i'm not dead, like earlier posts may imply. it's just hard to maintain this, a xanga and my actual handwritten journal. someone gets left out, and unfortunately it's this.

i'm glad summer is over. i think it's the roughest part of the year for me every year.

i still have my good days and my really bad days, but i'm learning to manage them better with the help of anti-depressants and psychology.

i just felt like i should say something, so that the really sad post from June wasn't at the top of the list.

<33

i can't stop crying. it's like wake up. go to work. have a crappy day of work. come home. do some stuff. get in bed. cry cry cry. sleep. wake up at crazy hour from bad dream. cry. sleep. wake up and do it all over again. it sucks.

and this isn't totally related to jason. yeah, i'm a bit upset that he didn't have time to talk or whatever today. he got mad and i got mad and hung up.

i just have had the worst freaking week ever.

i was all excited because all signs pointed to me moving into the empty office at work. we have to hire a new AE and a new traffic person and we have zero empty cubicles, so logic would put me in the office. no. as of today, probably not going to happen. the person that works from fayetteville most of the time is probably going to move to little rock and that's going to be his office.

you know, my check still isn't right with the commissions, and i wasn't going to complain because i wanted that office and it was going to make up for the missing money. and now i've got neither!

we're adding another station, sooner rather than later. i'm going to be doing paid programming and there's going to be a ton of it. the difference is that they won't sell for as much as on my station b/c it's in a smaller market and it's a smaller affiliate. so, for about the same amount of money that i'm making with my station, i'll be tripling my workload. AND doing research.

seriously. how many hours are in a day again? and i only get paid for 40 a week. it sounds like i'm going to be working 60. i don't see how this is going to work.

i have so many freakin job duties, even i can't keep up with them. if it's not directly associated with an account executive, then it must be my job. i can't do this!

i filled out paperwork earlier for the therapist i'm going to see next week. it amazed me how many boxes i had to check for what was bothering me. anxiety? yep. feeling panicky? yep. gained weight? mmhm. memory lapses? oh goodness yes. i'm going to be in counseling for years at this rate.

i feel so helpless right now. like i'm being plowed down by everyone around me. i can't do enough and what i can do is always inadequate.

i'm not good enough. i'm not strong enough. i'm not fast enough. i'm not creative enough. i'm not pretty enough. i'm not fun enough. i can't win no matter how hard i try. i'm tired of trying. tired of crying. tired of hurting. i just want to sleep and wake up when it's 2045.

so is it really better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?

i guess without loving, you'd miss out on all those wonderful lessons that you learn from making mistakes. but are the lessons worth it sometimes?

it just seems like i keep learning the same lesson over and over. either i'm too stupid to realize what's going to happen before it happens, or my memory skills are really that awful. i'm leaning towards the bad memory thing actually...hehe

i know things are going to be different now. i just hope it's not too different. distance will be good though. at least i keep telling myself that. i have to figure out how to express myself verbally. i can't tell anyone how i feel - whether it be good or bad. i always am waiting for that "perfect time" which never comes. you can't tell someone that the reason you're running away is because you're in love with them, especially when you know that he doesn't feel the same way. so that's what i do, i say nothing and run as far away as i can.

i'm scared to death that jason's not going to be around for me anymore. he's always been there for like the past 6 months. and now i have to go on like he's not. this cold turkey thing would have been a lot easier if i managed to sneak out and somehow remained in hiding for a year or so. hehe. that's a joke. seriously. i'm in pain. i joke. kind of like chandler bing.

i wish that i didn't say anything, but deep down i know that if i kept to myself much longer, i was going to hurt even more people that mean the world to me. i can't keep isolating myself or sabotaging the great things i have going on. the last thing i want is to be alone, and subconsiously i'm shutting myself off from the outside world. i've got to get to a point where my actions and my thoughts are together because right now i'm going 100000 different directions.

look. i know i've been incredibly selfish lately. i know i've said a lot of things here and in other forums that were probably hurtful and out of line. i have excuses, but i'm sure you don't want to hear them. just know that i'm sorry. i love you all more than anything. i just have a lot going on in my mind and it's built up to a point where i can't take it anymore and i've been lashing out. maybe it's some sort of crazy woman's cry for help. i dunno.

so thank you and i'm sorry. take whichever one applies to you at this exact moment. you may want the other one later. ;)

<3

if you could rewind your life and start again, at which point would you start over?

today, i'd probably only go back a year. ok, so i read what i wrote on this day last year, and now i'm sort of rethinking. haha. but really, a year ago today would be fine. it seems like i knew the whole mike thing was about to end. i was all about some eating healthy and working out everyday. proud of my new ipod and the new coldplay cd (that i never listen to anymore). i even gave myself a shout for being at the -54 pounds mark and said i could lose the last 30 by christmas. my, how things have not worked out that way.

