Saturday, August 27, 2005

juicy tidbits

in myspace contacts news....i was found by my 1st exboyfriend. haha. it's strange how this one website is throwing me further and further into the past. this is a person that i haven't talked to in probably 6 years, but he's doing a helluva lot better now than he was then. like i said before, it's nice to see how people have evolved both physically and emotionally (and psychologically and career-wise..and on and on and on). i think his reaction when he found me was probably the same 'holy shit' as i said when i saw i had a message from him. he has a pretty neat sounding band in memphis.

who woulda thunk that the world actually kept turning after i leave someone's life?

i got a new cell phone yesterday! i was up for a contract renewal and the poor 1st generation camera phone was having trouble staying on, so i went to cingular. when i got the phone i was trading in, it was a 2 hour wait minimum to get service at the cingular store on financial centre/chenal. when i went yesterday, at like 3:30p, there wasn't anyone there! it was amazing! i got another camera phone that takes pretty awesome pictures (compared to the one i used to have..poor thing) and actually plays like real song ringtones. since my old phone was so messed up, i had no idea that it costs 2.50 for a ringtone. so i've only downloaded 2 and i think i'll have to wait until next month to find something else. the phone is ringing with the intro to Common's "be" and i also got coldplay's 'god put a smile upon your face' but i'm not diggin it so much.

i was so sick yesterday when i got up (before my trip to the cell store), but today i'm normal. maybe it was that caesar salad from wendys...always wonder about those people at wendy's on colonel glenn. and then the subway by work got robbed last night! that's the only two places to eat in that area!

i have to go running again...starting tomorrow. i signed up for the race for the cure in october, so i have no choice. although i'm pretty sure i can handle 3.1 miles walking.

did i mention i had a 2nd interview at the other tv station in town i'm trying to get a job at? i hope to hear something next week. they had 3 openings (sales asst., traffic asst., and research director) and at this point, i'd be happy with any of them. monday-friday, 8-5, weekends and holidays off! unbelievable!

nikki has a link to play mash on her blog and i went and played earlier. i'm a housewife living in a mansion in little rock with mike and our 4 kids crammed into whatever blue car he buys. i dunno about you, but that cracked me up. i guess the personal training business will boom.

oh and my bizarro dreams continue...just less about death and 6 feet under. i don't remember what i woke up to this morning, i just know i was like 'what on earth?' i did have one earlier this week about playing a video game based on the tv show Fraiser. i don't even watch fraiser that much at work (11:00pm on fox16 ha), so you have to agree that's pretty crazy.

it's like exactly time to go to work, so i guess i did an excellent job of wasting 30 minutes.

<3

Friday, August 26, 2005

crazy, fucked up dreams

i need to preface this by saying i watched the finale of six feet under on wednesday and ever since then i've had these bizarro dreams, worse than the usual. i always have some crazy dream during that time after i wake up too early and go back to sleep for an hour or so. and the past two days these dreams have been disturbing to say the least.

wednesday i felt sick and i went to bed at like 9pm. i woke up at like 1230a and couldn't sleep b/c all i could think about were the characters on six feet and how they died and for some reason my mind was filling in the rest of their lives for me. there was this beautiful 10 minute closing segment where you flash forwarded through all of the main characters lives and you saw how they died and i guess it was just so touching that it fused some wires together in my mind. i wanted to cry for the loss of these people, but i couldn't because i know that they don't really exist.

so this morning i have a dream and it's set like six feet under, but it's starring my family. we're at a funeral that was a lot like Nate's - at a park, body wrapped in a shroud instead of a casket, big tree nearby - and they are dropping the body into the grave and it bumps it's head and the shroud uncovers the face of my grandpa. my grandpa died when i was in elementary school. i don't remember his death or his funeral or even the time of year that it happened. i don't remember that much about him being alive! so it was really strange seeing my grandpa being in my dream.

i'm wondering if six feet has that power over people. like it makes you realize that the people in your life now, at this moment, won't be there forever and you need to take advantage of that. my grandpa showing up in my dream was like a reminder that i don't want anyone else who's that important to me to pass without me having good solid memories of them. my other grandpa died before i was born so i only have seen like one picture of him.

this show has messed me up on more than one occassion, but it was so good. so well written and acted. i haven't had to deal with a lot of death in my life, and i guess the show put everything into prospective. if you haven't seen it, i think seasons 1-4 are out on dvd now...it just ended last weekend at season 5 so it wouldn't take that much to catch up. and the finale is like the best series finale i have ever seen in my life.

anyway, i'm hoping that since i took the time to write about this, maybe my bizarro dream time can go back to being about snow in the middle of summer and mike and i moving to dallas.

