i don't see how this is going to work.

i have so many freakin job duties, even i can't keep up with them. if it's not directly associated with an account executive, then it must be my job. i can't do this!

i filled out paperwork earlier for the therapist i'm going to see next week. it amazed me how many boxes i had to check for what was bothering me. anxiety? yep. feeling panicky? yep. gained weight? mmhm. memory lapses? oh goodness yes. i'm going to be in counseling for years at this rate.

i feel so helpless right now. like i'm being plowed down by everyone around me. i can't do enough and what i can do is always inadequate.

i'm not good enough. i'm not strong enough. i'm not fast enough. i'm not creative enough. i'm not pretty enough. i'm not fun enough. i can't win no matter how hard i try. i'm tired of trying. tired of crying. tired of hurting. i just want to sleep and wake up when it's 2045.

so is it really better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?

i guess without loving, you'd miss out on all those wonderful lessons that you learn from making mistakes. but are the lessons worth it sometimes?

it just seems like i keep learning the same lesson over and over. either i'm too stupid to realize what's going to happen before it happens, or my memory skills are really that awful. i'm leaning towards the bad memory thing actually...hehe

i know things are going to be different now. i just hope it's not too different. distance will be good though. at least i keep telling myself that. i have to figure out how to express myself verbally. i can't tell anyone how i feel - whether it be good or bad. i always am waiting for that "perfect time" which never comes. you can't tell someone that the reason you're running away is because you're in love with them, especially when you know that he doesn't feel the same way. so that's what i do, i say nothing and run as far away as i can.

i'm scared to death that jason's not going to be around for me anymore. he's always been there for like the past 6 months. and now i have to go on like he's not. this cold turkey thing would have been a lot easier if i managed to sneak out and somehow remained in hiding for a year or so. hehe. that's a joke. seriously. i'm in pain. i joke. kind of like chandler bing.

i wish that i didn't say anything, but deep down i know that if i kept to myself much longer, i was going to hurt even more people that mean the world to me. i can't keep isolating myself or sabotaging the great things i have going on. the last thing i want is to be alone, and subconsiously i'm shutting myself off from the outside world. i've got to get to a point where my actions and my thoughts are together because right now i'm going 100000 different directions.

look. i know i've been incredibly selfish lately. i know i've said a lot of things here and in other forums that were probably hurtful and out of line. i have excuses, but i'm sure you don't want to hear them. just know that i'm sorry. i love you all more than anything. i just have a lot going on in my mind and it's built up to a point where i can't take it anymore and i've been lashing out. maybe it's some sort of crazy woman's cry for help. i dunno.

so thank you and i'm sorry. take whichever one applies to you at this exact moment. you may want the other one later. ;)

<3