Saturday, May 03, 2003

giving & receiving

ask yourself this: do you give as much as you receive? do you receive as much as you give? if you think you don't receive enough from people, do you feel conceited for wondering why you aren't getting all you deserve?

these are my thoughts this evening. i feel bad for even considering that i may give more than receive. but sometimes it seems that way. i think i do a lot of good deeds. i help my mother and i do other people's jobs at work. i say hi to people on the street. i'm courteous. i only gripe in private. and if anyone asks for help, i'm always there!

but when i need help, people bail. is that because i am awful at choosing friends? i just had a bad feeling about moving this morning and wouldn't you know it, one of the guys supposed to help move the heavy stuff bailed. so yeah, i don't have a plan B and i just know i'm going to end up moving my shit by myself. i have no idea what i'm going to do about the heavy stuff though.

i've got to stop being so nice. i know i'm a giver. i've always been one, and i'm sure that won't change. i just wish i could find someone (some people) who gave like i did so i could feel that my efforts weren't done in vain.

i'm okay though! it's not the end of the world! and where there's a will, there's a way, right?

<3

blahs

i'm really bummed this morning. i don't know if it's because i'm so sleepy, or if it's because i went to a bar last night and didn't whore myself out to some stranger, or because it stormed really bad when i was trying to go to sleep, or what.

i have a lot to do with the moving thing still. it's mostly stuff i use on a daily basis though, so that will have to wait until monday night or tuesday morning. today's plan is to get all those clothes i never wear into a bag. i'm nervous that things aren't going to work out on tuesday. like my new apt isn't ready, or all the guys that are supposed to help me cancel. what will i do then?

is it hard to rent a u-haul? how do i know how big of a one i need?

i lost my spare apartment key which also had my mailbox key attached. i've turned this place and my car upside down looking for it. i'm hoping someone in the office can go down there and get my mail for me. i'll probably have to pay for that since i obviously have no idea where else to look.

i had fun last night with the old IT folks. it was nice to see everyone again. but this morning when i woke up, my thought wasn't along the lines of the fun i had last night, but how depressed i was i couldn't go see Wilco and John Mayer in Memphis. now i'm not saying the people i hung out with were not as great as JM and Wilco, it's just that this is the second time JM has been within reasonable driving distance and i've missed him. grrr

Nikki just bought me tickets to see him and the Counting Crows in Raleigh though. she's such a sweetheart. I might try to talk someone into going to dallas to see that tour in August or maybe Incubus on the Lollapalooza thing. Incubus and John Mayer in the same summer would just be the icing on the cake.

I guess i need to get to work.

<3

horoscope

Dear laurie,
Here is your horoscope
for Saturday, May 3:

You deserve to be in love. Your friends supply everything you need to make some fiery magic happen. You're amazed by what you thought was impossible. It just keeps getting better from here.


isn't that interesting? i know i deserve to be in love...the bigger question is, with whom?

and i was so proud of myself for getting over the last person i was "in love" with. is it worth it really?

<3

Thursday, May 01, 2003

old people

maybe it's because i have aol and when i'm bored it's what i use to entertain myself, but old people these days are really annoying. they act worse than children! always picking fights and talking about one another. it's sort of funny, but really sad at the same time.

what happened to the days when parents spent time with their children? now it seems like they spend more time in the evenings on the computer instead of in front of the television.

what will happen when my generation or the generation below me gets old? will we even talk to our children or will we have the nanny/computer/robot do it for us?

just a question.

<3

Wednesday, April 30, 2003

more american flags

ok you know what an instant messenger is, right? well on AOL you can have your own neat little icon to represent you on people's buddy lists and on your ims.

it bothers me that every other person on AOL has a flag as their icon. and no one can give me a decent reason as to why, besides "well because of the war, it's the right thing to do."

i have a cupcake as my icon. not because it's the wrong thing to do, but because i like cupcakes.

<3

american flags

my girl nikki posted something about how it is trendy to sport a yellow ribbon and fake patriotism these days. it was strange because i had just read an article in the latest issue of Rolling Stone (RS 922, May 15, 2003), by Bill Moyers that was along the same lines. I've been searching for a link to it on the RS webpage, but can't find anything. So because i type fairly fast, here it is:

Reclaiming the Flag by Bill Moyers

I wore my flag tonight, first time. Until now, I haven't thought it necessary to display a little metallic icon of patriotism for everyone to see. It was enough to vote, pay my taxes, perform my civic duties, speak my mind and do my best to raise my kids to be good Americans.

Sometimes I would offer a small prayer of gratitude that I had been born in a country whose institutions sustained me, whose armed forces protected me and whose ideals inspired me; I offered my heart's affections in return. It no more occurred to me to flaunt the flag on my chest than it did to pin my mother's picture on my lapel to prove her son's love. Mother knew where I stood; so does my country. I even tuck a valentine in my tax return on April 15th.

So what's this flag doing here? Well, I put it on to take it back. The flag has been hijacked and turned into a logo -- the trademark of a monopoly on patriotism. On Sunday morning talk shows, official chest appear adorned with the flag as if it were the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval. During the State of the Union address, did you notice Bush and Cheney wearing the flag? How come? No administration's patriotism is ever in question, only it's policies. When i see flags sprouting on official lapels, I think of the time in China when I saw Mao's "Little Red Book" on every official's desk, omnipresent and unread.

