Thursday, May 04, 2006

jason and i talked for an hour last night basically about how it's never going to work out. i think we're going to have a great, long-lasting friendship, and i rather have that instead of nothing at all.

there's just a lot of issues with both of us, moreso him than me (hehe), that would prevent us from ever having that storybook relationship. i do care a lot about him, and if he does ever find his dream woman, i'll be happy for him. that's what friends do for one another, support through thick and thin. and he assured me yesterday that he would always do the same for me.

i get so annoyed with people calling each other 'bro' and 'sis' all the time, but i think jason's going to turn out to be that older, wiser sibling i never had. i'm not going to call him bro, but i am going to stick by him as if he was my own blood.

i know i should be upset, but i'm not. i did, however, have this fucked up dream last night in which i was crying and i was upset and i was angry. i'm wondering this morning if that's what i feel, and i just can't express it on the outside. maybe i was crying in my sleep? i don't know. it was just really weird and i woke up this morning feeling so emotionally drained. i can't cry about this though. i have tried! the tears just don't flow.

i'm only 26. that's way too young to be numb emotionally. i don't feel anything though. ok, i do feel things, but nothing negative. i see this is another beginning. a(nother) lesson learned.

it's time to start over and head down a different path.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

you know how you talk with someone over a period of time (whether it be weeks, months, years) and the two of you make these elaborate plans that most of the time never see the light of day, until one day when you decide that you're going to do it. forget waiting for the other person to step up, the time is now.

how do you feel about leaving that person behind? isn't it scary to go out on your own?

i'm asking these questions for no reason in particular. it's not exactly what i'm thinking about, only because i can't figure out how to put into words my exact thoughts.




jason wanted to make a wager on the game last night. he took the grizzlies +5 points, and i had the mavericks. if he won, i had to collect some shells and sand from the beach and write him a poem. he didn't win though and i did.

i couldn't figure out what he should do if i won. i mean, i know what i want - for him to really think about this whole not dating me, but being best friends with me thing - but i don't think that's a good wager, even though i knew i was going to win.

i can't fix this. i'm slowly accepting that fact. i can't control how he feels about me today, nor how he will feel about me in the future. i won't say that this will never happen, because to me there's always a 5% chance. and if we remain friends, maybe he'll turn around (just as i'm about to walk down the aisle with another man...like in My Best Friends Wedding...).

today, it doesn't bother me as much as it did two days ago. or last week when i was just so empty inside. i think when i'm sitting on the beach next week with the waves crashing and the seagulls squawking, i'll have some time to really clear my mind and find that inner peace. it's all about meditation to me right now.

so what did i win? he's bringing over krystal burgers (with cheese and extra pickles) and some beer and we're going to watch the mavs win the next round too. and honestly, i have no other intentions but to watch a game with a great friend who also enjoys basketball and eat my favorite burgers in the world :)

and because i'm a nice person, i'll probably still look for some shells and get some sand for him. i'm already sending postcards to a few people, his will just have a poem about the waves instead of the usual "it's so beautiful wish you were here" that everyone else's will say...