hope for the hopeless

read this link (spotted while checking my hotmail earlier) for info on fat girls and how we should be proud of being fat instead of feeling ashamed because our mothers think we're going to grow up and be some cat lady b/c obviously no man is going to want a fat girl. eh...sorry for the minute outburst, but it seems like everytime i go anywhere with my mother she brings up how fat i am and how much i'd benefit if i would just stop eating or exercise more or flat out lose weight. today it was all about heart attacks, diabetes, hypertension and osteoporosis. and what did i say that would cause her to go on that rant? i said "saving for retirement isn't important to me right now b/c i need the cash in my hands to pay my today bills instead of my bills 40 years from now." and she says that i won't need retirement b/c i'm going to die before i retire!

ugh. i'm plump, chubby, even fat. and you know what? i feel good about myself. that's what matters most.

<3

apartments

looking for a new place to live is like the crappiest thing in the world to do. and i'm usually so desperate to get out of my current living situation that i'll take whatever you throw at me.

i think this time was different though. i took my parents b/c they are usually more level-headed than i am with these things. i loved the first place i went to. it's quiet and the apartments are really big and the rent is less than i thought i was going to have to pay. and my mom likes it! i went to another place and i just didn't get the same feeling about it like i had the first place.

there were some other places i wanted to go, but after the first place i didn't have any desire to check out anything else. there are these neat loft apartments downtown in old factory buildings, and i would have loved to have seen what they looked like, but no one was ever around to help and i can't get anyone to call me back. maybe my next apartment can be there. if they get some better lease agents that are actually around to help you.

and i get a discount because i work for law enforcement! how sweet is that?

i'm just in a good mood today. i can't wait to move. yay.

<3

razor cuts, empty boxes and strange dates

i have this weird cut on my finger and the only place i can figure out where i got it was from my razor. it took off like the top layer of skin and papercuts usually don't do that. it feels funny when i use that finger now!

i've started packing my stuff even though i really don't have an apartment just yet. i'm going tomorrow morning to find something (hopefully). i hate looking at apartments. i wish they could just come to me and say "hey we're in a great neighborhood and we have cheap rent! move here!" but that's not going to happen. i hate doing it so much that i usually pick like the 1st or 2nd one i see. and i usually regret doing that too.

i have this john mayer song in my head. and it's been there for a week now (and is about to break the record for "song stuck in my head" currently held by Suzanne Vega and Toms Diner at 8 days). the lyrics i keep hearing are:

Over you
I'm never over
Over you
Something about you
It's just the way you move
The way you move me

it's called back to you and it's about "second chances and third chances, and forth and fifth" like JM says on the live album. it's just in my head and i think it might have a lot to do with the fact that i've been doing some mental cleaning this week and pushing thoughts of old people and past loves (see all my other posts from this week) into some rusty old file cabinet in my brain. i've decided that this is it! no more going back! so no matter how many times that song drives me insane, i am proving that i do have the willpower and strength to get on with it.

it's like new apartment, new neighborhood, new people maybe? if only i had more than 12 bucks in my checking account. i think i might honestly pack up and drive to north carolina. rent is really cheap where nikki lives! and there's lots of single military guys and titty bars! rock on!

i have a play date on sunday. i just don't know if i'm going to make it. it's a casual lunch & movie deal, but it's with this friend of mine who's really bummed out b/c he dumped his girlfriend wednesday and he's not adjusting to being alone very well. being the queen of loneliness, i thought i'd help him out. i'm afraid this might get bad though. i'll want him because he's obviously vulnerable and those are easy catches, or he'll want me because i'm cool and i'm there right now. either way, it can't end pretty. and yeah i'm like that...always looking to see how things will end before they even get started. probably why i've been single for 5 years now.

and i will close with a song that will continue to harass me until something is done to stop it.

Back to you / It always comes around / Back to you / I tried to forget you / I tried to stay away / But it's too late

Over you / I'm never over / Over you / Something about you / It's just the way you move / The way you move me

I'm so good at forgetting / And I quit ever game I play / But forgive me, love / I can't turn and walk away

Back to you / It always comes around / Back to you / I walk with your shadow / I'm sleeping in my bed / With your silhouette

should have smiled in that picture / If it's the last that I'll see of you / It's the least that you / Could not do

Leave the light on / I'll never give up on you / Leave the light on / For me too

Back to me / I know that it comes / Back to me / Doesn't it scare you / Your will is not as strong / As it used to be

<3

one friend! that's it!

man i would kill to have just one really cool friend that lived in the neighborhood. i'd give up like all my stuff for that.

now all my other friends are going to hate me, but seriously.....i really want to go see a band tonight and no one will go because they have homework or work tomorrow or whatever excuse you can muster up. this band comes and goes like all the time and i haven't seen them in um like a year or something. it's b/c no one will go with me! grar!

i'll get over it.

