not hiding

i was waiting to write something after i broke up with mike, like i'd been planning to do since the weekend. the thing is, it's now wednesday, and nothing has worked out the way i wanted it to. i was going to do it monday at dinner, but we didn't have dinner like we usually do. so i sent him an email that night asking some pointed questions, not really breaking up with him, just trying to get some answers. i worried about it all monday night and tuesday morning and still had no response. so when he called yesterday afternoon, without me even mentioning the email, he brings up how he can't get on the internet anymore because they have a new computer system at work and he can't find explorer. so i'm just like 'okay...no internet...' and thinking crap! so we do our usual car exchange and i decide that we'll talk about it after work because the ride from the gym to the evil empire is maybe 10 minutes tops, and that's not nearly enough time. at like 11:30 he calls and says that bill got his car back and got his new rims put on and they are going to go ride around and he asks if he can drop off my car before 1. so now this conversation is being held off another day and it's not like it's intentional...it's just coincedence that all of these things keep happening so i can't do this! right? you think fate or something is trying to keep me from saying anything or screwing anything up? is it not odd that these little things happen at this exact moment?

it's frustrating. i don't even know if we're going to break up for sure, i just really want to explain that my birthday is important to me and i want to spend it with someone who actually cares about me and wants to be with me. and damnit we haven't slept together since christmas eve! i'm going crazy! and i guess if he doesn't see these things on the same level i do, then we're breaking up. i rather be alone on my birthday than with someone who's just using me for whatever reasons.

and that's why i haven't said anything in a while.

<3