Wednesday, June 18, 2003

who am i?

i'm having a bit of an identity crisis. i know i have presented a number of different personas to people and i think it's about time i merged them all together to become the real me. i may be one way to you, but to someone else i'm probably a different person. it's not like i have multiple personality syndrome or anything, i just want to blend in with the crowd so often that i blur my personality enough to hide out. i want to be liked! liked by everyone! it bothers me when someone doesn't like me. i'm nice! unless you do something mean to me i guess.

so since i'm in a list making mood this week...here's what i know about myself. check your observations of my qualities and see how different it is.

i am shy. i don't usually like telling people how i feel about things. i don't like doing that because i don't like confrontation and saying you have a different opinion usually causes confrontation. i've grown up my whole life arguing with people about various things and i guess i'm just tired of that. it's not that i'm going to agree with you, it's just that i'm not going to let you know i disagree.

i am obsessive compulsive. when i organize things on my desk at work, i don't want you touching it because i know you won't put it back where you found it. i like my magazines on my end table stacked the way they are stacked. if you read one and put it back, when you leave i reorganize the stack. i hate cleaning my bathroom so it's not that bad, but i really do vacuum twice a week, even though no one ever comes to my apartment. i like leaving dishes in the sink. when the sink is empty, i have to get a drink just so there's one cup in there. it's odd, i know. it feels right to me though.

i am a control freak. it's why i always drive myself to things. i get so nervous when i'm in a car with someone else driving. i'm afraid we'll crash and i'll have no control in saving my life. i talk a lot when i'm riding in a car because it takes my mind off of the situation. controlling things is also a part of OCD that i mentioned above. i'll probably never live with anyone just because i know they won't be able to do things the way i like them done.

i am a virgin. shocked? i can only think of one person who knows that b/c i've told them. whatever i told you about my sexual life was a lie. i am embarassed that i'm 23 years old and abstinent. it's not a moral decision, it's a lack of opportunity i guess. i'm incredibly picky and there is no one in this world that has liked me as much as i liked them, or vice versa, for me to throw off my clothes. honestly, i'm scared to death of sex. i had a really awful date when i was 19 with a guy that was 29 and he really messed up my whole perception of the act. and yeah, 4 years is a long time to hold onto something like that, but it really was tramatic to me. i don't want to have sex with anyone right now...i want like the whole other side of a relationship--the companionship, the flirting, the bonding, the connecting. then maybe i'll worry about sex.

i am a liberal democrat. you know, political labels are funny to me. how can you align yourself with a side, when there are so many issues in the world that you're sure to disagree with your "party" at some point in time. i say i'm a democrat because i agree with more than 50% of their positions on issues. i'm pro-choice. i'm for gun control. i'm against tax cuts. i like social programs. i was against the Iraq war. i don't think that we'll find weapons of mass destruction. they're gone. syria has them. iran has them. anyone has them, but they're not going to be found. blahblah. now i'd love to list some republican views here that i agree with, but i can't think of any off the top of my head. i like Rudy Giuliani though. Joe Scarborough is my favorite TV conservative. maybe i just think they'd be fun to hang out with though.

i am fat. i don't care what people say anymore. i hate buying clothes (why do you think i have 30 pairs of shoes?) and looking at myself in a floor length mirror. probably another reason why i don't exactly throw myself at guys. i don't like what i see, so why would he? i've tried to make myself mad enough to stop eating (and truthfully, i'm down to like 1 meal a day now). i've tried to go to the gym, but i hate going by myself, but then i don't want other people to see how out of shape i am. i gripe b/c my mother nags me about my weight. i don't want to be nagged, i want to be motivated. encouraged! mentored! when i see myself in pictures i always ask myself "do i really look like that to the world? that is not what i saw when i got dressed today." that's because i have this fake perception of myself! and i guess i expect other people to see me the same way. i hate when skinnier people gripe about how fat they are. this one girl i know will show me the fat "rolls" on her stomach and sometimes i just want to lift up my shirt and say "you want to see a fat roll?! check out this shit!!!" but yeah, it's just safer to keep it covered up.

i am scared. i'm scared of a lot of things. storms, relationships, financial situations, employment, my health, your health, my family's health. i'm scared that i'll be condemned because i never went to church after the age of 12, even though i believe in God. i'm scared of things that i can't control. i'm scared of what people think of me, especially now that i've decided to just tell the truth to everyone. i can't continue to hide whatever my true self is from the world. i'm scared to move away. i want to move to the city and just leave everything and everyone behind. but i'm scared to start a new life. i don't want to be isolated under conditions that i didn't control. i don't mind being here by myself, but if i had to be alone everyday, all day somewhere else i don't think i would survive.

so now you know a bit more about me...the real me. and maybe as i figure more things out, i'll let you know more about who i am.

<3



Could you look me in the eye
And tell me that you're happy now
Would tell it to my face or I have been erased
Are you happy now?

music videos i currently love

red hot chili peppers - don't stop. the guitar solo with the packing peanuts...so dramatic. it's cool b/c it's based on those sculptures by that guy (gee...could i sound more educated?) and they just kind of threw themselves into them. i like most of the RCHP videos these days. always something different. i really need to buy this cd.

liz phair - why can't i? it looks like the old 'brimful of asha' video from cornershop. i think i love it so much because it's liz freakin phair and she's like my favorite rock woman of all time.

white stripes - seven nation army. i like how it keeps moving...with the triangles. i dunno. it just looks cool. and i love the drums in that even though Meg White isn't exactly a drummer.

john mayer - your body is a wonderland. i know that's old but i still love it. it's those lips. and i want a bathtub like that and some hot guy to sit there and sing to me and act like a goober when i'm in the tub. i'm a sap! i can't help it!


considering i watch videos like every morning before i go to work, i'm sure this list will grow.

