i'm really feelin those lighters man

remember when fred durst said that in that annoying staind song? when i was coming home from DC, we were listening to a station in nashville and the guys were making fun of that line. still cracks me up even though that song is what, 3 years old now?

i haven't written in a while. i was sick there for a couple of days (haven't technically been to work since wednesday...i went in today just so i wouldn't have a billion things to do monday). i really don't have any exciting stories to tell because of that. lots of sleeping and watching tv and just doing nothing. it was a nice break though! i think that's what i needed more than anything.

last night my friends matt and ryan and i tried to go see Bad Boys II but it was either sold out or already finished showing for the night. that was pretty crappy because i was looking forward to seeing a movie. we ended up at Ryan's b/c he has some new Star Wars video game that Matt really wanted to check out. i have no interest in that sort of thing so i just sat there watching. it wasn't that i was having a bad time, i was really glad to get out of the house and see different people.

i like going to other people's apartments. just to see what they look like. my apt is bigger than ryans...better neighborhood...newer. his was like a total guy apartment too. beer bottles and porn on the tables. tons of dvds and video games. he's got the tables from Target that i've been wanting forever. so i hate him for that.

i haven't talked to anyone else really. no larmons. no jarretts. no one! and you know, it's actually been nice and quiet. very relaxing. back in the day i would probably whine about how i haven't heard from anyone. these days, i honestly don't care.

i think i'm ready to become this new "grown-up" laurie. the laurie that's not concerned with who her friends are, or what she's doing on the weekend. the new laurie that is confident and independent and not dreaming of some unattainable guy all the time. i'm still thinking about moving. i think it would be good for me. new places and new people and new opportunities. it'll have to wait until my lease is up in january though.

i guess that's it for now. there's nothing in the news that's pissing me off enough to write. tomorrow i'm going to the parents for steaks and to ask for money. it's my monthly trek. i'm so sick of being poor!

<3

an open letter to you

you know, i thought you were cool. you're highly intelligent. you have goals. you're funny. i had a good time when we hung out.

but now, i see who you really are. a pompous asshole...like most males in this world. you were only being nice to me because i had a concert ticket you could have for free. and now that the concert is over with, we don't speak to one another. that's cheap.

i'm sorry i'm not one of the stupid sluts you typically go for. and honestly, i would have been happy just being friends. but now? no.

your actions are reflective of a girl. only a girl would use a person for their stuff and then when the stuff has been used, they move on.

i may be lonely every once in a while, but i'm not desperate. and i'm not dependent on other people all the time. i can manage living alone, without a boyfriend. unfortunately, i can't say the same for you. ever since you and whatserface broke up, you've been jumping around from girl to girl because you can't handle the time you have to spend with yourself. if being the opposite of that makes me anti-social, then i think i rather be anti-social. at least i'm not freaking out b/c i may have whatever STD of the week.

and i know your witty comeback will be something along the lines of "well why didn't you say this to my face?" because 1) i don't want to waste my time like that. 2) more people should see how you treat people. 3) this way you cannot interrupt with some comment that automatically makes you right. i hate people who always have to be right. there are times when you can be wrong you know.

so with this, i wash my hands of you.

<3

big fat blaaahhhhh

well if you haven't figured me out yet, i'm totally pmsing. read like the last 3 posts or so and you'll see a complete mood swing digitally. can i sell my uterus on the black market? maybe make enough to pay off my credit cards?

i'm still not happy. and i feel like i could throw up any second now. i don't want to go to work. but i can't think of anything to do here, so i might as well go.

ok so most people have like a morning routine, right? and you can pretty much go through the motions without blinking an eye (or waking up for that matter). do you ever skip a step? like your mind is on something else, or maybe you're still asleep and you get to a point where you think you're finished and then you're like "oh damn! i forgot to brush my teeth!" that's where i'm at today.

i wish i could rewind this glorious life of mine and start over somewhere around college. i'd still drop out of ASU, that place is crap. i wouldn't spend my UALR days being someone's puppy. i would have moved out of arkansas by now. i think i'd still be in school too. working on some graduate thing.

push the button! don't push the button! trip the station! change the channel!

too freakin mad to sleep...again

i don't know what is going on. i'm just angry i guess. and i'm not angry at anyone but myself. it's my fault i blow things out of proportion. it's my fault i am who i am. it is not, however, my fault that i am no man's perfect match. that's their problem, and loss. (i mean, who wouldn't want to be with a bitchy, moody, needy liberal like me?)

