what a completely wasted day.

i haven't done jack today. well i woke up at like 6:30 and did some laundry...then came back and went to sleep. got up at noon....went to sleep...got up at 5:30...and that's where i'm at now. i've taken a bath and read a magazine. that's it.

something's bothering me and i can't quite put my finger on it. i think it might be from the weather. i just don't feel right. something's missing.

i'm really lonely today. i wouldn't mind having someone around just to talk to. i'll be over it tomorrow probably since i'm going to grandmas. just not the same though.

happy easter!

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so call me captain backfire

i'm in one of my more somber moods. it might be because it's midnight and i've been awake since 5:30a. or i watched two weeks worth of dawson's creek earlier. or it's the end of the month.

whatever it is, i wish i could figure out the way to stop feeling like this.

like what, you ask?

like how i somehow manage to position myself to be the dirt that everyone walks upon. well not everyone, but certain people could say/do/think anything, and i would probably respond with open arms. because i am nice. niceness doesn't pay anything. there are no rewards for being nice. it's just something that you feel as if you should do, so maybe the good Lord above will shine down on you when your time comes.

i guess i just want to be more appreciated for the time and effort i put forth in what i do. whether that's being a friend, or a good employee, or just that girl that seems to observe everything so therefore she must have learned something. somedays i feel like i give and give and i'm not the type of person to ask for something in return, i just expect the other person to give back. some people i don't think ever give back. they are takers. take what you need and run to the next person to take more.

is anything making sense? i'm sleepy and semi-bummed, so that's my excuse.

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what the world needs now...is love, sweet love

have you ever been in love? not to sound like a celine dion song or anything.

and i don't ask this because i'm like in love with that guy i've been talking about liking recently. it would be insane for me to think that now, considering we haven't even gone out on a 'date' before.

i was just wondering. leave a note and tell me what it's like. then i'll compare and figure out if i've ever been in love.

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hyper hyper hyper

i so badly want to goooooooooo somewhere tonight. but no one wants to go anywhere!! it's making me crazy!!

although it's not like i have nothing to do around here. the OCD girl hasn't even vacuumed in 2 weeks. and i have singin in the rain to watch and 2 weeks worth of dawson's creek.

i just got new shoes and i want to go wear them somewhere!! hehe

it's really hot outside so maybe when the sun goes down. i want to dye easter eggs! but i have no eggs and no vinegar and no dye. WAHHhhhhhhhhhhhhh i wish i was still in school so maybe i'd have one cool friend that liked going out a lot. although that probably wouldn't happen b/c i didn't meet many people in school i wanted to hang out with afterwards. i'm sorry but my life doesn't revolve around alcohol and sex. i really am this boring in person.

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dreams again!

so two nights in a row now i've had weird dreams. here's what happened last night/this morning:

my friend (same person who was there wednesday night) and i were in this huge gym. and there were a lot of people around us. all of a sudden over the loudspeaker you hear "positions! positions!" and everyone (including my friend and i) run to our spots. well the music starts then...and it's Michael Jackson's Thriller. and we dance! like in the video! where the zombies are all dancing in the street! and it's so weird b/c everyones stomping their feet and clapping at the same time. so the song cuts off and whoever is on the PA says "ok you got it..now let's bring out the younger kids and everyone will dance." and well it was like in west side story when the two gangs meet each other in the street and one side dances and then the other side dances.

what is up with this weirdness?!?! the Thriller video gave me nightmares when i was a kid. i have no idea where it came from last night.

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dreams
not like lifelong goal dreams, but the ones you have overnight.

see i have this weird thing where when i *like* a guy, i won't dream about him unless or until the crush has passed. well there was one exception to that rule, but that's because that person took over like every thought that came to mind--morning, noon and night.

so my dream last night was really strange because it involved an old love and he was showing me all these things from his life that i never got to find out when i did like him. he was real comforting and nurturing. he tried to introduce me to his parents, but neither of them were where they were supposed to be (i guess b/c i've never seen them so therefore, i couldn't picture them). i got to see this whole other side of him, that i guess i made up in my head since obviously he never showed it when we hung out. and we were in Dillards and he was like "let's go see my dad!" and we started going down this hallway that got smaller and smaller and you ended up crawling through this hole and all of a sudden you were in his dad's "office," which looked a lot like my dad's office for some reason. hehe

i think that dream happened because i'm working really hard at closing a lot of chapters in my life. i kinda sorta like this other guy (i say kinda sorta b/c if i say i do and then something goes really wrong, i'll be depressed about it and this way i'm protecting myself) and that leaves no room for anyone else. in like 3 weeks, i'll let you know if this whole closing crap actually works out.

