big weekend

i can't figure out if i'm a fan of a holiday weekend or not. i mean i want to be super excited and have these great plans, but i don't. i might end up going to springfield, missouri, to pick up some furniture for my living room (i have a cousin moving to cambodia in about a week...don't ask..). if i go, i'll be getting a futon and some tables for my living room.

if i stay around here this weekend, there's Riverfest going on downtown. i really want to go b/c anybody who's anybody shows up there. and i guess i could go fight the crowd and see Everclear play. but i have the problem with finding someone to go. and yeah, i've been really courageous and going places by myself lately, but that is not a place i want to go. and i'm thinking of the people who are in town this weekend and i'm remembering fights that broke out at past Riverfests b/c everyone is never happy. that wasn't cool. this is like the first year i haven't had to work though! i worked a few years when i was with the radio station and last year i volunteered with the Stamp Out Smoking people.

i might just go to Pinnacle mtn. and lay out and get some sun. i have this great sleeveless shirt to wear, but i have a funky farmer tan right now so i've got to get that evened out before i wear that.

i got invited to a surprise birthday party saturday night for one of my friends. the deal is, my friend who's birthday it is is going to be the only person i know there. nothing against my friend, but i doubt i'll be going. it's at this mexican restaurant i don't really like anyway. i'll send a card or something.

oh did i mention i'm going to Washington DC? hahahahaha! that's like two weeks from today. i'm excited. way more excited about that than i am about this weekend. and i get to take my car! yay! i hope they don't have a major terrorist attack and therefore shut down the city. i'm thinking about driving down to nikki's house too before i go home.

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ok i wrote all of that like 2 hours ago and forgot to publish. i bought some riverfest tickets in that time. i'm going hell or high water i guess.

rock on gold dust woman.

old lady

i was standing in front of the mirror a minute ago (and no i don't do this often) and for some reason i was thinking i was younger than i actually am. and then it donned on me that i'm twenty-three. that's TWO THREE. 23!

now i know you're scratching your head wondering why on earth would this girl be freaking out b/c she's 23. that's young, right? sure it's young when you're thinking in terms of retirement. but i'm thinking in terms of youth. i'm old! i'm boring! i like staying in and doing nothing! and i'm still mad at myself for not accomplishing a number of things that i decided i would accomplish before i was 20 (and then 21, and then 22 and now 23). i'm almost halfway through 23 even! and nothing! i'm still in debt. i'm still depending on my parents for money every now and then. i'm still without a single serious relationship that lasts longer than a summer. i'm still working a dead-end job. i'm still fat and my hair is still frizzy!

i'm so afraid i'm going to grow into being one of those cat ladies. although i hate cats. so i need some other pet to take the place of cat and then i'll be whatever that pet is lady.

i'm tired of falling in love with the wrong people! but the wrong people always seem so right. and it's not my fault these relationships don't work out/turn into something else. it's the other people. i'd be the best girlfriend you ever had! i care! i'm considerate! i cook! i clean! i can be a slut! ;)

whatever. i just don't want to grow old alone. or have to hang out with my married friends and still be the single girl. I don't want to be Bridget Jones!

bah! i hate when i'm in these "woe is me i'm so old" moods.

i want a cookie.

employment

i don't want to find a new job. i hate that initial phase you have to go through with every new job. the part where you have to make friends within your new office and you're usually stuck eating lunch by yourself for a while.

i like how i know everything there is to know about my job. i like how i can joke around with my boss when he makes a mistake. i like how i'm guarenteed to have a lunch buddy everyday. i like how i don't have to reiterate all my life stories b/c everyone there knows everything about everyone in my life. what other job is going to let me off on vacation for 7 days and not charge me any leave time?

so i'm stuck in a dilemma. can i afford to keep doing what i'm doing? most likely not considering it takes two paychecks to just pay the rent. i guess i should find some stupid part time job, but as of right now, no one will call me back! grar!

so i don't know. i've just been thinking about it lately.

i think these are hormones talking, but i love you.

pictures

do you ever see a picture of yourself and think "that's what i look like to other people? that's not what i see when i look in the mirror in the morning!!"

i had that thought friday. larmon took a picture of me talking on the phone and when i saw it and i didn't seeeee anything but my fat! my wrist is that chunky? my face is that fat? when did i start looking like that? i know i didn't look like that when i left the house that night! i have little hands but in that picture they look like man hands! and my hair! what is up with that? and i washed my face before we went out but it looks like i have hooker eye makeup on! i was (and still am) embarrassed that i chose to go out that night looking like that. and not by myself even...i was with someone! it's no wonder i can't get a boyfriend! ;)

you can see the fear of tornados in my face though. i know i was talking to my mom at that moment and she had called to see what i was doing since there were apparently tornados in the area. i hate tornados. i hate thunder and lightning! rain alone is ok..anything else is bad.



<3

questions

do you think of me? like you're driving down the road and you see something and you think "laurie"? or maybe something on tv reminds you of me. just random thoughts...are they ever about me?

do you dream about me? i have these dreams where you and i like go on these adventures. like a silly cartoon or something. i usually wake up with a smile because we have fun in my dreams like we do in reality.

do you think anything will ever happen with us? like we'll be friends for 10 years or whatever and then just decide that we've put up with each other for so long, might as well make it official? should we be making one of those pacts where if we're not married by the time i'm 35, we should get married?

do you ever want to stay when the night is over? but, i don't know, b/c i don't offer to let you stay longer or something, you just leave? honestly, i don't like it when you leave.

if i was skinny, would that change anything? i don't think it would because i'm naive like that. but i've heard otherwise.

if you feel like these questions are directed at you, then explain some things and give me answers. i go back and forth on this issue like every few weeks and as soon as i think i'm past it, something happens and i go back to the beginning.

even if we had one of those relationships like Dawson and Joey, i think i'd be happy. they spent a lot of time talking and spending time together, even though they weren't officially "together." we pretty much already have that, they just spent the night together many times because one of them was too tired to go home. it sounds weird, but i feel best when you are around.

and i'm crazy. absolutely nuts. i refuse to discuss this with you because of all the rejection in the past. it's not worth it anymore. so, i figure if i just hang around forever more then eventually the tide will change. it's strange that i manage to do that because i have absolutely no patience. but on the other hand, i'm writing this. i guess that shows how thin my patience has grown. if i just say forget it though, what will i be left with? that's what i'm trying to figure out now.

<3