update sorta.........

just really good friends. and you know, i'm ok with that. b/c a) there's a lot of things he does that bothers me; b) i doubt i could handle the 2 hr thing; c) I KNOW BETTER! haha!

see. i need to know the ending before the beginning. that way i don't end up in one of these moods and i can go back to my happily floating along through life, uninterrupted.

rock on.

<3

still....i dunno.......

Dear laurie,
Here is your horoscope
for Friday, February 13:

Your emotions are tender and easily bruised. Your first impulse is to leave town and begin again elsewhere. No matter how carefully you pack your suitcase, there are some problems that will always be with you.


how did they know my feelings were hurt? those astrologers...maybe they do know something after all.

i think the fact that i was used is starting to sink in. i don't know for sure that's what happened, but reality's signs point towards it. i should have known better. i realize that his brain is totally fried, but for some reason that didn't stop me from believing this really sexy guy actually liked *me*.

this is what i get for wanting attention and affection and nothing else. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL LIKE SHIT!!!

why god why!? hehe

ok...after today, i am no longer moping about this. it's ridiculous. and well, I KNOW BETTER than to expect the really good outcome. i know better. i know better. i know better.

see...it's working already.

<3

interesting birthday


man it's taken me almost a week to get back to tell the stories. and i really should be sleeping, but tomorrow (today?) seems to be a short not-average day, so maybe i can squeeze a nap in in the afternoon.

i planned this awesome birthday party for saturday night, but nothing about it went right. the bar i wanted to go to sold out and the people i wanted to see most bailed or fell off the earth. so i was bummed and started drinking white russians and then mal, patrick and mike came over and took me to fazolis for some dinner. we roamed around best buy and they dropped me off here, where i went back to my white russians. i figured this birthday would turn out like all the ones before it, absolutely crappy with nothing going the way i wished...

sunday i woke up and went to grandmas (haha no hangover neener) and then got home pretty late. i was just sorta hanging out here online when one of the people that was supposed to come to my party and i started talking about hanging out. well then the power went out. and that person called. so b/c i was bored, and not sleepy, and off from work monday morning...i take it upon myself to drive 2 hrs and pick this person up and bring them to my house.

and yes, that reads as crazy as it sounds in my head, as it felt as i was doing it. i wasn't really thinking straight? and i really didn't expect what actually happened...

so we get back to my house at like 3:30am. and it's cool. it's like two people hanging out. catching up on things. talking about stuff. watching tv. just being i guess. well blahblah the sun comes up and i'm like i have to get some sleep b/c i had some appointments in the morning so we go to bed....and i think nothing of sleeping with other people. it's not a big deal to me. two adults in the same bed doesn't always mean sex.

so yaddayadda he stays until i take him home finally weds morning. hah...i just left out all the really good parts, didn't i? nothing exciting happened. just a lot of hanging out in bed and making out and stuff. it was fricken wonderful. the best birthday present ever i think. i don't believe i have ever felt that special in my life. i always whine about wanting to be treated like a princess, and i got that!

but now i'm in that stage afterwards...the part where i sit and wonder what the hell and what next. like was all of this a fluke? just a one weekend thing? and now it's over. and if i wanted more, or thought there would be more, i'm just left with nothing. or was it like the beginning of something? probably not b/c things just do not work out like that for me. i had way too much *happiness* and *laughter* and *kisses* those 3 days and now i'm destined for another 4 years of celibacy.

i want some confirmation. am i overanalyzing this? was i used for (or did i use him?) for the weekend and now there's nothing left? or does he wonder the same things i do?

i was sad last night when i went to sleep b/c he wasn't here. it's really crazy to spend 3 days with someone and then be bummed when they are gone, right? the sheets on my bed smell like him. that sorta made me want to cry, but i'm not much of a cryer anymore. i do miss him though. he's so soft-spoken and intelligent and funny and weird and crazy and he has these beautiful eyes and the softest skin and this lip ring that is so fun to kiss on...and speaking of kisses they were awesome. he says he was just following my lead though. hehe. i must be awesome too then. WHY WON'T ANYONE KISS ME?! deep breath. ok. frustration.

just for the record. and i don't care if he reads this, he might, who knows...i want more. i want to spend another weekend just hanging out in bed learning about him while he learns about me. i want to go out and show him off. i want to feel sexy in my own skin. i want to hear him say how wonderful i am, and see him blush when i say that he's so much more wonderful.

there's just two problems with that. a) i know it's not going to ever happen again; b) i don't like accepting reality and moving on.

it does feel good to get that out of my system though. if anything develops, i'm sure i'll let the world know. nothing good i'm sure =
those three days of bliss were so worth the 8 hrs of driving...


<3

twenty-four


yay! i made it to my birthday! and it's been the best birthday ever, besides the so-called party that was supposed to go down on saturday. i want to talk all about it, but i can't right now...there's a hot boy in my bed. mustn't leave him alone too long.

things are gooooooooooood <3