<3

the boys of christmas past

i haven't said much since my whole love rant that i went off on a couple of days ago. it's not because i'm mad or anything. i'm still actually pretty happy. things were going on with other people and i was being the 'good friend' and helping them instead of throwing in my own story. so i just came here and dropped that instead of acting like my friends' problems weren't as important as my own.

lots of breakups seem to be happening this week. the freakishly cold weather causing this?

i got dumped one time at my favorite spot in little rock. it was like august so the mosquitos were really crappy and he took me to the park where we did a lot of hanging out and said we were breaking up! i was so mad, not because he dumped me (i was about to move like 2 hrs away) but because he ruined my spot! it took like a couple of years before i went back but i'll never forget the mosquito bites i had because he spent so much time trying to get to the point.

for some reason i was thinking about boys from the past last night. like the guy (who i still can't remember his name) that i made out with on new years eve at riverfront park under the rolly polly slide. i honestly don't think i knew his name then either. i just didn't want to be alone on NYE and really wanted to make out with someone. he wasn't very cute and he thought he was cool because he drove some kind of sports car. like a firebird or something. it was very uncomfortable in the car.

there's the guy that i worked with in the bookstore who could cook like julia child. he was cute and really funny. veeeerrrrrrrry republican. i went out with him around presidential primary election time. i remember he drove a nissan frontier and had this huge Bush/Cheney sign that he liked to stick in the windshield when he was parked. he also carried a gun. we went out a lot for like 3 months and then one day i woke up and decided i didn't like him anymore. well something happened with his phone and i couldn't call him and when he did finally call me i never answered. he liked to kiss me on the forehead. like everytime he left he did that. i run into him every now and then at various places and we just act like we don't know each other. if we were still together, i'd weigh 400 pounds.

there's richard. i wasn't going to name names, but he's a jerk. he used to come over and i'd kick his ass at some video game and then he'd get revenge by beating me up with a pillow and we'd somehow end up making out. he went to some party one weekend and hooked up with this skaaaaaanky girl that strangely enough, now lives like right next door to me. i'm not so bitter about that because everytime i kissed him all i could think about was how gross it was and how badly i wanted someone else. and he knew i wanted someone else so i guess that's why it never really worked out.

and, the most notorious of them all...Rob. rob is the reason i am what i am today. rob really messed me up. i dropped out of college and was working for a radio station. i was convinced that my boss was like the perfect man b/c he was fun and he had an awesome job and drove an awesome car and liked the same music as me. well like a dumbass, i told him that i thought he was awesome so he says let me buy you dinner. we go out to this fancy place i've never been (and never been back to) and he buys dinner and we go back to his place where bad things happen. kissing him still makes me want to gag. he is like 10 years older than me and most definitely in a different place than i was back then. graphic things (that still give me nightmares...so i can't go into detail) happened and resulted in him getting pissy and stomping off and then he tried to fire me the next day. eventually he got another job (and i found out he was sleeping with most of the women working at the station) and i got my job back when he left. i blame him for all my insecurities, including the fact that i am really scared of getting close to another guy.

i'm used to being turned down when i ask someone out, so when they accept i have all of these rob flashbacks and i usually bail before the date happens. i gotta have some non-dates first, and become friends with a person so that i can see they aren't going to turn into some psycho rapist when i freak out, and i'm prone to freaking out.

so anyway...don't you feel so much closer to me now? i'm sure that's a lot of information you didn't need to know, but that's a place i haven't thought about in a long time, and well since i let it out instead of putting back in the back file drawer of my mind, maybe i can resolve all those issues.

or not.

<3

one moreeeeeee!
i really like these silly quizzes. they make me laugh! :P




take the virgin-whore dichotomy quiz.


and go to mewing.net. where we're all studs.