i get excited about things to come, even when there is no evidence that those things will happen. and then when (shockingly) reality sets in, i get upset. mad. angry. jealous. whatever. i just have to figure out how to either not have standards or stop setting aspirations for myself. and never, ever think that becoming friends with some guy is sure to get you on his "to date" list in the future. that's shit. i can go on for days about my guy friends. and most of them i wanted to be friends with because i liked them in some non-platonic way.

i wish i was dead. like i'm driving down the road and there's a curve and i don't want to turn the steering wheel. like i'm cutting bread for a sandwich and i imagine that beautiful IKEA knife stabbing my stomach. cutting all the fat off because that's obviously what makes a difference in this world. like begging God to allow me to fall asleep and never wake up. it would still be friday before anyone came to check where i was.

why on earth am i feeling such awful things? i think it might have something to do with the fact i feel so used by people. i'm the workhorse in the office. i'm every person's relationship advice columnist, even though i haven't had a *relationship* since 1998. don't expect me to help you out when everybody and their aunt knows that i kinda sorta like you.

plus i have a shitty job. i'm about 50k in debt. i think i've finally accomplished my goal of blowing off every person i had as a "Friend" in arkansas. so what's the point of living?

i remember when i was younger i used to write suicide letters. when everything was just really crappy and i hated everyone and nothing would go my way. i'd write it all out and explain this is why i'm dead. i'd name names of people that should feel bad about my death because they were reasons that i did whatever i did. i'd sign over my prized possessions (even though it's not legal and binding, surely someone would respect my wishes). i probably wouldn't name names now. that seems kind of mean. plus, i think those who should feel responsible will even if i say nothing.

i guess i am lonely. i know i'm fucking lonely. i'm just sick of it and it didn't really hurt until now. and now it hurts because i finally wised up and kicked one person out of my life. unfortunately, the person i thought i could use as a filler shits on me like everyone else.

why can't i be appreciated for my contributions? i like to consider myself intelligent. i'm pretty darn funny. i'm not a whore and i don't plan on making anyone support me for the rest of my life. what's the big deal?

as of right now, july 14, 2003, 2315, i honestly do think i am going to die alone. be alone. forever. because nothing ever works the way that i think it should. and who am i to try to control the universe?

things i need to figure out


what is wrong with me? besides the fact i'm fat (and first i typed fat instead of fact hah) i'm not a bad looking girl. i have beautiful straight white teeth. really pretty dual-tone eyes. pouty lips. cute enough to go without makeup most days.

so why do i give off this sisterly vibe? not like a nun, but like a biological sibling. i am fun to hang out with! but that doesn't mean i want to just hang out with everyone all the time. i like guys! i love guys actually. i just don't wear my passions on my sleeve anymore.

i want to be treated the way i treat others. which is sugary sweet and overloaded with kindness. if you've got a problem, who do you turn to? if some stupid girl has done you wrong, who's there to tell you she was a bitch? that's right. it's always me.

so what if the opposite happens? nothing changes! i have to look within myself, or within my best girl--space--friend for help. shouldn't you be doing the same for me as i do for you?

how do you know that i would be bad for you? i think the fact that i'm terrified of getting mixed into your messed up life is also playing a role. but i don't want to even think that i *like* you when i know there's like 4 other women jockeying for the same position. i'm not a competitor in that sense. sure i love competion. but i am never a match for a leggy brunette that wears a size 4.

i guess i just need to become more slutty.

people minus one


i'm not so bitterly angry at that person i went to the concert with anymore. i had a great time and laughed way too much and Dave Matthews was pretty awesome.

i spent a lot of time thinking at the show what it would have been like if i took another one of my friends. and honestly, i don't think it would have nearly been as much fun.

i'd say more but i'm sleepy. and i do have to work a few hours tomorrow. here's to new friends and forgetting about the old not-so friends.

<3

people


i am never, ever, ever, ever, ever buying 2 tickets for a concert again. it's not that i have an extra ticket this time, it's just that the person that's going is driving me f-ing insane and i'm not so sure i even want to sit with him.

UGH! i swear. i hate every person that lives in arkansas. there's no one that i like. i hate you all! i'm moving.