i'm still at a net loss of poundage at least. it's just -30 now. i hate myself for gaining those 25 pounds back. i think i'm rebelling against myself though. i am around carrie and jarrett who are both insane health freaks. and when they speak sometimes, it just sounds so superficial and vain. worrying about skin and how certain foods turn straight into fat or whatever. i don't want to be like that. i don't want my world revolving around how i have to order the wheat tortilla because it packs more fiber than the herb tortilla that automatically comes with my turkey wrap. i don't want to debate whether coke zero is better than diet coke, even though neither has any nutritional value. i worked my ass off and lost all that weight and for what? i still felt like a huge blob and mike didn't want me any more than the first day we met. i think that's why when we split, i felt like this pressure was lifted and i didn't have to live by someone else's rules anymore. so i ate what i wanted and stopped working out and for a while, i think i was happy. now the pressure is back. people are "worried" about me because i basically don't care anymore. i don't want to look sloppy, but i don't want to be sacrificing the small perks in my day just to look the way everyone else says i should look. i try to get up early and work out. i try to eat better. it's just not working for me.

a year ago i was still in my old apartment. this is so awful, but i miss that place more than anything sometimes. i had the best patio that i could sit out on and read my magazine and not bother anyone. i always had a great parking spot in the shade. i didn't have to share anything. it was just nice - doing what i want when i wanted and without worrying about disturbing others. i spend so much time trying to make sure i'm not bothering my roommate that i think i end up bothering myself to no end.

a year ago, i was still working at night. i didn't enjoy that so much, but i think no matter what, i would have ended up where i am today. the whole job thing can stay the same. i was interviewing for a job in atlanta this time last year. wouldn't that have been wild if i moved there?

i probably would have made better decisions with my relationships. mike was out. potato...i dunno. i think i would have kept him for the night like i did. no harm there really. i definitely wouldn't have messed around with phillip the first time or any time thereafter. and with that being said, i probably would have been nicer to jason sooner, but less likely to hang out with him.

i wouldn't have moved with carrie. we were good friends before she moved to NC, but not like we hung out all the time or anything. we were once a week phone buddies while she was gone and then whamo, she's here everyday now. i think that's eroding our friendship, and i hate that. the longer i live with her though, the more i realize how we have absolutely nothing in common. i spent time with her and jarrett tonight and i felt left out. i'm not all about celebrity gossip and healthy eating and going to the club. i'm about hanging out and watching the game or maybe a good movie (but not freaking talking through the entire thing about how vince vaughn looks so fat). it's just not good for me and i don't know what the right plan is to abandon the situation, so i tough it out. wow...it hurts to say that, but it feels so right too. i don't want to upset anyone, so i put it all on me and just survive.

i don't like how i've become dependent on jason now for support. it's like if anything goes wrong, or if anything is bothering me, i pour it all out on him and hope that he can somehow mop it up. i know he can't fix anything, that's all up to me. he helps. i can't explain how or why or any of that. i just know that i can sleep better when we've talked because i let some of the steam out. so i guess in some backwards way, i'm saying thank you.

i'm done for now.

things i hate about me...

how i can never say exactly how i feel. how i have the ability to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. how sometimes i'm too sensitive, and when someone asks what's wrong, i say nothing. this empty feeling i have right this moment. just when i'm happy and accepting of my body, none of my clothes fit. the negative voices always screaming at me from the inside. how i don't have the answers to "what's wrong? why are you like that? where do you want to be in 5 years?" i always fall in love with the wrong person. my lack of girlie-ness. how i feel like i need to shave my legs again like a day and a half later. i'm so awkward on dates. i have no concept of when to make a move. that sick feeling i get in the pit of my stomach when a date is going in a good direction. how i see the end of a relationship before the relationship begins. the sadness i feel when he leaves. i tune out when certain people talk. i daydream instead of listen. my inability to retain information. how i've changed from extroverted and obnoxious to introverted and passive. i can't walk in heels - i don't even like how my feet feel in flats. food is one of the few things that make me incredibly happy. i like when other people make decisions for me. i'm too accomodating. i miss out on things i really love because whoever i'm with isn't interested. i'm never going to be good enough for myself. my hair cannot handle arkansas humidity. i can't dance (but who can, really?). i can't talk to anyone about this. not because i think they don't care, but because i can't verbalize how miserable i am sometimes. i'm tired of the advice on how i could make everything all better if i would just eliminate people or things from my life. those people and things are what make me, me. i would be a black hole without them, sucking in all around me and discarding nothing. how i get annoyed with my roommate for nothing other than the fact that we spend too much time together sometimes. i want so badly to be in love and have that love returned.

who can fix this other than me? i just feel defeated. alone. empty. tired of giving and giving and giving when no one gives back.

I've been talking to my aunts and uncles, mom and dad again.
I've been finding out that I have what this world calls friends.
I've tried to push them all away,
They push me back and wanna stay
And that's one good thing I have.

I'm gonna feel a peace in me,
I'm gonna feel at home.
I'm gonna make this cloud above me disappear, be gone.
I wanna feel a punch inside, my heart beat on the floor.
I don't wanna hurt no more.

blue october - it's just me