what's the point?

i have a feeling that the above question will be the theme to a lot of things that will happen this week. i am becoming increasingly frustrated with a number of issues and i'm just waiting to snap at the right moment.

my job is driving me crazy. not so much the work really (it's pretty boring, but it doesn't take much brain power to complete), but the people i'm ready to murder. i have to sit shoulder to shoulder with this one guy from tuesday-friday and he's loud and ignorant and obnoxious and it makes me crazy. actually, i just get really mad and stop talking to everyone and stare at my tv screen. what's the point of me continuing to work there? all i can see is the paycheck that comes every other week. i hate the fact that i used to love my job, like two months ago. and now i'm miserable. i'm half-ass looking for another job, but not really. i'm probably going to look up some stuff when i go to north carolina in a couple of weeks. i could live in raleigh and be happy i think.

i'm becoming more lazy as the days go by too. my first week on this schedule i was out of bed by 8 and doing my workout and just ready to use my day to it's full extent. now i get up at 10, sometimes 11, lounge around in my pajamas for a while, sometimes go to mikes, and i get absolutely nothing done. what's the point? i have no desire to get anything done before work and then i stay up half the night b/c i slept so late. i haven't even been putting my ebay auctions up because i piss away my weekends hanging out with people instead of doing important things. that's what the weekday is for! and then i'm too lazy for that. it's really sad. i'm disappointed in myself.

and what's the fricken point of me being with mike? i always save the stuff that bothers me most for the last. ok here's how it's been since he's been back: weds - had lunch, ran some of his errands, made resumes & hung out until i had to go to work. thurs - picked him up from work, drive thru lunch for me, turned his resume into clear channel, go to work. fri - picked him up from work, drove to SW so he could take his drivers test, find out he can't get his license moved b/c the texas license is suspended, wasted my whole afternoon, got to work an hour late. sat - took him to work, he met up with some of my friends and me for dinner and a movie, took him back across town to his place, came back to my house. sun - picked him up, went to kroger, came back to my house, cooked a halfway decent meal, watched tv, took him home. my friend says that we act like we're married and after last night i totally believe it. we don't even have sex anymore. it's like what's the point! argh!

why can't i talk to him about how i feel about things? i never even tell him what i want because i guess it seems irrelevant and i give him whatever he wants. i'm too freaking nice! this guy has been shit on his entire life (or so it seems) and for some reason i've decided that i should intervene and make everything all better for him. it's not going to happen, and for some reason i can't get that to sink in. i am so frustrated because i can't tell him no, but then i can't tell him anything else either. like last night we were just sitting there watching tv and of course i'm thinking of a million things i want to ask (namely, "what is this?" meaning our relationship), but nothing will come out. so we just sit there and continue to watch tv. and at some point i asked if he's happy just sitting there and he said something about it being nice that we can hang out like that and not get on each other's nerves. is that a compliment? i don't even know! i'm always really quiet and short with him when i drop him off at his house. i'm waiting for the day (i guess) where he just goes what is up with my attitude. and that's when i'll probably snap.

i'm a doormat.

i don't call him ever. he always calls me. everyday. when he gets up. he asks what i'm doing and what my plans are for the day and if i can't come up with something good, he tells me to come over there. and if i really don't have anything going on, i do that just b/c sometimes i want to hang out with someone. and so when i go over there, i just crash on the bed (he has a studio apt with like zero furniture besides the bed) and he sits in his camping chair and he smokes and i watch tv and we just chill. and that's really lame considering we are not in a relationship.

i just want to feel appreciated for everything i do for him i guess. sure, he thanks me all the time for stuff, but it would be nice if he reciprocated every once in a while. and that doesn't mean sex! fuck. sex isn't really all that i don't think. i'm happier just making out with someone for a while. we don't even freakin do that anymore! so what's the point?

see. these things need to be sorted out before i go on vacation. b/c if i don't, then the whole time i'm gone i'm going to be thinking about it and worrying about it and how on earth am i going to enjoy a vacation if i'm preoccupied? i'm not.

and since it's 11:30 now and i haven't even had a shower, i'm going to shut up and get moving.

<3