breaking down in so many ways

i swear i've opened this window three times intending to write and something's come up or i lose my train of thought and i just walk away. now maybe i can force myself into spitting something out.

so much has gone on since i last said something, which makes me feel bad because i know i'll never be able to recite it all. i guess i can try.

i had dinner with nathan & jarrett last week. it was refreshing. they are always so generous and kind and great to be around. they know how to make a girl feel good about things again. plus they tell the best stories. i'm still laughing about one in particular that i'm not allowed to repeat to anyone. just nice to know things about people, when you're not supposed to know things...and that's not supposed to make sense to you.

steve and i saw jimmy eat world, taking back sunday, and the format on wednesday at UCA. format was kinda boring...taking back was insane (and i've got the bruises to prove it) and jimmy was awesome. i'm glad i got to go. it was cool hanging out with steve, but i don't think it's something i could do on a regular basis. like mike says, "steve is just a kid and he'd be a lot more fun to be around if he'd stop acting like a boy all the time." i'm not saying i'm the most mature person, but i don't giggle at poop jokes anymore.

beale street was awesome this past weekend. we didn't get down to the park until like 6p on saturday because there just wasn't anything i was dying to see. i know we heard tesla sing 'signs' while we were in line for a hurricane and i remember seeing collective soul and crossfade before the killers. the killers were fantastic. brandon flowers has a great live singing voice. sunday we got there a bit earlier (4p) and caught most of chevelle (i got bored), all of War and Billy Idol and then we headed over for The Roots. everyone there sunday night was going to see the black crowes and sarah mclachlan because there weren't very many people at the roots. and they were the BEST! it was so sweet. they know like every song and would hop back from rap to hip hop to old rock songs and back. time flew by so fast while they were peforming and i totally forgot how tired my legs were from standing. if you ever get a chance to see them, go! you'll love it no matter what kind of music you're into.

friday i had a minor breakdown over finances. i just got my mom to make my car payment like the day before, and then i get my paycheck friday and it's like less than i ever imagined. enough to pay the rent and that's it. so considering i have more things due at the beginning of the month than rent, i freaked out and even started crying while i was at mike's house before lunch. i'm still pretty freaked out over what i'm going to do. i am so afraid that my parents think i'm doing nothing in regards to finding a new (or another) job and they're just going to say "no" when i ask for help and then i'll go to jail for hot checks or get evicted or something. i don't want to be one of those people who have the electric company breathing down their necks and shutting off the power every other week. but i just don't know what else to do. i talked to my mom today and i didn't really want to get into the whole money thing, but it came up anyway and she says she'll help out, but i just feel so guilty about asking. if i knew of any other way, i would so be on top of it. i'm tired of working these shitty hours and days and still not make enough money to survive. i'm scared that the minor breakdown friday was just a precursor to a major one that is just around the corner.

i was all set to break up with mike sunday night on the way home from memphis, but i fell asleep. the whole weekend he just acted like he wasn't into me which sort of upset me. and then when we were sleeping together we had this huge bed and he wouldn't even cuddle up with me. so yeah, i was mad when i woke up sunday morning. today we didn't talk much before work or after work because i honestly don't feel like talking about anything. he said after work tonight that they were going to go check out a car at car-mart tomorrow morning, so maybe he'll get it and then i can just fade away instead of offically breaking up. sounds easier and less painful to me (and completely gutless). even though i think the opposite most of the time, deep down i know i don't need him. it's just hard to change once you've established a pretty basic routine. and there's that whole love thing. i go back and forth on how i feel...and i guess i still don't know because part of me thinks that if i didn't love him then this wouldn't be so hard, but then the other part thinks that i wouldn't have any doubts about anything if i did love him. so whatever. we need some time apart. how's that? and if time apart works and we come back together, then there's something there. if not, well, it's been an interesting year.

a whole year since we started dating. that really trips me out. i have enough trouble keeping the same platonic friends for a year, much less a relationship. i can't afford to waste another year on someone who doesn't really want to be with me. i've wasted so much of my life already chasing the wrong guy. maybe that's supposed to be the story of my life though? i hope not, but you never know what's in the master plan.

i just feel so empty and lost right now. that's probably why it's taking so long to write a post. probably why i freak out over little things. i'm at the proverbial crossroads, it's just that there's a huge fence blocking both roads and i can't figure out which path to take, much less how to get around the fence. i thought i'd already passed this point, but apparently the path i chose then was just a big, fat circle and it's led me back to where i started.

i need a lot of things right now - money, support, hugs, laughs, a certain person to acknowlege and reciprocate my endless caring and affection, a new job, more money, friends, family, to lose 10 more pounds, new clothes (!!), sunny weather, pollen free days, sno cones, a day at a spa, a good massage, cash....ok, i could go on and on. i really need to go to sleep though.

if you read all of the above post, thanks. it's people like you (esp. those that leave a comment) that help me stay positive through these rough times. i appreciate you like you wouldn't believe.

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