in one of those moods
i don't know. maybe it's the food i ate. or the tv shows i watched. maybe i'm bipolar. it's like one min i'm happily floating along and then for some reason it gets darker. i'm not depressed or anything. i'm not even all that unhappy, i don't think at least.
it has everything to do with guys. and i was really proud of myself for not getting in this mood for like two months. but then i sorta had something to keep me occupied in this department. now, not so much.
the one person i said i didn't really like, but i was going to mess around with anyway because all i really want is affection and attention...well apparently he's found someone else. so i'm no longer the shining light in his day. which sucks honestly. even if i didn't like him all that much, he was fun to flirt with. and he's still sorta flirting with me, just not to the extremes it was before. see with flirting, i get all i want--affection and attention!
so there was someone else i was sorta flirting with. and he's older. and last time i got involved with an older man (i.e. more than 7 yrs older) it really really really messed me up. that incident is probably why i'm so screwed up. so anyway..back to this guy. he's okay i guess. not really the brightest apple of the bunch (neither was said guy in the above paragraph), but who says brains is where it's at. he's not drop dead gorgeous, but he's not ugly either. so yeah. we make a bet on the Pats/Colts game today and he loses the bet. the prize is an impeachment worthy sex act. and when we're talking about it i'm all for it. hello....see above goal of attention and affection. well when he decides he's coming to town to have dinner tonight and i should tag along, even though nothing is going to happen during this dinner, i totally freak out. i can't do it. i can't bring myself to actually go out with people i flirt with. i'm scared to death. the problem is that i don't know what i'm scared of. it's not like disease or pregnancy or anything....maybe it has something to do with my control issues. i'm afraid of losing control so much, that i can't bring myself to become intimate with anyone, even though i want that more than anything in the whole wide world.
i blame this all on what happened the first friday night in November 1999. yeah i know that was like 4 years ago, but i haven't been the same since. i did let someone control me that night and it ended terribly and i don't want to put myself through that again.
how am i going to get through the next 60 years of my life if i can't overcome this fear? i can't come up with an excuse every time someone asks me out. and when i do actually go out with someone, i'm so nervous the whole time i can't think straight. that's what happened when i went out with shane back in sept and when justin came over at christmas.
and for some reason, i'm not like that when i hang out with larmon. i don't remember being like that even when i thought i was in love with him. maybe it's b/c we've been friends for so long that i'm completely comfortable with him. that and the fact that i no longer think he's the man for me.
i need a psychologist. i used to say that all the time, but after how i reacted today after someone asked me out, i really do think i need someone else to analyze my issues and figure out what on earth is my problem.
i do not want to be sitting here a year from now worrying about the same thing. i can't go through another year of not having some sort of relationship with a guy. i don't want to be a fricken 25 year old virgin for crying out loud (see Jun 18, 2003 post for more info).
someone just needs to help me relax. and they're probably going to have to come over and drag me out of the apartment. unfortuantely, i haven't found anyone that passionate about me to save me yet.
"don't hold your love over my head" - JM
<3
