independence day!

i watched fireworks on tv. first time in a long time i've done that. still good though. i think the NYC one was pretty impressive. very choreographed with the music and everything. i don't care for the speaking and the "modern" patriotic music (whoa, i just realized i didn't hear God Bless the USA from Lee Greenwood the entire program...is that just an annoying hick patriotic song? i hate that song..), but the fireworks were awesome.

i love Sousa marches. they make me happy and wish i could be a conductor. i remember having to play them when i was in junior high school band. those suckers were hard! they were always written in 4/4 time but for some reason you played them at twice the speed (2/2? 2/4?). mad insane trills and finger movements.

keith lockhart (boston pops) is an awesome conductor. john williams is my fav composer (ok who doesn't like JW? shoot them on site!)

i spent the day with the family at grandmas. homemade ice cream, bbqed brisket & smoked chicken. and veggies picked fresh from the garden (hi, i shucked corn...yee haw!). it was very....um...american?

last year my friend Ross and i went downtown to Pops on the River. the symphony plays WITH the fireworks (not recorded music there, no sir ree). and the year before that Ross and I were at a NSYNC concert. hehe. shhh! it was fun. Ross lives like 3 hrs away and had to work today so that's why we didn't keep up our yearly Independence Day tradition. it's ok though! i've learned to entertain myself, even on holidays :)

tomorrow i'm going with mom and the aunts to Memphis to do some shopping. now that's what i call 4th of July ;)

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needs

do you ever watch something on tv, or maybe hear something in a song, and think "you know, that's how i feel. that's how i've always felt and i just never realized it until now." ?

i was catching up on Six Feet Under (since i don't have HBO i'm watching the dvds) and one of the characters just broke down because she, for once, felt needed, and then the person that needed her disappeared. so she realized that no one needed her.

and i was thinking, you know, that could possibly be me. who really needs me? besides work. your job only needs you because you accomplish something daily and if you're gone, then something is not being done. but you can be replaced at a job, so it's really not the same.

who would have a vacant spot in their life if i just moved away? or if i died? i guess my parents because i'm their only daughter, and there's so many things that i'm sure my parents want from their daughter (weddings and children, etc. etc.). that's an obvious answer though.

i thought about this the other day too. how i really don't have any friends left around here. like we've all grown apart or i've just flat out gotten tired of people. i never return people's phone calls. i don't have any money, so how much fun could i be to hang out with? and usually i'm just not in the mood to hang out. i really want to move to the north...northeast...a major city. and if i did that, i don't think anyone would notice. not even the one friend i still do like hanging out with. he only hangs out with me because i ask like every week and i guess he gives in every once in a while hoping i'll lay off for a bit.

i guess i'm just wondering...doubting the quality of the people i associate with. i need people. they know i need them (i hope). but everyone is so concerned with their quest to be independent, they don't realize that isolation is not healthy. they need people as much as i do, they just don't realize how important it is to let others know you need them.

i sound like i want a pity party. i don't. i just want that one person who i can trust, that needs me as much as i need them. not for blood donation purposes, but for like moral and emotional support. encouragement. dinner conversation. movie critiques. star gazing expeditions. whatever...

and if i do find a way to move to whatever city that will take me, i'm not telling anyone. and i seriously mean, no one will know.

and nikki...you are the exception to everything written above. ;)

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not very happy...grouchy indeed

why is it when you go to bed mad, you wake up with a horrible headache?

why is it when you tell someone it's really not their business, they demand to hear the story? i mean seriously. everyone knows i hate thinking about it and it's not like we're dating or anything so what's it matter to you?

why did i go to sleep like 30 mins before my ebay auction was over and therefore lost my 5 bottles of nail polish?!! it was my favorite brand damnit!

why does freakin blogger never archive my files?? DO YOU HEAR THAT BLOGGER!? I WANT MY ARCHIVES TO WORK!!

i wish i could have gone to the casinos today with my parents and my aunts and my grandma. it would at least make me semi-happy.

at least i don't have to work all day so i can come home and go to sleep and wake up on the right side of the bed.

blaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

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something i read sparked a comment

i was reading my friend's blog...which i do every now and then just to see what he's up to...and he was talking about Liberitarism and Conservatism, whether it's better to be a Liberitarian or a Republican.

well of course my opinion is the best choice is neither. but it was what his reasoning behind the situation that made me write this.

he says that it's all based on morality. democrats are for a more social agenda and republicans are for the morals (and liberitarians are for neither). his question is that can you be both a Christian (and support a morality stance) and be a Liberitarian at the same time. and then he says some stuff about how the country is mostly christians and whether or not the laws of the land, should they ever be 100% based on morality, govern even those who are not christians.

i'm a christian. i don't wave my flag about it all the time, not because i'm ashamed, i just don't think it's my place. i'm more of a progressive, liberal christian than the Republican sort.

and i really don't think the goverment should be bullying people into following practices of Christianity when they are Muslim or Catholic or Mormon. the united states were built on a principle that people could follow whatever religion they chose without being harassed (like they were in England). so now, 250 years later, we're going to decide that since most of this country is Christian, let's make everyone follow laws based on the Bible.

no.

think of it the other way. what if the US was mostly Muslims and the goverment contained mostly Muslim leaders so they decide to pass Muslim laws. how would you feel, as a Christian, to be governed by these laws?

and another thing that bothers me about this issue, is that we're saying that if you're a Democrat, then obviously you're not a Christian (or a bad one at that). i just believe it's not my business what other people do. if they want to be gay, fine. if they want to gamble their life away, whatever. if they want to cheat on their husband/wife, it's not my place to tell you that's bad. you'll be judged in the end (and your spouse should divorce you b/c you're trash).

read it for yourself: larmon.net june 24 post.

americanism

i feel bad sometimes that i'm an american. not only that, i'm a spoiled american.

i have a cousin that is working with the Peace Corps in Cameroon. the emails she sends (once a week, and apparently it costs her big bucks just to use the computer for 15 minutes) are really eye-opening on how different parts of the world are when compared to us.

right now, i'm sitting in my lighted and air conditioned apartment, watching television and typing on my computer. the closet light is on (it's always on), the living room lamp is on, the refrigerator runs, ice is continuiously made, my clothes are clean and smell good, i can take a shower whenever i want...just things like that. my cousin has no or limited access to that. she wrote last time about doing laundry. how dirt coats everything inside and outside the home. she said that as long as her clothes smell clean, they're clean. there's no way to get the orange dust out of them. she has to use an old timey soap scrubbing board to clean her clothes, no washing machines. i dunno. it's just weird thinking that she is living in the exact same time frame as i am, just on a different continent which is apparently decades behind in wealth and technology.

i say spoiled american because i am spoiled. my job doesn't pay enough to pay my bills, so whenever i need money, i call my parents and they usually fork over what i need. it's not like i'm Paris Hilton or anything, i do have a job, i just have to live outside my means in order to be safe and happy in this town. hopefully, by the end of 2003, i'll be self suficient.

i'm thinking about volunteering to make myself feel less guilty about being such a brat. a woman in my office has lung cancer and has been undergoing chemo. she's going to start radiation treatments at the end of July at CARTI which is a radiation therapy center here in arkansas. this place treats people of all ages with cancer and they accept volunteers. so i figure i could play with a few kids a few days a week and make myself feel better while i'm helping others. so when my friend from work goes by there for another consolutation, i'm going to have her ask about volunteers.

katherine hepburn died. i thought she died a few years ago! still, 96 years old is highly impressive. maybe if i start eating right, i can live to be that old too. if only my mom could see me live that long. hehe

i need some lemonade.

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