things i hate about me...
how i can never say exactly how i feel. how i have the ability to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. how sometimes i'm too sensitive, and when someone asks what's wrong, i say nothing. this empty feeling i have right this moment. just when i'm happy and accepting of my body, none of my clothes fit. the negative voices always screaming at me from the inside. how i don't have the answers to "what's wrong? why are you like that? where do you want to be in 5 years?" i always fall in love with the wrong person. my lack of girlie-ness. how i feel like i need to shave my legs again like a day and a half later. i'm so awkward on dates. i have no concept of when to make a move. that sick feeling i get in the pit of my stomach when a date is going in a good direction. how i see the end of a relationship before the relationship begins. the sadness i feel when he leaves. i tune out when certain people talk. i daydream instead of listen. my inability to retain information. how i've changed from extroverted and obnoxious to introverted and passive. i can't walk in heels - i don't even like how my feet feel in flats. food is one of the few things that make me incredibly happy. i like when other people make decisions for me. i'm too accomodating. i miss out on things i really love because whoever i'm with isn't interested. i'm never going to be good enough for myself. my hair cannot handle arkansas humidity. i can't dance (but who can, really?). i can't talk to anyone about this. not because i think they don't care, but because i can't verbalize how miserable i am sometimes. i'm tired of the advice on how i could make everything all better if i would just eliminate people or things from my life. those people and things are what make me, me. i would be a black hole without them, sucking in all around me and discarding nothing. how i get annoyed with my roommate for nothing other than the fact that we spend too much time together sometimes. i want so badly to be in love and have that love returned.
who can fix this other than me? i just feel defeated. alone. empty. tired of giving and giving and giving when no one gives back.
I've been talking to my aunts and uncles, mom and dad again.blue october - it's just me
I've been finding out that I have what this world calls friends.
I've tried to push them all away,
They push me back and wanna stay
And that's one good thing I have.
I'm gonna feel a peace in me,
I'm gonna feel at home.
I'm gonna make this cloud above me disappear, be gone.
I wanna feel a punch inside, my heart beat on the floor.
I don't wanna hurt no more.