<3

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

i always have something to say

so i was reading this magazine at work tonight and i came across an article on interdependence. at first i was like blahblah sounds like something i should be doing, but seriously...who cares. and then i read on and it was talking about codependence and counterdependence and why interdependence is so much better and healthier for you.

i am definitely a codependent. i like putting other people's issues ahead of my own. i rather help others sort out their own lives rather than face the music myself. i like having people need me for things.

which brings me to my earlier piece about being in love with mike and wanting things to go back to how they were. maybe i don't necessarily love him, but i need verification that he needs me. and unfortunately the way he needs me are usually material things like my car or my willingness to pick up the check at lunch. he got fired from his job while we were together. that's like a big freakin deal that no one would want to go through alone. and i skipped 2 days of work after it happened just so he wouldn't be alone. how's that for codependence!?

i swear my issues alone would take up an entire episode of dr. phil. i guess that's why it's so much easier to focus on others. this time apart from mike has been incredibly hard on me because i've had no one to help and i'm forced to spend my afternoons daydreaming about fixing my own problems. i don't want to do that! i want someone to be my fixer like i am for them!

whether or not i can achieve some sort of interdependence is yet to be seen. i'm off tomorrow (or i guess for you guys it would be today since it's after 2am) and i plan on kickin it by the pool for most of the afternoon, so maybe i'll ponder this some more.

now i sound even crazier than i did earlier!

<3

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

deep thoughts....not from Jack Handy

i've been thinking a lot about what i want to say here and how i want to say it. i know there will be a lecture from someone about how this is a huge mistake and i'm only setting myself up for pain, but how else will i learn? besides, i get that lecture from the people at work, which is why i decided i'm not telling them anything.

i talked to mike again on sunday when we were supposed to have lunch, but he stayed out at some party saturday night and was going to some other guy's house from wresslin' so lunch didn't happen. he even said that i was probably cursing him in the back of my head for bailing, which was true. when i said "you know, i don't think i can be friends with someone who never has time for me," he responded that he knew i was going to say that sometime. and i almost cried when i said that so i did that little laugh thing i do when i try to hide the fact that my voice is breaking b/c i'm that upset. so he said to not give up on him and we had lunch yesterday instead.

lunch was good. he insisted on paying since he feels it's his fault we don't see each other anymore. we talked for the entire hour and a half about everything not related to our feelings for one another..hah. i laughed a lot and i felt so...complete?

i know he's not perfect, and there's no guarantee that he and i are ever going to get back together, but would it be so bad if we did? if we communicated more then we wouldn't have the same problems we had the first time around. (i sound like dr. phil..ha)

we are supposed to hook up again this week some time. this huge part of me wants to go to his apartment and get him to lay in the bed with me like we used to and just talk. those are some of my favorite memories of our relationship - when we were just laying there, talking, and he was messing with my hair and i was holdling his hand. i learned a lot during those times.

i love him. i know i said that before, but now that we've spent time apart, it just seems like it made me feel even stronger. maybe i'm just insane. either way, he needs to hear me out on this. and if he says 'no, we're not doing this again' then i have to go and probably cut him out completely. you can't be in love with someone and remain in their lives just as a friend. i'll be crushed when i find out he has another girlfriend (he's not even seeing anyone, i asked...ha).

i've never felt this way about anyone, ever. i'm not saying he's my soulmate, but he is someone that i want around for a long time. we just click in this effortless way, and i'm sure that if we would talk about how we feel (this is all based on the fact that he feels the same way) more often, then it would be more obvious.

am i crazy? am i making a huge mistake? i miss him, especially when i get off of work and he's not there. maybe that's what's causing this...but i seriously doubt it.

i just needed to empty that out of my head. i wish i had one of those pensives like in harry potter where i can draw out a memory and then step into it and relive the scene.

<3