<3

why do i care?

have you ever gotten up in the morning and you just know you're in a bad mood? it's not that anything is going wrong, or that i feel sick...i just feel mad or mean or disgusted with something. fed up maybe.

or i guess it could just be a pms-ey mood swing.

i don't feel like being nice today. that's not good for most people.

the avril song where she screams "why do i care? you weren't there when i was scared...i was so alone," has been going through my head since i woke up.

i'm not getting what i want most. and usually about once a month (hmm...) i get where i'm tired of that. but i can't figure out if i should just stop wanting it or maybe if i throw a temper tantrum someone will notice and offer a distraction or just become even more miserable by subjecting myself to further torchure. unfortunately, even know i know it's the wrong choice, i choose option C: subject myself to more torchure.

what is it going to take for me to give up? i'm not a quitter. and the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do and like i said yesterday, i do not think i could do that. no matter how awful i'm treated, it's still like the only thing i can think about when i get a spare moment.

man i just want to go back to bed and get this mood out of my system. if i'm not mad i'm on the verge of crying b/c whatever reality is, it sinks in. and then usually i just push it out so i can continue my dream life in my head.

blah.

<3

Tuesday, June 17, 2003

what an understatement

ok so this morning i said something about how it was raining. i was so wrong...it was pouring. and i almost drown trying to get to work. it poured rain until after lunch and right now it's completely gone. it is supposed to rain tomorrow too.

the roads are under water around my office. this one lady from work didn't know how she was going to get home because the roads were all closed. it's really nothing i've ever imagined b/c it never rains that much around here...especially in june.

bah i'm so tired. i'm blaming the rain. my best sleeps usually come while it's raining (and i don't mean storming...).

<3

pictures

i posted a couple (literally) washington pictures on my aol server. click the link on the left side of this page that says something about pictures of me and stuff. or i guess you could just click here.

<3

morning

i think it's thundering. probably raining too. (is it raining now?)having a middle apartment kind of prevents you from knowing what's exactly going on. it's been raining for like 2 weeks from what i understand. and it's not supposed to stop until maybe the weekend. i like rain okay, but it's still like 90 degrees! and i hate that.

i can't get up in the morning. i don't want to get up in the morning.

i talked to a really old friend last night (not old in age but just been around a long time) and he made me think about some things that have been going on. (sidebar: uh...gettin jiggy wit it just came on tv? funky) i know i compare my situation to other peoples all the time, but i really think he shared this one with me. and he did the difficult thing. and is still doing it! i don't have the willpower i guess to do what he did. i need to because i think it might make everything better in the long run. but all i can think about is the really bad period between now and that "long run." i'm not ready for that. i'm too dependent i guess. it was really good to talk to him though. brought back a lot of old childhood memories of road trips and bowling alleys and lusting after yet another wrong person.

i need to go buy a new cd this week. forget the fact i have like no extra money to be throwing around. either liz phair, blur or the new deftones. i heard the blur was kind of techno-ey so i'm not so sure about that but i like the crazy beat song okay. liz phair is supposed to be real graphic like her old cds...but i'm a perv so i love that stuff. and well the new deftones just freakin rocks and i think i need something that rocks!

i guess i should get moving so i can have another fun exciting day at work. weeeeee

<3

Monday, June 16, 2003

liz phair

i am so happy to see Liz Phair has a new cd. she was like my favorite singer when i graduated high school (thanks to gross patrick for forcing me to listen to her cds). her video came on VH1 a second ago and wow she's just so gorgeous. if i was a lesbian or a man i would totally lust after her. instead, i just hope i can look like that when i'm going on 40 yrs old and have a kid.

she's in Blender magazine this month too. rock on.

<3

things i enjoyed on my vacation

i read what i wrote the other day about how happy i was to be home, and i felt bad. so here's a list of things i actually enjoyed, so you don't think i had a bad time.

--IKEA store in Woodbridge, VA. first trip to an IKEA. magical. i bought a lamp and a sharp knife. it was just so cool. i wish they had one closer to here than Houston.

--Fashion Centre at Pentagon City. a mall that has a metro station in the basement. you never even have to step foot outside. how cool is that? and it was 3 stories of shops! with a sephora! and a crate and barrel! how much more could a girl ask for? (the pottery barn was opening soon...)

--Traffic, fender benders, HOV lanes, metro trains. i think i already said how i loved the bustle of the city, those are just some samples of why. i would love to not have to drive to work! especially since they've got the freeway completely torn up on I-30 in SW. build me a metro station!!

--gorgeous eye candy. i think i want a job at the pentagon. the men that rode the train (and got off there) wearing those military uniforms were so nice to look at. i already pledged not to ever ask anyone out again, and i'm sticking to that, but why do those people all have to live 16 hrs away? where's the good LR eye candy?

--most of the museums were free! and it only cost 5 bucks to ride the metro all day all over the city! although i'm kind of bummed that i didn't get to go to the art museum and see the Van Gogh's (my family isn't into that for some reason), the American History museum was pretty awesome and so was the Air and Space. and brad and i had a lot of fun just riding the metro and getting off and see what was at that stop and then getting back on and going somewhere else. that's how we ended up at the Pentagon City mall.

now i have to get ready to go to work. bah! i need a new job. at the pentagon.

<3