But more galling than anything are all those moralistic ideologues in Washington sporting the flag on their lapels while attacking dissenters as un-American. They are people whose ardor for war grows disproportionately to their distance from the fighting. They're in the same league as those swarms of corporate lobbyists wearing flags and prowling Capitol Hill for tax breaks even as they call for more spending on war.

So I put this on as a modest riposte to men with flags on their lapels who shoot missiles from the safety of Washington think tanks, or argue that sacrifice is good as long as they don't have to make it, or approve of bribing governments to join the coalition of the willing (after they first stash the cash). I put it on to remind myself that not every patriot thinks we should do to the people of Baghdad what Bin Laden did to us. The flag belongs to the country, not to the government. And it reminds me that it's not un-American to think that war -- except in self defense -- is a failure of moral imagination, political nerve and diplomacy. Come to think of it, standing up to your government can mean standing up for your country.

Bill Moyers is the host of "Now with Bill Moyers" and has won more than thirty Emmys.


some emphasis (like everything in bold) was created by me and not the author.

Tuesday, April 29, 2003

updates

i added a link to this hilarious onion-like anti-republican website. i was reading some other blog and they linked it and well i forgot who i was looking at in the first place to go back to them. that blog was really good too...i hope i can find it again sometime.

i also changed the name again. i can't decide what this damn thing should be called. since it's mostly me griping about my day or blabbing about something, i thought old John Mayer had it figured out.

i might do some other changes soon...it depends on what else i find and how much time i have to deal with stuff.

as for life updates:

the lady with the potential cancer does really have cancer. the biopsy came back positive yesterday and she's got an appointment with an oncologist on thursday. if you know of a website where i can learn more about lung cancer and the survival statistics, then please email me or leave a comment or something. i'm really worried about her and i'm afraid she's going to die. i hate going to funerals.

my job interviews this week went pretty well i think. if i'm offered either of them, i'll probably take it. if i'm offered both of them, i'll have to make a decision on whether i want to do something fun and make less money, or do something interesting and make more money. i also got a call from another department at UAMS for an interview. i've just been so busy this week that i haven't had a chance to call her back. i will do that tomorrow though. it has something to do with Nuclear Education and Poison Control. sounds bioterrorism-ey to me. very cool.

<3

Monday, April 28, 2003

old friends

do you ever wonder what happened to people that were really close to you at one point or another in your life? have you ever gone to seek them out? why did you part ways in the first place? did you just wake up one morning and everything seemed different?

i was sitting here earlier dabbling around and i came across an old friend's website. and it was weird. this person is nothing like the friend i had when i was in school. and my first thought was "what on earth happened here?" i thought that this person and i were pretty good friends. (s)he knows my deepest, darkest secrets...a person that i trusted more than 99.999999% of the population. and well i guess now i'm kind of miffed that i missed some personal life change that this friend had.

so my second thought was "was this friend of mine being someone they truly aren't when we were friends? was this friend living a double life?" how can i trust someone if they aren't being fully honest with me? i doubt (s)he would betray me, but now i have to wonder...next time i see this person should i ask what happened?

honestly...i guess this is why we've grown so distant. it's like we were best friends one week and then we graduated and now it's like a hassle to even make plans to hang out. it makes me sad because i guess now i've had the reality check that this relationship is now over. there's no hope b/c this friend went to the extreme right and i've either stayed the same or gone left.

at least my nikki is around for the long haul ;)

<3

oh...and i was told the other day that i should try to find other ways to make myself happy besides "external sources." what the hell does that mean? doesn't everyone get their happiness from external sources in some way or another? some people have sex, some people drink, some people drive fast, some people go to concerts. whatever blows your skirt up, you know? so yeah...give me some examples of how to make myself happy with internal sources and i may just try them.

<3 <3

big, exciting day number 1

man i could not sleep last night for the life of me. i even took one of my allergy pills that knocks me out and i still woke up like every hour. i was sweating or i was cold or uncomfortable or something. so now i'm just blah.

i have a job interview today at 2p. i've been trying to convince myself that there's really no reason to be nervous. just go in and be yourself and if they like you, great..and if they don't, too bad. it still bothers me though. and now i'm thinking i am not going to be awake by the time 2 gets here. i'm not sure if i want this job so much. it's downtown so i'd have to deal with parking and i really don't know anything about the pay or the benefits. i'm sure there would be perks like free tickets to stuff since it's in the promotions department. and i miss the benefits of free tickets since i quit working for the radio station. i think they are going to have to sell themselves as much as i'm selling me for this position. it's a two way street you know...and even though this job market is bad, it's not like i'm unemployed right now.

tomorrow's job interview is at 10a so that way i can at least sleep in a bit. my boss told me not to worry about coming in until after the interview (which may be after lunch). this is the job i really want to get because it comes with really good benefits like tuition discounts and health insurance and stuff. i could go get my masters degree or go to law school or something! i'm afraid i won't be able to find the building when i get there tomorrow. i've never really been on the campus before and the lady i talked to gave me directions, and my mother gave me directions, but i'm still afraid. i'm sure i'll be okay...i'm just trying to find something to worry about (as if my plate wasn't full already).

the lady with the potential cancer is going in for a biopsy this morning. i think that's one of the reasons why i couldn't sleep very well. i talked to her right before i went to bed and even though she's strong about it...i'm not! i worry about people when it comes to their health and well being. so if you're the praying sort, pray for her. and while you're at it, ask for a new liver for my boss too. i swear that office has something strange going around.

i guess that's all for today. wish me luck!

<3