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new feature!!

i added a comment section this morning. i know no one reads my blog, but it's there to entertain me. i might just leave myself comments!

so if you want, you can curse at me or congratulate me or whatever. i want to know what you think!

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boys, boys, boys

if it's not one thing, it's another, right?

so i kinda sorta like this guy friend of mine. and a mutual friend we share asks today why we don't hook up. and the only answer i can come up with is that we aren't in the same place. like he's in school and i'm trying to figure out my career.

and i really don't think he'd go for me. he's into like hot young girls and i'm an old fat lady. yeah sure we talk everyday and share the same opinions on things and like the same stuff, but in the end, what is all of that? absolutely nothing. that was proven to me earlier in my life. i have things in common with everyone it seems like, but i don't have a boyfriend.

this mutual friend of ours is probably going to do something to set us up. he's like that. i guess i'll just sit and wait.

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frustrated

i'm really sleepy but it's too early to go to bed b/c i'll wake up at like 3am and what will i do then?

i went to put my deposit down on my new apartment and i found out that someone claimed it yesterday! damn those sick people at work. so instead...i think i got a better apartment. it's like more isolated and it has it's own parking lot and stuff. and it has this neat window thing that pops out and you can put plants or something in it. and my balcony looks into other people's windows, but not mine b/c i'm up higher. hahahahahah! ;)

what frustrates me though is that i can't move in until the 6th. that's the last day i can move out of here. and it's a tuesday! so i have no idea how on earth i am going to get my stuff out of here and in there on a weekday. got any suggestions? i'm thinking about taking monday off and packing and filling a u-haul or something.....and then tues driving it over and unpacking it. i don't know. it's insane to think this is going to go down smoothly.

it was nice to leave work early. i feel like i got a lot accomplished. not much at work really, but in my personal life--yes! i had a meeting today with the boss about internet access. maybeeeeeee we're going to get hooked up! finally! he wants dialup so like no one can get on, but i'm trying so hard to discourage that. it sure would be nice to get out of the stone ages though.

one of the hick ladies (actually the most annoying hick lady) was looking for a file and swore up and down she had no clue where it was. she snooped through everyone's stuff and while she was at lunch one of the guys found it on her bookshelf. i thought it was hilarious, but apparently she thinks that the guy and i planted it there so she'd look stupid and get in trouble. like i have that much spare time.

i think lindsey (the girl at work who is super country, but she's like my naive little sister) is about to quit. that will suck if she does. i know i'm looking pretty hard for another job, but i want her to quit after i leave! that's selfish of me. my apologies.

i really want to do something interesting this weekend. see a movie. go to a bar. make out at the park. hang out at barnes. anything. i just don't think anyone has time to hang out since it's easter and all. bah! :( find me some friends!

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morning blah

you ever just wake up and think 'man, i don't want to wake up today. i wonder what would happen if i called in sick?' i'm having one of those mornings.

i just have no desire to go to work today. i feel like i haven't slept in a week. i've got a lot of errands i need to run! so i am planning on leaving at noon. i wanted to leave at noon yesterday but 2 people were out sick (which would make it REALLY easy to call in sick today) and one left early to visit some lawyer. if just one more person would come in today that would allow me to leave.

what on earth could be more important than work? applying for another job! changing the oil in my car! turning in a deposit for the apartment i want! depositing a refund check in the bank! sleeping!

i need to take some time to tell you about all the country people i work with. if i could record their voices, that would be awesome. you would just fall out of your chair b/c you were laughing so hard. they say words like "dun" and "warsh." mind you i was born and raised in arkansas too, but i guess an internal paranoia prevents me from talking like a hick. i sound southern sometimes, but i talk fast and clip my words off which is the opposite of most people around here.

anyway, i could go on and on about those people. i might just do that one of these days. i gotta tell you about their clothes and how cheap this one guy is and how they all live in trailers. one day i will!

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what happened to spring?

dude (i need to stop saying that).....it was 90 degrees today. i know arkansas weather is the absolute pits, but i had a whopping TWO days of beautiful spring weather. now it's summer and i hate it. i sat outside today at my grandmas house and i just feel all dirty now from the flying pollen and the heat. one day i'm finding a place to live that has a better climate.

i didn't go on my play date today (obviously if i was at my grandmas). and i thought about going when i got home but now that i'm here in the nice air conditioning, i have no desire to go anywhere else.

i'm going to move on may 1st. i'll probably just live in two places for a few days. my dad is gone to alabama to some conference until the 3rd, so that monday i'll probably take the day off and move the heavy stuff then. may 1st cannot get here soon enough though. i'm so ready to move.

anyone want to go see matchbox 20 with me on the 26th? it's all free! i just don't want to go by myself :( i will if i have to though b/c i'm not letting those tickets go to waste.

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