<3

prepare yourself
for a bunch of quiz results

Are you Addicted to the Internet? 54% Average@Internet-User.com (41% - 60%) You seem to have a healthy balance in your life when it comes to the internet and life away from the computer. You know enough to do what you want online without looking like an idiot (most of the time). You even have your own Yahoo club or online journal! But you enjoy seeing your friends and going out to enjoy life away from your computer. The Are you Addicted to the Internet? Quiz at Stvlive.com!

take the death quiz.


and go to mewing.net. laura = great.



i warned you.

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love, lust and similar topics
a post not for cold-hearted unemotional freaks

as i've already established, i'm a sap. and i'm almost positive that will be one of the causes of my death. heartache, heartbreak, heart attack, they're all the same.

i love romantic movies, romantic tv shows, romantic songs. i love the anticipation and excitement of something new, or even something old that's found a new light. i love the safety of it all, the companionship, the guarentee that this one person cares about what you say and what you think and what you do.

unfortunately, i'm still looking for all that. well not so much looking because i think that when you look, you're setting yourself up for great disappointment. i'm waiting for all that. i just never imagined that it would take so long to find me. i know i'm not drop-dead gorgeous, but it's not like i have three noses or something. i am pretty fun to hang out with (or so i think). i like sports and some other guy things! i just always seem to 'fall for' the wrong guy. i don't want to date or fall in love with some guy who's just like me. if that was the case, in 20 years we'd be two fat slobs that did nothing but lie on the couch watching football. i want someone who is just different enough that we have interesting converations and heated arguements (that end up peacefully b/c we know that's an area that we're not the same).

let me tell you a short story. once upon a time, this girl (who remarkably was just like me) thought she found the perfect guy for her. not so much find, but the perfect guy just somehow ended up in her life. the girl could not thank her lucky stars enough for him because he seemed to balance out everything she thought was wrong in her life. yeah, they argued sometimes, but not to the point where they stopped talking to one another. it just seemed as if their personalities were matching puzzle pieces. of course, all of these statements were from the girl's point of view. when the picture is turned around, the guy doesn't see any of these crazy things the girl sees. the guy is bitter, jaded, quite cold when it comes to relationships. in a real emergency, odds are this guy would not come visit you in the hospital. so what's the point? the girl assumed that if she stuck around for a few years, things would change and the guy would warm up and everyone would live happily ever after. not the case though. the girl is now turning into the bitter, pessimistic, frustrated person she used to not be.

see i don't want a relationship because i'm one of those sex freaks, or i'm dependent on another person, or i'm low on cash. i want one so i can have someone to turn to when bad things happpen, or when good things happen. i want one so i can share my experiences with someone else, someone who can relate to whatever is going on at the time. i want someone who will check on me when there are thunderstorms because they know how much i hate storms. why is this too much to ask for most people?

the conclusion to the above story is that the girl has grown tired of giving everything she has to make something work in her favor. she tried everything subtle that she could think of. after many years of taking risks for other guys, she decided that she'd save herself the trouble and the sadness and just give up. surrender to reality and go on her own way.

i just don't understand why everyone always says 'oh don't worry about it. there's this perfect guy out there and when you're in the right place at the right time, he'll show up." so what if i show up 10 minutes early and leave? or what if i weigh 300 lbs and he's actually the perfect guy when i weigh 100 lbs? i could go on with the what if's i guess.

i just wish i could stop thinking about it. about how unconcerned he sounded when i told him someone tried to jack my tires. about how good of a time we have when we hang out. about how happy we'd both be if by some act of God that this worked out.

someday, right?

oh, and if you think i just spent the past 30 minutes writing about you, you're wrong.

<3

finally, a semi-relaxing day

well the apartment situation has been temporarily worked out. i'm leaving but the money situation still has to be worked out. they want me to pay 2 months rent and i dunno if i should be paying anything at all considering the recent events that go on around here.

so after that i went by office and talked with the lady who just got back from a caribbean cruise. then i went by this auto accessories store to check out getting a car alarm. they aren't as expensive as my brother was telling me, so i'll probably be getting one here in the next week.

then i came home and watched one of the best movies i've seen recently. hehe. i watched breakfast at tiffany's finally! it's awesome! audrey hepburn is so gorgeous! i love her hair! she looks like a porcelian doll! if i was a guy i'd insist to marry her.

now i'm just doing nothing. well talking on im with this guy who wants to know my life relationship history. shorter story than he's expecting i'm sure. it's funny to me how these online people always want to make some emotional connection with you. well this person doesn't really count in that group b/c i've actually met him before at some party (and he was totally trashed and tried to jump over a fence but got his foot stuck and actually fell over the fence...it was one of the funniest things i've ever seen) and he knows bits and pieces of my current life. right now he's fishing for explanations on why i'm in the place i am now. it's cute though. i like when other people listen to me long enough to try to solve the main problem that has baffled me for almost 2 years now. especially when these people are younger than me and think they know everything.

anyway. that's where i stand today.

