end of summer vacation daay!

it's finally here! yayay!

just some quick housecleaning before i go away for a week:

finally got my test results back. negative. so i get to have a scope done in the coming weeks! yay! the doctor i have selected first does a consultation and then schedules the scope so then i'll know when it is. otherwise, i'm doomed to worry about what goes on until then. luckily they hooked me up with a whole lot of drugs to last me until the appointment. nothing like some good ol' drugs!

i had the date i've been looking forward to tonight. i think it just made me realize that i'm really not interested in dating anyone right now. i have so much *me* stuff i need to get sorted out and simmered down that it's hard to focus and open up to a stranger. and letting someone new into this wacky world of mine just seems out of the question right now. so yeah. he's cool and it's not like i don't like him...i just don't want to lead someone on when i'm not at that point right now. you know? man i hope he doesn't take this personally. probably not though. he seems pretty tough. i'm sure we'll hang out more. i'm just really nervous when i go out with people one-on-one these days. with larmon and ryan and matt and whoever else i've been going out with, i'm fine. probably b/c they all know i'm not interested in them and they aren't interested in me. but when there's like romantic potential, i freak out. and i don't think now is a good time for freaking out with my unknown diagnosis and all.

so yeah. i feel bad about it because i think he sorta likes me. but you know blahblah i've been in his position a zillion times and i'm sure it's not that big of a deal. i just care too much about others and i feel bad when i hurt their feelings.

so i guess that's all the major news from this front. i have most of my bags packed and i'm ready to go tomorrow. i'll be back after labor day. that is unless i manage to sneak myself into John Mayer's luggage. then you may not hear from me for a while (but watch for me on ET when we have our secret wedding) hehe.

<3

queen of overreaction


lordy. i am a drama queen sometimes. i had my ultrasound. it took like 15 mins and the girl who did it was very nice and entertaining. it was just weird i guess. maybe because i'm not pregnant, never have been pregnant and don't expect to be pregnant anytime soon. and that goo she put on there...it was hot and i thought it was going to be cold.

anyway...they don't tell you anything at the hospital so i have to wait for the doctors office (my PCP) to let me know the results. and i called this afternoon and the stupid girl said it would be 2-3 business days. i have to know what the results are before i go out of towwwwn! so i'm calling back weds morning to tell them to get on the ball.

and my other overreaction moment has to do with the person i thought was avoiding me. he's not avoiding me. misunderstanding blahblah. i just flat out asked what happened with saturday and he thought i never called so i guess he thought i stood him up. it's all good now. i have no idea when we're going to go out. i'd like to go ahead and get it over with though b/c i'm tired of worrying about it. i like this whole flirting period though. it's so innocent and fun and not stressful.

the only problem with this is that my mind wanders off into this dream fantasy land where only good things happen and bad things never happen. it produces this false persona that no one can live up to and when reality sets back in i get upset.

so yeah i thought i'd update that. and whenever i find out what's going on with my stomach i'll probably write about that too. and THENN! i'm OFFFFFFFF! to NCCCC!!!!!!! yay!!!

<3

avoidance, on many fronts


i'm being avoided. i know i am because the person that is avoiding me has been acting very strange. see, i was supposed to go out saturday night to this party with the person i was really excited about. well, i wait around until 7 for him to call and he doesn't. so i finally suck it up and call him to see what's going on. someone picks the reciever up and hangs up on me. i don't know who it was so i'm not going to totally accuse him, but he has been acting very weird since then so i guess it probably was him. why? like 24 hrs earlier he was just excited about it as i was. and now it's off i guess. he doesn't talk to me or send email or anything. i guess i'm a bit hurt just because i did get myself all worked up over this for nothing. but then on the other hand, why am i so surprised? someday i'll learn i guess.

i really don't want to go to the hospital tomorrow. i'm scared of hospitals. but i'm tired of being sick all the time, so i guess i want them to find out what's wrong with me. see there's two evils here. 1) if they find something wrong tomorrow, then i get my gallbladder taken out. which means surgery which means pain which means i have to stay here at my apt by myself and be sad and alone with no one to take care of me. yeah i'm sure my mom would make me go home with them but i swear i don't want to go to cabot. there is just too much arguing there. the other option is 2) they find nothing wrong tomorrow which means i get to have a scope when i get back from NC. having a long tube stuck down my throat to see my stomach does not sound any more fun than surgery. sure it's only a temporary discomfort, but it's still gross sounding. and i think the long term result of that would be that i'd have to take some sort of prescription the rest of my life.

i know i hate pity parties, but should something really be wrong with me, then i reserve the right to act like the biggest whiny baby ever.

a bunch of friends came over tonight (yay something happy!). they are so crazy and Matt is so loud. i laughed a lot and it got my mind off of other things so i'm glad they forced me to let them come over. we were supposed to go to Mike's apt but yeah i didn't feel like going anywhere and Ryan was asleep. so apparently they went to ryans and woke him up and then came to my house. anyway...ordered pizza and watched part of a movie and that's that.

i wish i felt better and wanted to go out more often. sorta. this is coming from the girl who never answers the phone when she knows it's someone wanting to go do something. and i rarely return messages left. i think if i knew the right people to go out with i'd do it more often, but there's just really nothing i want to do. and i'm flat broke so going out isn't really a wise decision. i just need to find someone that likes staying in as much as i do.

so i guess i avoid people as often as they avoid me. unfortunately, it's not the same people being avoided. i really want to know what happened with saturday though. it's not right!

<3