in memory of my other mom

i haven't said anything or responded to any comments this week because one of my good friends died tuesday afternoon. beth hired me to work for the Office of Law Enforcement Standards a few years ago and she was a friend ever since. i've mentioned her a few times on here and asked for you to include her in your prayers. she had lung cancer first, and beat it, but it came roaring back as brain cancer that would not react to any kind of treatment.

beth took care of me as if i was her own daughter. she was overly generous and one of the most caring people you'd ever meet. she did everything in her power (and sometimes beyond her power) to make sure you were happy. she's the one that let me go home from work to take a nap before i went to my other job, and i still got paid for the time i was gone. she was always willing to listen to you, no matter what she was doing or what you were talking about. she had a thick country accent and wore colorful denim jeans (any color but blue it seemed like) and had big southern belle hair that made me laugh, and she'd laugh too if you pointed it out to her. i remember when she first got her wigs (b/c of the chemo stealing her hair) we went around telling everyone she just got it chemically straightened like i was doing at the time. the whole time she was sick, she didn't want you to worry about her. she never asked for any help and for a while she didn't even want people to know she had cancer because she didn't want the extra attention. and even while she was going through this, she was still offering to help me out in any way that i needed. she would not sit and watch for anything. we rearranged the office one week and she insisted that she help and i practically had to force her to sit down and let me do it.

beth was a strong woman. very opinionated, hard working, great sense of humor. even the last time i talked to her she was saying we needed to go back to the office (even though i haven't worked there in a year and she'd been gone at least 6 months) and move some stuff around. she was crazy like that.

she smoked cigarettes, and i do blame them for taking her life. i hope if you smoke you seriously consider what you are doing to yourself and how your death will affect the people you love (and who love you). beth was only 50.

i miss having lunch with her and lindsey and talking about girl things like boys and school and stuff. beth was always trying to act as young and lindsey and i actually were. it was fun, like hanging out with girlfriends that i just happened to work with. we knew all of each others business and it was nice to have some informed advice. she'd call me at 7:30am to make sure we agreed on what we were going to work on that morning. prioritize and organize was her slogan. i spent a lot of time trying to organize her....and i still don't think it ever worked.

we did have our fights like any mother/daughter relationship, but things always worked out in the end. i know i was really frustrated with her sometimes, but i get mad at everyone eventually.

i'm sad that she's gone, but i'm also glad that she's finished feeling miserable. i saw her through her 2 years of fighting cancer and i'm choosing to remember her during her stronger, healthier times than the end when she was fragile and weak.

prioritize and organize! i love yah evil stepmother! i'll see you again.

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sleeping? good?

i just got home from working 12 hours and for some reason i can't just fall into bed and go to sleep. i'm tired! i guess not sleepy? if this gets to be a jumbled mess, blame it on that, ok? hehe

i dunno what i even want to say today. thanks to the people who left comments (looooong comments even) last week! it's cool to see how people respond to what you say and sometimes it's nice because some of you have been around a while and know way too much about things, but are able to give an informed opinion because of that. so yeah. gracias.

ross, i'm tired of these leaving comments on each others blogs. i haven't seen you since the greatest day ever, aka john mayer in memphis where he like had his arm around me and his chin on my head and i was about to like totally die right then and there! someone has to cave and drive over for lunch! call me or something and let me know how you are :)

everything is okay. no new revelations about anything. i learned last week that it is practically impossible to trade my car in and get another car at a considerably less payment. i was offered brand new neons and brand new sentras, but the payments were all the same as what i pay now, for the car i absolutely love with all my heart. so yeah, it makes no sense to give up what i have for a cheaper, smaller, slower car. since i tried so hard, my dad said it would be okay and he'd just help me out with my bills like he has been all along.

i applied for a job at the arkansas crime information center. we used to work with them a lot when i worked for law enforcement standards, so maybe that will help me get it. working 80 hours a week again totally does not sound like fun, but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do to pay the bills if yah know what i mean. still too chunky to make any money being a hooker, but maybe in the next few months? another job is definitely in the future though.

i'm getting really tired of working in TV. i do way more work now than i did at equity, and since i have to pay for part of my insurance, my check is about the same as it was, which sucks b/c i was all excited that i got a raise and everything. it's just so much bullshit in tv and no one makes enough money to live except anchors, management and really good sales people. that's kind of shitty that the thing most people do for entertainment is run by people who can barely afford to own a tv. why on earth did i waste my time getting a degree in this mess? oh that's right. i just wanted an easy degree that didn't involve homework! i think i'm tired of tv because i haven't had a friday or saturday night off since thanksgiving weekend.

mike and i had one of those weird conversations where he pours his heart out about something and i just sit there and smile and nod and try to figure out what to say. he had a really bad day thursday and he hasn't had one of those since he started working full time at the gym so we spent like two hours discussing his anger management skills. hah. the best part is that he's talking about moving to texas again. he says that his goal for this year is to start acting like an adult and a father to his son. if he moves back to texas, he'd probably get to see his son more often. i'm all for it. he doesn't want to live where his parents live, or where his brothers live...he's saying Austin. and i told him that if he decides to go there, i want to go with him. and i thought he'd be like 'absolutely no way' but he was cool with it. it's not like we'd move next month or anything, but it's something to consider. i've always said i wanted to move, but i'm too scared to do it by myself (props to carrie who did move across the country by herself....and is surviving!). so yeah, this might be that opportunity that i'm looking for. i dunno. could we live together without killing each other? i'll let you know if that comes up again.

my parents are going to new york city on wednesday. i'm really jealous because i was going to go with them until i got the job (that i'm starting to hate) at the evil empire. i'm keeping their car while they're gone, and while i've got their car, i'm going to get the hole in mine fixed. that will be nice :)

the guy next door finally stopped playing his music where i could hear the bass line through the wall, so maybe that's my cue that it's time for me to go to sleep. he's a cool guy, it's just that he rather listen to cds instead of watch tv and i can usually name the songs he's listening to just from figuring out the bass. either i'm really that geeky, or he's that annoying. at least he's finally getting some variety. if i heard juvenille's slow motion one more time i was going to have to bang on his door. rar!

alright...eyes are getting heavy. goodnight

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