<3

misery

well now that i told the story of what happened today, i really feel like i need to find a way to clear my mind. i swear i have never been so scared in my life. i don't want to find something worse when i get up tomorrow. i just want to run away. i want to leave this town. i fear for my car. i fear for my own safety. i have to freakin carry around a can of mace in case some stupid fuck jumps me in the parking lot. i can't think straight. i'm not hungry. i'm so sleepy but i'm afraid to sleep. i need a rock. a strong-willed support post to smack me upside the head and tell me to be strong and i'll make it through this and out of this stupid apartment without getting myself killed or my stuff stolen (or severely damaged). i'm scared so much because i feel like i'm so alone in fighting this battle. everyone seems too busy to help me. or i'm an adult now so i have to handle these matters on my own. i just want to cry and hide under a rock and wish that i was a kid again. i don't want to be a grown up and have to endure so much pain.

"i'm so tired of being alone, so hurry up and get here."

<3

how was your day, laurie?

oh i'm so glad you asked! let me tell you about my absolutely wonderful sunday.

i got up this morning expecting a normal day going to my mom's house and my grandmas. i threw some laundry in a plastic bin like i do every sunday and took it out to the car. i got in the car (mind you, this car is my pride and joy. the only thing that makes me wake up in the morning. it's my baby) and backed out of my parking spot. while i was backing out i hear this awful noise like something was stuck under the car.

so i turn the wheel back and expect to pull back into my parking spot. the car makes an even worse noise. i just throw it in park and get out to see what's going on. driver's side looks fine, so i go around to the passengers side. my front tire is completely off the axel and my back tire is kind of crooked. some stupid mother fucking fuckhead (pardon my language) stole ALL the lug nuts off the passenger side of my car. after further inspection, i realize all of the nuts are loose on the drivers side and 2 are missing. so of course i'm furious. this is like someone abusing my child when i was sleeping. i call my dad and he and my brother come over with new lugnuts. all of my neighbors came out to go somewhere else but my car was pretty much blocking the street so they offered to help and all.

luckily they did such a great job stealing so many that i wasn't cruising down the freeway at 70mph only to have a tire fly off and me probably land in the arkansas river to a watery grave. i am thankful in that sense, but i'm still mad as hell. if i ever find out who did this, i'll kill him/her. and i say this with the most sincere tone i can come up with. i will kill that person with a freakin tire jack because they hurt my baby.

my apartment complex has lately become infamous for being such a "safe" place to live. a Papa John's delivery man was beaten to death like 3 weeks ago. i witnessed someone beat a soda machine with a crowbar so they could steal the change from it last fall. and now this happens. i'm taking tomorrow off from work so i can go raise hell about it and get out of my lease. i can't afford to get alarm systems and security programs for every little item i own. it's cheaper to just move. and my mom insists i find a gated community or an apartment with a garage and an alarm system.

because i'm moving, i won't get to go to memphis in may to see my love, john mayer. just as well i guess since the friend i was going with bailed on me saturday. that makes me really sad though because i had an awesome hotel room right downtown and i NEVER remember to book a room early enough to get something downtown.

and if everything wasn't bad enough, i found out my favorite NBC reporter died today. David Bloom, following the military into baghdad, died of a blood clot. he was such a good reporter and he was so adorable and well i just loved watching him on tv. i want to cry about it, but i cried so much earlier today about my own misfortunes that i have no tears left.

i'm so afraid i'm going to wake up tomorrow and find my tires slashed or my windows broken or a big scratch in the paint. if that happens, then i'm killing myself. there's nothing left to live for if the whole world is obviously dead set in making me miserable.

listening to: avril "why should i care? you weren't there when i was scared, i was so alone."
shoes of choice: blue sketchers sneakers. it's raining--no choice.