Saturday, April 10, 2004

i am better than you


i'm sorry but i do feel like i am better than most people on the earth. it's not that i want to be conceited, it's just the truth. i have a college degree which puts me ahead of more than half the people who live in Arkansas. i live pretty well on my own, without financial support from anyone. i'm proud to say that i'm 24 and have no children, especially since i was a teenager when the whole 'teen pregnancy' issue exploded. i also have no divorces, no STDs, no criminal history and no people who want to kill me. or at least i hope the last one is true.

i've earned the right to feel like i'm better than you. i work hard to achieve this status!

i'm a snob. i know it. everyone around me knows it. so what's the big deal?

<3

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

oh what a beautiful daaaaay

i don't mind spring so much. except for the pollen and the allergies part. this year has been pretty good to me though. i haven't been totally sick yet. i also haven't spent hours on end outside yet either. subject to change in the coming weeks, that's for sure. you know it's getting bad when you feel like you need to wash your car every day. yuck. is pollen this bad in other parts of the country? if i lived in NYC, would i have the allergies i have now? i'd think not just b/c i just don't think they have as many trees there as we do here. someone tell me how that works.

i talked to ryan this morning...or afternoon in baghdad. he seems to be doing well. i worry about him everytime i see some stupid story on the news about people dying in iraq. i still don't think we should be there. but i guess that's just me. he says he wishes he could write in his blog, but he's not sure the military would allow him. i told him to just write something and i'll post it. if he has to snail mail it, so be it. getting to talk to him for like 10 mins every once in a while is not enough to get the idea of what he is experiencing. someone else tell him he should blog about this!

i went out last night (a monday night, mind you) with March's SFM and the person i had a date with last weekend. i have no idea what i want to do about that. i'm really confused. i want so badly to like the date guy. he's so nice and so sweet and there's really nothing i can find wrong with him! except the whole...i don't really *feel* anything when i'm with him part. when we talk online i say things i don't mean. and i feel awful about that. it's not like we can't be friends. and who knows what could happen in the future, it's just that i am the type of person that worries about the ending without ever worrying about the middle. and i don't want to hurt his feelings and i don't want to get my feelings hurt so with this part of the situation, it just seems safest to avoid all connections.

march's sfm is going to be dubbed april's sfm as well. i haven't seen him in like 2 years i think and man he is even more gorgeous now than he was back then. i felt ugly b/c i hadn't changed at all since i last saw him. we had a really good time though, even with date guy being there. date guy and April SFM got along pretty well i think. there was an awkward moment as we were leaving, when both wanted to take me home (awwww), but i think i handled it the way i wanted. i just don't know what to do! i want to be free and date everyone and not get tied down to anyone. but i'm honestly afraid that if anything should happen with me and SFM that i would get attached. and he's just like me in wanting to be independent and not tied down to a relationship. mmmmm he just smelled so scrumptious. and i had another one of those "should i like be trying to kiss him at this point?" moments. i swear i have no idea what to do when! a kiss would have made last night a date and i'm not even sure if it was that. i'm not even sure if i wanted it to be a date. hell the hug i got was enough to get me through the week probably. hah. i dunno when we're going out again but he left me a message on my ims this morning about how he had a good time and we should go again. but yeah...i don't want to get attached! and i really doubt i'm the kind of girl he would go for. i'm cute and brainy, but i'm not drop dead gorgeous and that's the kind of girl i see him with.

i never would have imagined that i'd have myself in this situation. guy who likes me who i'm really really trying to like back but to no avail or guy who i like who may or may not like me who i don't want to get tied down to so i'm afraid to do anything....

i'm sure they both stop by and read this every once in a while. how lovely of me to have most of a post devoted to them. i'll probably have a discussion with both of them later tonight. and hopefully i can spill all this before they get here to find out on their own.

i was trying to find a way to waste 30 mins here at work so i could go home. and i accomplished that. yay for me. i'm ready for a nap now! coming home at 1a on a monday night is NOT the life for me. i love my sleep way too much to neglect it like that.

<3